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lilmomma_02
SS Jealousy???
October 9, 2012 at 3:44 PM

Background-  My husband and I have been married almost 2 months but together for 3 1/2 years.  I have two bio sons, 7 and 5. My SS is almost 8 and is an only child. His BM has full custody and we get visitation every other weekend and the Monday after a weekend we don't have him.  Although, BM is flexible and allows us to pretty much get him when we ask. 

Up until about 3 weeks ago things were going well.  The kids and I moved in after the wedding.  My 2 boys have always shared a room and continue to do so. When my SS visits he also stays in the same room.  Up until several months ago my husband allowed his son to sleep with him until I finally got it through to him that he is old enough that he needs to sleep in his own bed when I'm there. (SS sleeps in his own room at his BMs)  As I said everything was fine.  All of a sudden a couple weeks ago he decided he didn't want to come home for his visit.  (Side note: After marriage, husband decided that he was going to make a tree house for his son to be put up at his BMs)  Husband was putting up said tree house at BMs and planned on bringing SS home.  BM came out and informed him that SS didn't want to hurt his feelings but didn't want to come home with him bc my kids keep him up at night.  This is as far from the truth as possible since my kids go to bed at 7:30 or 8 and SS doesn't have a bed time!  We had come to the conclusion it is because he isn't getting his way and wants to sleep with his father.  Anyway, he didn't come home.  The following Monday I went to pick him up from daycare for his visit with us.  When I got there he told me he didn't want to go and he just wanted to stay with his mom. So I called everyone and dropped him off with BM.  In the mean time, I had asked him if he would come stay with us the next night since his dad missed him and told him that he would get to decide what was for dinner.  He agreed.  When I picked him up the next day he had the worst attitude towards me all the way home.  As soon as we got home, he decided he wanted to his Nana's.  (She lives next door to us)  He ended up staying the night at her house bc he told his dad he just didn't want to sleep with my boys. 

This is causing major problems between my husband and I.  I understand that this is an adjustment period and will take some time for him to get used to having us around all the time.  However, I don't think that it is ok for BF to let him have his way and stay at Nana's EVERY time he comes to visit.  My husband told me he would do anything he needed to in order to see his son.  I can appreciate that but I don't think that this is right.  I don't know what to do.  BF is allowing SS to run the way things are done.  SS is complaining about everything and getting his way.  I suggested we set up a room specifically for SS and put all his toys in there (he is complaining about my kids playing with his things), but we both know that SS won't stay in the room even if we did.  I don't know how to fix things and I don't want this to cause more problems in my marriage. 

ADVICE PLEASE!!!!

Replies

  • newstepmom61811
    October 9, 2012 at 3:55 PM

    You are right, a pattern is quickly being set up that SS can dictate to the adults. As for you, right now you will only be seen as evil in the eyes of the SS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, and not because you are doing anything wrong, it is just because things have changed and he doesn't like it right now. Only DH can fix this and it is his responsibility. He needs to, for a while take over dealing with SS, spend time with him, make him take his visits. During those visits he needs to spend special time with SS. SS feels displaced by you and your boys. He sees his dad spending more time now with boys that aren't his biologically. DH will have to make an effort here but that does NOT include cosleeping at that age...you do need to be a wife and husband in the bedroom and have space of your own. You are right that SS needs space and things of his own to feel he has a place in your home, and he needs time with dad...and your boys need time with mom...

  • Refurbished
    October 9, 2012 at 4:04 PM

    He's probably feeling pushed aside by you and your boys.  It's not your fault, and I'm sure you aren't trying to make him feel that way.  But up until now, he got dad to himself and now he has to share dad with the three of you. He probably should have had him out of his bed before you moved in, because this way sort of makes you his replacement.  Maybe try having one day during his visit is a day for just him and his dad to do something fun, maybe take him fishing by himself, and then the rest of the time is family time with the 5 of you? 

