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Jasmine424
How do you deal with an "expectation gap" with your child?
December 12, 2013 at 8:03 PM

This is something that I have struggled for years and something I thought of asking other mothers, but didn't know how to word it, didn't know if anybody could understand me or didn't know if it was worth asking even. I need someone who struggle with this also. If you don't understand my frustration, please move onto a different post.

My question is "is there anyone who excelled in something as a child but your child does/did not?" It can be anything, but preferably something that you have to deal with on a daily basis. For example, you were an excellent writer, but your child is not. You were a child basketball star, but your child is so clumsy. You always kept your room very tidy as a child, but your child is messy or gross. You get the idea.


My child's struggles are phonics, spelling, and math. I know the cause; it's probably genetic from my husband's side. But I sometimes want to scream until I die when I help her with academics, but I don't, because it won't help me calm down or solve the problem. But I have this churning lava feeling in my heart and wonder if I would collapse from bottling it up.

How do you actually change and adjust your expectation? To me, this is so easily said than done. I'm a protective mother, so I don't share this on FB to protect my child's reputation. But by doing this, I feel very frustrated, miserable and alone. I'm tired of hearing "poor child" for not getting it from my mother-in-law too.   

Replies

  • RADmomma
    December 12, 2013 at 8:09 PM
    I'm sorry. I tend to be over critical & expect more. It's also tough because I love to read, write & do book work. Dd doesn't she is very much hands on like my husband. I just keep reminding myself that she's 6... And she's not me... As long as she is learning everyday... She doesn't have to be perfect. I also find that when I start to see us falling into a funk.. I change it up, play a math game, cook something & learn measurements... Anything but what we were doing. We can always go back to that tomorrow.
  • AutymsMommy
    December 12, 2013 at 8:35 PM

    Golly, yes.

    I was/am an avid reader. I excelled in ELA during my early school years (when I still gave a hoot, lol). I was horrible in maths.

    My eldest is dyslexic; she finally enjoys reading (very much actually), but didn't until this year (grade 7); she very much struggles in writing and spelling and currently attends a private school for bright/gifted dyslexic children. She excels in maths.

    Frankly, I couldn't adjust my frustrations, even though I could adjust my attitude. That's why she's in school right now. As I see how well her tutors work with her, and how, I gain more understanding of why she struggles and how to best help her.

  • paganbaby
    December 12, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    Reading and writing. I LOVED reading and writig growing up. I still read a lot as an adult. Getting my kids to read and write is like pulling teeth! My youngest (7) is pretty good at it but won't read for pleasure. My older two (14 and 8) I'm still trying to figure out how to motivate them. It's hit and miss. 

    When I feel like snapping at them I just excuse myself or have them take a brak and move on to something else. As long as I'm seeing progress, I know we're good.

  • kmath
    by kmath
    December 12, 2013 at 9:32 PM

    Reading.  I devoured books from the first time I figured out that letters made words and words made new worlds to crawl into and explore.  DS isn't like that at all.  He doesn't like reading.  If he could avoid it he would.  He is a great reader, he just doesn't like to do it.  I have to remind myself that he isn't me, and he doesn't have to love the same things I do.  Instead, I read to him and keep showing him my love of reading and hope one day he picks up on it.

  • mem82
    by mem82
    December 12, 2013 at 9:41 PM
    I suggest finding something you can mutually enjoy and fill some of that apace that your child is leaving empty. That might help with your frustration levels.
  • Mandallyn
    December 12, 2013 at 9:58 PM
    Yes, reading comprehension. It drives me NUTS. We were reading the hen and the golden eggs, a short, simple story. I ask him who owned the chicken. 'I don't know.'

