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Luvmykids1234
What is wrong with me?
August 24, 2012 at 12:02 AM
I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.

I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.

I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...

I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!

Replies

  • dragonfly06
    August 24, 2012 at 12:10 AM

     Nothing is wrong with you! You are acknowledging your feelings and trying to sort them out!!!

  • ManicAttack
    August 24, 2012 at 6:08 AM

    I have the same problems with SS8.  I don't know if it is the age or what...but some days, I can't stand to be around him.  :(  I do not have my own children but I feel like I'm becoming the Wicked Witch of the West sometimes, because my patiences wears thin.  It doesn't help he does everything your SS does ON PURPOSE because he KNOWS it gets under SO's AND my skin.  He is very clingy to SO if SO is paying attention to me in any way. Otherwise, he isn't to be seen.  He could be playing in his room while we're in the living room, and we'll be doing our own thing.  If SO starts talking to me, SS comes out and interrupts in SOME WAY.  I feel the same thing- I want to say "shut the hell up and don't interrupt us!"  

    I don't know if it's because we're a couple of those women that do not bond well with OTHER people's children (I love my niece and nephew like my own, but any other kid gets under my nerves....), or if it's because we're (well, in my case, anyway) not allowed to parent them.  I'm not allowed to "parent" SS because my ideas vary greatly from SO's.  It's frustrating......

    I know what you are going through......I feel bad most of the time.  The other part, not so much because my mom had SKs she couldn't stand (and they were semi-normal lol) but she stuck it out and is still with my SF.  Has been for 22 years!  Gives me some hope lol.  

    You need to stop taking on the full-time responsibility of your SKs...is there anyway you can get a break from them on your own?  When SO is home with SS, I go in my bedroom, by myself, and tell them to leave me alone while I watch TV or knit or whatever.  Just so I'm away from them lol.  

  • BeverlySimmons
    August 24, 2012 at 6:10 AM
    bump
  • sassy711
    August 24, 2012 at 6:58 AM

    You have too much responsibilty on you right now.  Your SO needs to give you a break.  Tell him you're just exhausted from dealing with your kid and his kids and that now you need him to step up to the plate and handle more with his kids.  Gradually disengage.  This will allow you to get some objectivity back.  The skids are likely annoying you because they are clinging to you out of fear/concern that you too will abandon them.  Find your "sweet spot", the area where you feel you are the most effective with them, but the least overwhelmed.  I know that so many others tell us to use the "bio-filter" but that just doesn't work.   Get away (emotionally) for just a bit and see if that helps your outlook.  Do not feel guilty about not bonding with kids that aren't yours.  It's hard to do especially if the kids are annoying, intrusive and cloying.  Let's be honest not all kids have a great personality...but on the flip side those kids are trying to adjust to a bunch of stuff.  Get SO to step up and that may help you and give his kids the attention/security they're needing now.   Good luck

     

  • Ms.Gwen
    by Ms.Gwen
    August 24, 2012 at 8:47 AM
    You don't have a bio-filter with your skid like you do for your son. This is normal. When I feel this way I vent a bit to my DH and finish with "I love these kids baby, but I think I need a damn break! So, tag you're it."
    He is awesome. He doesn't berate me or get defensive. He asks me how much time I need and if I'll still do bedtime routine with him.
  • mom2boys664
    August 24, 2012 at 9:09 AM
    I'm really sorry you are going through this. I am almost exactly in your situation, except my ex lives in another state so all 3 kids are with us all the time. First, do you work outside the home or have any outside interests without the kids? I have a career and i am involved in a historical society so honestly having my own space and "me" time fills me up so I can give more of myself to all the kids. Also, dh does a lot - for all the kids not just his. Some of that probably wouldn't happen if I wasn't involved in other things and just said - ok, have a meeting tonight, it's just you and the kids! My skids had a lot of problems because of their BM and it's hard to deal with that. But I also don't hold myself back - I am mom now for all intents and purposes, I really don't have any respect for BM because of what she did to these kids - we don't speak of her, they are certainly free to and not a single bad thing will ever be said, but we are focused on today and the future for these kids. The last thing is that love can't be forced, you just have to give it time. I did make a point of hugging and kissing my skids (something they desperately needed IMO) even though at first it was more forced in the beginning. Now I can't wait for those little arms to be around me. It's hard to be a SM - don't beat yourself up :)


