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Steamedpuddle30
Bio-filters
November 19, 2012 at 8:25 AM
One thing I LOVE about This group is the different perspectives and tools you gain from reading posts and having an open mind.

Last week there was a post,sadly I don't think the poster listened even after 200+ replies but I think something good comes from everything(hopefully) and in this I came to realize how much we use our bio filters.

I feel bad I use them quite often. I don't say it outloud but I know I do. The difference I hope is I don't it outloud. I really hope to get it under control to where I don't get upset everytime I see my skids get something I feel is "undeserving". Ill let dad parent his while I do what's right for my dds. Ill work on my bio filter also.

Does it get better as you work on it? I'm only 5 years in,so I think I am getting better sometimes then bam! It (biofilter)turns on. Lol.

Is it always a bad thing? Or more like as long as you know it's there,that's good enough?

Replies

  • GlockMom
    November 19, 2012 at 8:54 PM
    My bio filter is working perfectly right now. DD and DS is working on my last little nerve. Loud, hyper little shits!

    If I were a mama coyote I would have eaten them tonight already.


    Quoting SammyJK:

    I agree! Glad we dont eat our young lol



    Quoting whatIknownow:

    The biofilter is the reason our species hasn't died out. It is the reason we tolerate our kids and forgive them time and time again.

    the biofilter is a good thing. It is the result of unconditional love.


  • luckystars2012
    November 19, 2012 at 9:57 PM

    Maybe its just me, but I can honestly say Ive never had a feeling like my SS got something he didnt deserve, ot that I needed to buy something for one kid because the other got something, or whatever.  My Bio filter is firmly in place, however I truly dont favor one kid over the other.  

    I get what youre saying though as Ive seen it in some of my friends that are SMs.  Im having an issue with a friend of mine right now over it, as she has allowed her "filter" to become a clogged and dirty mess as of late....she went from being a disengaged SM to being a pretty hateful one.  And while I agree that her SKs are horrible little children (they are the only kids I have ever banned from my home, EVER.  They have major issues including instances of sexual agression towards other kids) it is truly their BPs fault because they havent handled the kids properly.  Its a sad sitch all around.

     

  • jlg12678
    November 19, 2012 at 10:06 PM
    Same here.

    Dad is responsible for his spawn as I am for mine. It makes things much easier.

    And yes, I used the word spawn. :)


    Quoting annabl1970:

    I spend MY money on DD. DH gives her only occasional gifts. Same with SD. I buy her stuff sometimes, but would never help out with CS or pay for extras. That why we don't have any arguments over the spending on our kids.

    It's the best way to do it IMO








    Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

    One thing I LOVE about This group is the different perspectives and tools you gain from reading posts and having an open mind.





    Last week there was a post,sadly I don't think the poster listened even after 200+ replies but I think something good comes from everything(hopefully) and in this I came to realize how much we use our bio filters.





    I feel bad I use them quite often. I don't say it outloud but I know I do. The difference I hope is I don't it outloud. I really hope to get it under control to where I don't get upset everytime I see my skids get something I feel is "undeserving". Ill let dad parent his while I do what's right for my dds. Ill work on my bio filter also.





    Does it get better as you work on it? I'm only 5 years in,so I think I am getting better sometimes then bam! It (biofilter)turns on. Lol.





    Is it always a bad thing? Or more like as long as you know it's there,that's good enough?


  • ManicAttack
    November 20, 2012 at 5:14 AM

    My SM always called us "our spawn" haha.  I always thought it was funny.

    Quoting jlg12678:

    Same here.

    Dad is responsible for his spawn as I am for mine. It makes things much easier.

    And yes, I used the word spawn. :)


    Quoting annabl1970:

    I spend MY money on DD. DH gives her only occasional gifts. Same with SD. I buy her stuff sometimes, but would never help out with CS or pay for extras. That why we don't have any arguments over the spending on our kids.

    It's the best way to do it IMO








    Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

    One thing I LOVE about This group is the different perspectives and tools you gain from reading posts and having an open mind.





    Last week there was a post,sadly I don't think the poster listened even after 200+ replies but I think something good comes from everything(hopefully) and in this I came to realize how much we use our bio filters.





    I feel bad I use them quite often. I don't say it outloud but I know I do. The difference I hope is I don't it outloud. I really hope to get it under control to where I don't get upset everytime I see my skids get something I feel is "undeserving". Ill let dad parent his while I do what's right for my dds. Ill work on my bio filter also.





    Does it get better as you work on it? I'm only 5 years in,so I think I am getting better sometimes then bam! It (biofilter)turns on. Lol.





    Is it always a bad thing? Or more like as long as you know it's there,that's good enough?



  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 6:42 AM
    Exactly. I guess recognizing it is a good step. I can't wait until I can get it under control more though.

