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Wondering what my next step should be..
by CKuse
June 6, 2011 at 11:42 PM

BM and I started out BAD. But then we started forming some type of working "relationship".. some may even call it a budding friendship. We talked on the phone for an hour or two on a couple different occasions.. then of course other people got involved and it became a mess. Things from the past were brought into the present and issues that shouldn't even be an issue made things very tense between her and I for a couple weeks. I backed off and licked my wounds, and we are back to not speaking other than when she is picking up or dropping off SS.

Now what do I do from here? I still feel the desire to reach out to her. Idk if anyone remembers any of the conversations that I have posted that her and I have had.. she is very clearly and vocally uncomfortable with me being in SS's life. She IMO seems to be slightly insecure about her relationship with SS, or at least what my involvement in his life will do to their relationship. I don't know how many ways I can try to explain to  her my intentions, she just doesn't seem to want to back down or re-think the situation any.

I know of some women here who say that they don't talk to BM at all, and I've tried that. But it is just in my nature to reach out to people. I WANT to have some type of relationship with her that isn't affected by outside influences and that is real. Maybe I'm just an idealist.. I just think it would be so much better for SS, me, DH, and even her that her and I could get along and form some type of "team" that parallels her and DH's coparenting relationship. I want to be comfortable and her to be comfortable talking to each other about SS.

Maybe it's because I've seen functioning great relationships between BM and SM in real life between my sister and the SM in her son's life. I've seen how they easily get along and co-parent and I wish that for BM and myself. I just don't know how to go about this. More time? More attempts to communicate? I truly genuinely want to be a type of friend to her. I have stopped my griping about her, even to DH. I have started only confiding in my sister who is the most non-judgmental person in my life and doesn't jump on the "lets hate BM" bandwagon like some of my friends tried to do when I confided in them. I'm taking the steps to stop thinking about her in a negative light, and try to put myself in her shoes in some of the situations we have disagreed about. I know you can't change anyone, but I really just want to make this drama-free and just peaceful.


  • nmaxwell816
    June 6, 2011 at 11:47 PM

     I have found it easier to deal with my own childrens step mom ( i would be the BM) through communication.  We don't always see eye to eye and I don't always get along with her but I know for the kids sake-It's necessary.  However, on the other hand, I am a step mom and I do not have anything to do with the BM.  It's frustrating.  I don't care for the woman but I wish I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel but she's too immature and I would probably rip her head off.  lol

  • angelrach86
    June 6, 2011 at 11:48 PM

    I would say give it time to cool down and see how it goes from there.. Take it step by step and slow and hopefully eventually she will come around, just show her with little things that you arent trying to take her place. Im not sure yet what that could be Id have to think about what u little things u could do to suggest.. I hope im making sense lol. Hope I helped.

  • ErinRenee815
    June 7, 2011 at 6:43 AM

    I agree that more time might be needed here. And you've got plenty of time! If your SS is young now you can expect that the way BM handles parenting will change and evolve as the child grows. She may be screaming for help by the time those tween years arrive. 

    If you're ready to communicate with BM start with little things. Maybe you and SS can do a craft and present it to BM next time she picks him up. After a few of these kind gestures, try talking to her. I really admire you for wanting to communicate with BM. You have every right to just walk away but you are going the extra mile. I hope it works out for you. Being in the BM situation with a SM is a really difficult spot. I still have those feelings of insecurity sometimes when the kids talk about how cool SM is. I want to be the only cool Mom in their lives but I gave up that right when I got divorced. Even though I know that logically, those twinges of jealousy come up for me still. Even though I'm not one, I know being a SM is really hard too. Kudos to you for wanting that great relationship with BM.

  • 4kidsmomma4life
    June 7, 2011 at 8:49 AM

    Well, BM may not actually want that.  In reality, you have taken her place in her ex's life.  We all want our relationships to work out and I'm sure it stings to see someone else where you imagined you'd be.  It may be that you trying so hard to befriend her is uncomfortable for her and maybe even threatening.  Maybe being friendly at drop offs/pick ups and events of SD is the best way to go at this point and let her make a next move (if any) that SHE is comfortable with.

  • SweetMsMills
    June 7, 2011 at 3:20 PM

    My ex married the woman he was cheating on me with for over a year....

    DESPITE that, I wanted the separation, divorce, and his remarriage to her to go as smoothly as possible for our daughters.  That mean setting out some ground rules about what I would and would not tolerate/want to see happen, etc.....

    1) As long as she treated the girls WELL while they were visiting their dad and her, I would be civil and polite and maintain my distance while the visit took place.

    2) IF she and my ex were to have children, our girls would not be treated differently while in his/her home.  I would also extend invites, etc. to their children, because these kids would essentially be my daughter's siblings as well.  They shouldn't see the "half" or "step" in it.  Family is family.


    3) As long as she respected the fact that the girls had a MOTHER and a FATHER.  We would decide what was best, we would determine discipline, etc.  She could offer her opinon, she could help to enforce and if logistics and travel were involved and she was willing to help, etc.....But my ex and I would be the final determination of what happened with our kids.

    I never had issues with my girls' stepmother.  In fact, I kind of miss her now that he's divorcing her and has a new one already.  I can honestly say there were times when she helped me out tremendously.  We were always respectful of each other because of the girls.  She even took DD to buy a prom dress, etc. her senior year, when she had three formals in three weekends and I was just completely tapped out by the second dance. LOL....

    But ex can't have someone who actually has a brain in her head.  This creeper he's with now....UGH.....bad-mouthing me to my own (and her) kids and she's never even laid eyes on me.  Ex has got to be loving that.....*sigh*.....I miss Jenny....LOL

  • Laf67
    by Laf67
    June 8, 2011 at 9:50 PM
    I would give it time to develop. Just be friendly and if there ever comes a time when you could help her out with a favor, that would help to build trust. I really like my biokids smom. She is kind and friendly and invites me and my husband to dinner with her and my ex. I like her way more than my ex :). My skids BM is a different story. She wants nothing to do with me. She has stated in the past that I have no say in any decisions that affect our lives. She told my hd and I that we don't have to be friends and should sit away from them at the kids sporting events. She involves her husband all the time when it comes to his skids. She just doesn't want me to be a part of it at all. So I hold back and have no contact with her even though I think we could help each other deal with my ss drug problem / depression. She acts as if I am not here in her kids lives.

    So it just depends on what type of personality you are dealing with and if they are secure enough with themselves to do the right thing for their children to have a peaceful life.
  • lilangilyn
    June 8, 2011 at 10:12 PM

    Just give it time. Just be open to whatever comes along.

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