  • lilmomma_02
    October 9, 2012 at 4:05 PM


    Quoting newstepmom61811:

    You are right, a pattern is quickly being set up that SS can dictate to the adults. As for you, right now you will only be seen as evil in the eyes of the SS NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, and not because you are doing anything wrong, it is just because things have changed and he doesn't like it right now. Only DH can fix this and it is his responsibility. He needs to, for a while take over dealing with SS, spend time with him, make him take his visits. During those visits he needs to spend special time with SS. SS feels displaced by you and your boys. He sees his dad spending more time now with boys that aren't his biologically. DH will have to make an effort here but that does NOT include cosleeping at that age...you do need to be a wife and husband in the bedroom and have space of your own. You are right that SS needs space and things of his own to feel he has a place in your home, and he needs time with dad...and your boys need time with mom...

    Thank you.  All of this I understand, but what is my place?  Is there anything I should do or not do? 

  • faerie75
    October 9, 2012 at 4:09 PM

     idk, my SO doesnt let his kids run things and they are happy at our house for the most part. they even get along w my kids most of the time. once in awhile they have a disagreement.

    in my world, kids shouldnt be allowed to run things.

  • macbudsmom
    October 9, 2012 at 4:11 PM
    This is an adjustment/transition time. And of course SS is jealous. He doesnt get to live with his daddy, but 2 other little boys do. That has got to be hard.

    Guessing he also feels he lost his bedroom as I am guessing your kids moved into his room. Do they respect his bed, dresser, and toys when he isnt there? He needs to have his own designated space in his father's home.
  • Tigress22304
    October 9, 2012 at 4:38 PM

    It'll pass. SD11 was like this when DD8 and I moved in. DD8 lives with us full time-but because of the limited space-sd11 and dd had to share a bedroom. THey each had their own bed/bed set (that I paid for) dresser/hope chest etc.

    Within the first 2-3 months sd11 tried to sleep (naked in just panties) in our bed-literally between DH and I/refused to sleep in her bed because my DD "kept her up late" when my dd was asleep by 9pm and sd didn't go to bed before midnight-and at one point she even tried moving her stuff upstairs into the attic taking over the kids playroom!

    DH sat her down and had a talk. She got over it.

    Perhaps DH needs to spend more 1 on 1 time with his son and reassure him of a few things...that may help. But I do agree with the fact he needs his own space.

  • lilmomma_02
    October 9, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    I'm all for him having his own space.  The problem is that it wouldn't make a difference.  The room my boys are in now was "technically" his but he NEVER used it.  I have their toys seperate.  His stuff is respected in all ways.  Even the BF has said no to the idea of making him his own space.  When we try and talk to him about his concerns and address them SS changes his concerns.  Basically, if he knows he can't get away with one reason he shots for another..

  • macbudsmom
    October 9, 2012 at 4:56 PM
    I dont mean he needs his own room just his own space in the shared room. He needs to know in a tangible way that he hasn't lost the space in his Dad's heart/life.
  • kellynh
    by kellynh
    October 9, 2012 at 5:10 PM
    This is a hard one. I would say that even though he never used that room, it was still HIS room. Now he feels pushed aside. Your bios not only took his room, but get to spend all that time with his Dad.

    Ultimately, it's up to Dad to lay down the law. Can a compromise work in the meantime? What about a sleeping bag and tent in the livingroom for now. That way he has his own space and that space isn't your bed. Perhaps he can find the fun in seeing Dad again.

    As for you... Listen... You will have to let this one go. Make a suggestion and let him decide. I think the fact that your two have bedtimes and ss doesn't is going to build tension in your home. Your parenting styles don't mesh. Let him feel free to parent his son the way he feels he needs to and eventually he may see that limits are good for kids. Not just your kids... But all kids. It's something he has to see for himself. You have to not let how he parents get to you. Good Luck.
  • USBrit
    by USBrit
    October 9, 2012 at 7:05 PM

    I say don't do/say anything. Let Dad, BM and Nana handle it. He is stinging from the fact that when he is at Dad's now there are other people and not just him and Dad. I would say, eventually, he will come around and realize he is missing out. Let it go SM...you will find peace that way. Just do your own thing with your boys.

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