    Quoting Luvmykids1234:

    I am a full time mom to my two skids & ds. DS is at his fathers three out of four weekends a month & with me the rest of the time. Skids BM is not in pic at all. They are young, 5 & 7 (ds is 8). So I know that it is important for me to do the best I can to be a mom for them, but also keeping in mind & respecting that, despite all her flaws & basic abandonment of them, they do have a BM & Iwill always be sm.



    I try to be a good mom for them, but there are a lot of days when my patience just isn't there. They aren't terrible kids. They've got the normal age appropriate behaviors, good & bad. But I have such a hard time being nurturing to them. I find it vey difficult to hug &/or kiss them & have to force it, because, despite my lack of natural maternal feelings for them, I want them to feel secure & know I will be there for them, even if their BM couldn't be... But also making sure they know I'm not replacing her.



    I just somedays have no patience for them & find myself almost wishing they didn't existing...Im horrible I know. SS, 7yrs, is overly annoying just in general, is just his personality. He's clingy, loud, obnoxious, extremely smart for his age, so always asking questions, nothing a billion other kids aren't doing, but I ind myself loathing him some days & wanting to tell him to shut the hell up... My sd, 5yrs, is getting into her 5yr old bossy, me me me stage right now & I'm finding her to be less tolerable daily... She also has an terribley high pitched voice, which gets under my skin so easy...



    I feel terrible. I want so bad to have the maternal feelings i have for ds 8yrs, I find it natural to hug him, easy to comfort him & easier to forgive his faults &/or wrong doings. I struggle with all of that with the skids. I pray it gets easier & those negative feelings. Or being nurturing to them will over time become easier... I feel terrible that I sometimes hate my Skids & for no reason at all it seems, what is wrong with me?!

  • MomTiara19
    August 24, 2012 at 9:27 AM

    Man.....I just balled my eyes out:(

    I am an adult step child and your post just proved what I always knew inside.My step dad never loved me....just my bio mom.

    I did everything in my life to win that man over....and he could never love me.I guess the clingyness is a reaction to being pushed away.You fear abandonment and that no one will ever love you.

    You have a right to your emotions.Whatever you do let their dad love them....for they arent treated fairly....life handed these kids a bum deal.

    ~Tia

  • samurai_chica
    August 24, 2012 at 9:37 AM

    At least you are being honest with yourself & that is the best way to work on those feelings. Many step parents are assholes to their step kids, then turn around & say they really love them when they really don't. Some step parents are in denial that they don't like their step kids, and that can build up creating more resentment.

    The fact that you acknowledge how you feel, is a critical point in changing it. Also, they won't be this young & annoying forever...

    I would try to spend one on one time with each of them at least once a month. Do something you BOTH enjoy doing. Remind yourself that their mother abandoned them...and they need you. When it gets hard for you, picure it being your son...who is all of a sudden having to deal with a step mom. what if it was your son who was going to dads house & dealing with a step mom who didn't really like him?

    I believe these children are in your life for a reason. You have something to learn out of all of this. And in the end, if you stick with it & do you duties well...you will only be rewarded in the end. You will be smarter, more compassionate & more understanding...this is a big learning experience for you. Embrace it.

  • yesmaam
    by yesmaam
    August 24, 2012 at 9:45 AM
    Your feelings are no different than many mom's who cannot wait for school to start up again.
  • saywhat2102
    August 24, 2012 at 9:51 AM

    Nothings wrong with you my dear..........its called a period!  Happens to me every month and then my husband says babe go sit I got this....he says I get that "look" I dont know what hes talking about but ok lol

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