I am so glad this is a place to vent. Sometimes i feel as if I have no one to turn to. I don't know anyone in a situation like mine and DH and myself seem to keep it between us. I know of no one else to turn to and honestly, so happy I found ladies online that can possibly either give advice or at the very least understand.
Here is the issue...
Since the beginning, BM has just been plain nasty. Not only to myself or DH...I suppose that is to be expected. She got kicked out of DH house because of her filth and cheating. Ok whatever, that's on her but I wasn't around then. At that time, I actually defended her to him. She was young and had a 1YO and maybe she just wasn't ready. Throughout the years, she has started fights over the phone, kept SS without any visitation or knowledge of his whereabouts for 6 weeks, brought SS over FILTHY and infected with scabies, and when he was 2, his front 4 teeth had rotted out and had to be pulled because she REFUSED to brush his teeth and put him to bed every night with a bottle in his mouth.
Now the last year she has met a new BF and she started to straighten up a bit. She still causes arguments and we are trying to deal with it but SS4 is at least clean. SS4 is not peeing in the bed at night (he has been potty trained for over a year now) and this morning he peed on the floor. I thought that because BM is pregnant, he was doing the whole reverting thing because of the upcoming baby. I tried to talk to him and tell him that everyone loves him as the big brother. I wanted him to feel a bit extra special instead of punishing him. He told us this morning that he doesn't do it a BM's house because he sleeps in the bed with BM...and BF. Now we have dismissed the sexual aggression this year as him being a boy. But he tells us that he takes showers with BF and now they all sleep together AND she is pregnant?
Am I totally overreacting with being completely discusted and concerned with SS4 well- being? Is this a completely normal sitch? Do all 4 year olds masterbate and try to grab at breasts? Would you let a BF shower nude with your son? Is imitating sex normal for a 4 year old?
I have an almost 4 year old. He doesn't imitate sex. He has however become overly interested in his private parts. We just told him it was not OK to have his hands down the pants and touching it all the time. He was good with that explanation. I think he just became aware of it. Dh tends to handle that part because he is a man and it worked better coming from daddy. Your Dh needs to bring the concerns to bm.
by sassy711November 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM
Some of this may be typical "boy" behavior, but some of it doesn't sound appropriate. SS at this age shouldn't be sleeping in a bed with his mom and her BF all the time. If it's once and a while that's different, but if it's "his" bed too then DH really needs to talk to BMN about this. If SS doesn't have his own bed at BM's, maybe he can sleep on the couch? DH should try to approach this issue with BM in a non-confrontational manner (hopefully it will diminish her defensiveness), something like "hey, SS says he sleeps with you and BF all the time and I figure that might happen if he's had a nightmare or something, but you know how a 4 yr old is, something happens once and they think it's all the time". This way BMisn't being accused (in her mind), and DH is letting her know that he's just checking WITH her about something SS is saying. Good luck.
Obviously bm doesn't realize what is appropriate and what isn't. Dh needs to sit down and have a serious conversation with her about ss behavior.
the first time he "humped" me (God please pardon the expression...I really have no other way to describe it !) he brought it up to her and she laughed.
by Mommyof5247November 18, 2012 at 1:29 PM
I would be concerned & talk to BM about the behaviors & sleeping arrangements. Some of it is normal curiousity & exploration. Giving the child a shower or bath is very different from showering WITH a boyfriend of BM is not acceptable in my opinion.
My SS5 & DS17 never exhibited the behaviors that you mentioned. That doesn't mean some of your SS's behaviors aren't normal, just that mine didn't exhibit them so obviously. And at almost 4, I would think that your SS would already have or be understanding his boundaries & the boundaries of others.
www.mnadopt/factsheets/recognizing healthy & unhealthy sexual development in children.pdf
by Charli627November 18, 2012 at 5:04 PMMy son and ss's never acted like that. And yeah what bm and bf are doing is inappropriate.
by gma12.1November 18, 2012 at 5:43 PM
You can ask him questions after he does something or says something that way he won't feel like he is tattling on his Mom. Try couching your questions in statements and he may correct you giving you more information. It is hard right now to know if this is something to be concerned about going on over at BM's. It also could be innocent & he is just mimicking some really overt physical affection that the 2 adults show in public. As far as playing/masterbating my 2 grandsons went thru that phase and it lasted from the age of 2 to 5 because my SS & DIL thought that it was funny, until the boys began doing it in church, & talking about playing with their "junk" and trying to show it to ppl a couple of times to strangers. That is when they no longer thought it was funny and began to work at making them stop.
Dh is going to call tomorrow ..when we dropped as off tonight at the store she was shopping at...Dh was already mad and didn't want a scene with me there ...which I'm thankful for...as inappropriate as it is we don't think there is any molestation going on...I'm glad dh was thinking about my feelings and ss feelings and not wanting a scene
He's in pre k ..did your ss act out there? That would be a good question to ask them...usually he acts out and is in fights...the teacher calls me or my dh because they can't stand bm ..funny how I'm always apologizing for her..
Is he in school yet? What got my bm to realize things ss was doing was inappropriate was when teacher called her out.
We tried talking to her prior but she laughed it off