    O.o Literally the first few words are 'A man and his wife.' Ugh... If I'm having a day were I'm really struggling, I just take a deep breath, go get a drink or something If I need a couple extra seconds to calm down and re-read it to him. Drives me nuts, but I know it's not his fault.
  • Jasmine424
    December 12, 2013 at 11:40 PM

    Your message was very soothing. I knew I wan't alone, but not many people actually complain, so I wasn't sure if people would just tell me to suck it up and just do it. I love book work and married a hands-on husband too...lol It works great because we compliment each other, but when it comes to school work, it definitely gets hard. I sometimes feel like I'm unschooling even though that's not my plan. Thanks for sharing what you do to change the mood!

    Quoting RADmomma: I'm sorry. I tend to be over critical & expect more. It's also tough because I love to read, write & do book work. Dd doesn't she is very much hands on like my husband. I just keep reminding myself that she's 6... And she's not me... As long as she is learning everyday... She doesn't have to be perfect. I also find that when I start to see us falling into a funk.. I change it up, play a math game, cook something & learn measurements... Anything but what we were doing. We can always go back to that tomorrow.


  • Jasmine424
    December 12, 2013 at 11:49 PM

    My husband was dyslexic too!

    It's wonderful that your daughter goes to a school for bright/gifted dyslexic children. I had never heard of it.

    I decided to homeschool to cultivate the love of learning, and this is not what I pictured... I'm content with my decision to homeschool, but actually doing it is so hard. Hopefully, my child's tutor has more patience and expertise and is able to make math more fun :)

    Thanks for your response!

    Quoting AutymsMommy:

    Golly, yes.

    I was/am an avid reader. I excelled in ELA during my early school years (when I still gave a hoot, lol). I was horrible in maths.

    My eldest is dyslexic; she finally enjoys reading (very much actually), but didn't until this year (grade 7); she very much struggles in writing and spelling and currently attends a private school for bright/gifted dyslexic children. She excels in maths.

    Frankly, I couldn't adjust my frustrations, even though I could adjust my attitude. That's why she's in school right now. As I see how well her tutors work with her, and how, I gain more understanding of why she struggles and how to best help her.


  • Jasmine424
    December 12, 2013 at 11:59 PM

    Pulling teeth sounds so right! Reading, not so much, but I loved writing long journals. Writing comes as natually as speaking to me, but when I ask my child to write, she panics. She can tell me the answers to Story of the World and such, but when I ask her to "just write down all you just said," she acts like I just told her to walk on a tight rope.

    I have excused myself too many times and now she is a little behind on our yearly plan on English and Math. I never even imagined that my chid would fall behind, but I know I have to accept the fact and adjust the plan... I really like your last line. That's what I need to be saying...

    Quoting paganbaby:

    Reading and writing. I LOVED reading and writig growing up. I still read a lot as an adult. Getting my kids to read and write is like pulling teeth! My youngest (7) is pretty good at it but won't read for pleasure. My older two (14 and 8) I'm still trying to figure out how to motivate them. It's hit and miss. 

    When I feel like snapping at them I just excuse myself or have them take a brak and move on to something else. As long as I'm seeing progress, I know we're good.


  • Jasmine424
    December 13, 2013 at 12:18 AM

    Wow, you sound like you really excelled in school.

    We devoured library books weekly and I was expecting her to start reading at 3, but we stumbled big time. It was a long waiting game and self-esteem lowering experience for me. My child still likes hearing the books and reading books for pleasure, but when I actually hear her read new books, she often says, "something, something" or guesses big time for the words that she can't read. She has a very hard time remembering phonics.

    I'll try to be more patient and have a long-term goal. It was nice to get this out of me and feel connected with other mothers. Thanks. 

    Quoting kmath:

    Reading.  I devoured books from the first time I figured out that letters made words and words made new worlds to crawl into and explore.  DS isn't like that at all.  He doesn't like reading.  If he could avoid it he would.  He is a great reader, he just doesn't like to do it.  I have to remind myself that he isn't me, and he doesn't have to love the same things I do.  Instead, I read to him and keep showing him my love of reading and hope one day he picks up on it.


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