Stepmom Central

lovemyfriend
BM's House
October 8, 2012 at 10:15 PM

OK.  So I have a question.  Say that your sd (age 6 at the time) asks for pictures of her&her family here (which includes me, sm)  for her to keep in her room at her moms house.  If she herself was given about 40 pictures to choose from, and chose one of her and her dad, one of dad and sm (me), one of all of us, and one of just her dad, would it be reasonable to say that she wants those pictures there, they should stay there?  Or does BM have the right to throw them away?  (not give them back, but get rid of them).  

 

I'd just like some perspective and opinions.  Thanks! :) 

Replies

  • faerie75
    October 9, 2012 at 12:14 PM

     she should be able to keep them.

    SS9 has a pix of him and BM in his room at our house and thats fine. he wants it there.

  • TigaHotty85
    October 9, 2012 at 12:28 PM

    I had something happen just like that. After me and my DH got married we had some pictures of our wedding with him and I. Along with some christmas pictures of Me dh and SD in them. A couple years ago SD was wanting to look at picture albums so we said ok and went through a "Well this is... where/when" ect for example. SD wanted to take a couple of the pictures home to her BM's house so she'd have pictures of her DAD and of me her STEP MOM. When she took them home BM called right away after finding them in her bag and started Bitching Out DH for even sending them saying it was wrong of him to allow the pictures in her home. We knew BM would be upset at the photo's of our marriage and of christmas time with "US" as a family. But SD wanted to take them home so much so she would have reminders of us so she could "SEE" us when she was with her BM. Lets say it did not go over very well and BM in turn threw them out instead of sending them back with SD on drop off. I do not think it was right for her to throw away our property, but nothing could be done about it. Right or not it happened and BM could do it because it was her house.

    Sorry if its not something you wanted to hear. But in my experiance just as yours it happens. Kids should have pictures of other parents or other family members if they want them. But its all up to BM on if they stay because if she's spiteful she will not care that the child would be very upset and sad and not being able to keep them because the BM is to worried about hurting DH/SM by throwing them away to care how it hurts the child. Best thing you could do is let the child have the pictures in their room at your home.

  • maria1613
    October 9, 2012 at 12:33 PM
    I think it would be a little unreasonable for the BM to throw thee pictures out instead of give them back but its up to her. We told SD that she can have whatever pics of her mom in her room if she'd like, hell she can have life sized pics of her mom and her fiance in her room if she'd like but that's it, only in her room, because it is the place where her dad and I have set up our life together and we both agree that its disrespectful to each other to have pics of exs up in the house
  • momof2cuteboys
    October 9, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    I think some people have a weird thing when it comes to pictures.  And it is mostly women. LOL  I've seen everything on these boards from BM not wanting pics for the other house to SM's not wanting pics from the other house ... to SM's not wanting pics of just the kids with their bio parents to be ever taken.   

    Sounds like there is some hurt there or something more going on.  Was it the right reaction?  No.  Do we always react the way we would like to? No not all the time especially when emotionally charged.  I think there are a lot of factors to be considered. 

    The take away is talk to BM prior to what she is comfortable with in her home.  If it is just pics of Dad so be it.  If it is nothing so be it..  Just don't put SD in this position again.  If SD asks why tell her the  truth... you don't know.

  • SuzyQ127
    October 9, 2012 at 1:20 PM
    I put up a picture of my SD's and their mom in their room this summer. I also put up a pic of SD and her mom and stepdad and grandparents on moms side. they are their family. It doesnt bother me. just becaue their mother is an idiot and doesnt have time for them doesnt mean they love her any less. and I'm ok with that!!!!
  • rwblake2011
    October 9, 2012 at 1:25 PM
    I asked sd's bm for printed pics to hang in sd's room, as we are the custodial home. Im still waiting for them to be provided, may just print myself for SD's sake. If dd brought home pics of her dad & sm i wouldnt care at all. Guess im one of those accept it, not like we can change it.