    I know Christmas is coming up and I hate the way I feel sometimes. But it has more to do with the way I was raised. (we really don't base Xmas on gifts as much as we do traditions) I hope I keep my mouth closed. Lol.


    Quoting SammyJK:

    I have recignized that i do have a biofilter. I dont voice it when i notice but its there. My kids are annoying, dont get me wrong, but its usually far less annoying coming from my kids than from say my sks or bil's kids. It sucks, but its there. Im just glad i realized it and dont just go around thinking my kids are superior to others! Lol
  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 6:44 AM
    It's 3 am and I'm glad I am not mad at my newborn! Lol. She's as cute as a button but sheesh! It's all about her! Lol. Gotta love them bio filters.

    Quoting SammyJK:

    I agree! Glad we dont eat our young lol



    Quoting whatIknownow:

    The biofilter is the reason our species hasn't died out. It is the reason we tolerate our kids and forgive them time and time again.

    the biofilter is a good thing. It is the result of unconditional love.

  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 6:48 AM
    I just hope soon to be step moms or Stepmoms see that this exists so to be better prepared for this life. I know CM taught me what I was feeling when I'd see let's say SS leave his shoes out or do something really bratty.or Dh let them get away with something.



    I had to step back and think would I be this upset if it was my kid? SOME things would be the same reaction if done by my dds and some were because of these bio filters.



    I'm just glad I know it's there. I hope Stepmoms learn to use this early on!
  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 6:52 AM
    That's very true,while its great to know "I don't allow my kids to get away with that" I have caught my Dh PLENTY of times do this also.



    Sometimes I explain it to him and sometimes I let him figure it out on his own. I hate it sometimes or it's tough but I have to hope he will get "it".



    My dd threw a tantrum. While yss13 does these often,and gets away with them for his age,my ydd9 did it and it was an automatic "go to your room". I agreed w the punishment and I wanted SO bad to tell my Dh "look,yss does this all the time",I didn't. It was tough not to.


    Quoting sassy711:

    The bio-filter is one of many tools we as SM's can use when dealing with our situations.  Another is recognizing what is typical behavior for a certain age, and what is typical behavior for COD.  I try to use all of those tools when dealing with my kids and the skids. 



    I think one of the problems SM's have is that the bio-filter is a 2 way street.  If SM's need to understand that, then so do our DH's.  I don't think it's a case of my kids "never" do that, instead I think it's a case of "I don't allow my kids to get away with that".  This has been an ongoing issue for me and DH.  He will excuse and justify his kids behaviors, but when mine do the same exact thing, he blows it out of proportion.  I have to explain to him over and over the concept of bio-filter, but he just doesn't get it.  Or maybe he does and just doesn't want to deal with it. 

  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 6:59 AM
    Me too. Well mine is with the newborn and I expect everyone to chip in more. Not anything big but it'd be nice not to have to tell my OSS to turn off his light and do what needs to be done. Or hey! Start walking to school instead of me getting newborn baby out for a one mile walk to school! Lol. I wanna shake him (oss)sometimes. Lol.

    That is hard to differentiate when it's ok to be snippy and not. :) I try to use my grouchiness when it's pms time or when I'm sick. Lol.


    Quoting angelmommy2806:

    I'm pretty sure I do this too. Ds is only 2 and the skids are all older so it's a little different. Although there's days where Ds is home all day and by the time the skids get home I'm on my last nerve and everything is annoying. This week Ds is cutting his molars so he's been extra cranky so when one of my SS's start whining about their chores I get snippy.
  • Steamedpuddle30
    November 20, 2012 at 7:06 AM
    I felt very bad for this co worker last year. She was dating a separated guy who had twins 2 year old ,and 2 other kids. She's 23 and NO kids. Wife had been married for more then 8 years and was a sahm and didn't think they were going to divorce. Wife thought it was just a "separation".

    Anyhow here comes miss little young gf and is acting like she's BM. Like she knows better. Even spanked the girls once!

    BM went bat shit crazy and tried to fight her. She's come to work saying "BM was crazy,didnt take care if her kids well and ect". I knew it was so wrong. And BM was acting normal for a still married wife who's husband was letting a gf be around the kids!

    Anyhow now co worker has her own child and sees the "light". I see how sucky it was for her NOT to have these bio filters installed. I felt bad for BM.


    Quoting annabl1970:

    It actually helps me a lot. I always put myself in DH shoes, and I know if I didn't like the " feeling":), probably he doesn't either. Too bad not everybody can do it. I have coworker who constantly complains about her Ex and his wife, who treats ( in her opinion) her kids diffrent than theirs. But based on the stories she said, I can accused her of the same behavior towards her SKs

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