    Can a bm throw them out yes. Should she if it was the childs choice absolutely NOT.
  • kgsharber
    October 9, 2012 at 3:29 PM

     They are in her house, she can toss them. I think it is crossing a line expecting her to put up pictures of her ex-husband & his new wife in her home. I don't know why you would set a kid up for failure like that. WHy not ask the bm first, so the kid doesn't have to deal with that on thier own?

  • USBrit
    by USBrit
    October 9, 2012 at 5:50 PM

    Yes, his Mom was not "ever" thinking of her child...(your DH) only of her own selfish needs to control. :(

    Quoting MommySabs:

    What was painful was that he was severely PAS-Ed by his mother. He didn't speak to his father until he was in his mid twenties bc his mother wouldn't allow any contact from the time he was 6 months old. He never met his father before he died two years ago had only spOken to him on the phone. It is painful that his mother put her own selfish feelings above the well being of her son. And he has payed the price for her choices and behavior.


    Quoting USBrit:

    This is wonderful that you saw this for what it was, BUT what if this OP BM acts just like your DH mother did. How hurtful for a little child to deal with. Just really a tough thing to know what will happen if you even suspect that a BM will have a meltdown about it, to me it is just better to avoid the pain that the child may endure, as your husband did and still to this day remembers as very painful. :(

    Quoting MommySabs:

    Personally related anecdote- when dh and I bought our home together he encouraged dss and my boys to hang a photo of the ops in their rooms. I was shocked and against it at first. He explained he was never allowed to have a picture of his father in his room growing up. He tried a couple of times and his mother not only took them down but torn them up and forbid him from having any phonics of his dad. Until his father sent him some a few ears ago he didn't have any.




  • USBrit
    by USBrit
    October 9, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    Heck, I had to put up with a picture of BM in a bikini in teenage stepdaughters bedroom pinned to her bulletin board for all to see. However, it was her room and her private stuff. Needless to say, I didn't go in there much. Thankfully that was a long time ago and they are all grown, gone and have families of their own.

    Quoting MrsMama030912:

    That is sick! That is also petty ,immature and very very selfish. Even at our worst times I wouldn't have minded if sd had pictures of her mom.


    Quoting whatIknownow:

    In another group I'm in, there was a post recently about a stepchild wanting to keep a picture of his mother (or maybe a pic with BM in it) in his room, in his drawer, out of sight, and the poster (SM) said no way, she would not allow any pics of BM in her house at all. Not even in a drawer in the child's room.

    I personally think that's just plain sick. But a lot of other SMs agreed with her.


    Quoting MrsMama030912:

    Whether or not its reasonable is purely a matter of opinion. You think not, while obviously bm thinks so. I'm guessing. And it also depends on your sitch with the bm. But in all seriousness I would hope a bm would allow their children to have a picture of their dad with their family in their room. 


  • lovemyfriend
    October 9, 2012 at 7:12 PM

    That is really too bad.  I have gently told my step daughter that she is free to bring a picture of her mom, her and her mom, her brother...anything from her family with her mom, to our house and we can frame it/album it/etc.  She hasn't yet, but I would never tell her she couldn't.  I would be so pissed if my SM did that to me...and also...I think DH would kill me for hurting his little girls feelings so unneccesarily.  Its her room! 

    Quoting whatIknownow:

    In another group I'm in, there was a post recently about a stepchild wanting to keep a picture of his mother (or maybe a pic with BM in it) in his room, in his drawer, out of sight, and the poster (SM) said no way, she would not allow any pics of BM in her house at all. Not even in a drawer in the child's room.

    I personally think that's just plain sick. But a lot of other SMs agreed with her.

    Quoting MrsMama030912:

    Whether or not its reasonable is purely a matter of opinion. You think not, while obviously bm thinks so. I'm guessing. And it also depends on your sitch with the bm. But in all seriousness I would hope a bm would allow their children to have a picture of their dad with their family in their room. 


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