Homeschooling Moms

Tal0n
Hissy Fit Husband (VENT)
by Tal0n
November 14, 2013 at 11:26 AM

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.

Replies

  • Bleacheddecay
    November 14, 2013 at 12:00 PM

    *HUGS* I'd want to deck him too.

  • debramommyof4
    November 14, 2013 at 12:21 PM
    I would have decked him. Hugs!
  • Jinx-Troublex3
    November 14, 2013 at 12:54 PM

    I have a husband that sounds very similar He doesn't say anything, stews on crap, and then blows up about once a year.

    Usually he is saying that I "waste" too much money on Boy Scouts and let the house get to ocluttered.

    Boy Scouts is the main acivity both boys and I and often DD do. It is what gets us out of the house. Once thy make Eagle scout, it also has the potential to mean scholarships for the boys, and big bonuses in interviewing, or higher pay in the military or help getting jobs.  

    Yes, I admit, the house gets cluttered. We get running here and there, and I let things pile up but it is never "filthy" it is never really gross. KWIM? Nothing to warrant his blowups. I also bring up that he smokes (at least $7 a day), and drinks aclohol to the cost of a couple hundred dollars a month between the two and that is WAY WAY more tha nI spend on Scout stuff!

    So, I feel ya. I want to smack mine too!! LOL

    I have tried to get mine to go to therapy and he says it is all me, that he is fine. (Yeah...360 days a year @@)

  • AutymsMommy
    November 14, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    Don't hit me.

    You're putting your child's activities over your marriage and family activities. You said yourself that her activities only give one free day.

    While my husband wouldn't blow up like that, he would not be happy with the schedule either.

    Me thinks that if you're going to keep up with the schedule, you at least owe it to your husband to do an activity with him (like the movie he wanted to see) - tired or not.

  • Tal0n
    by Tal0n
    November 14, 2013 at 6:50 PM

    I'm not going to hit you but you seem to have missed a few key points:

    Yes, one free day with NOTHING.  Then I pointed out that there's only ONE day where she literally has no time for anything else. (that would be Tuesday, co-op day) 

    All the other days are single activities that can be planned around (OR SKIPPED ENTIRELY) IF HE WOULD SPEAK UP.  Instead he says nothing, gets resentful then blows it all over me and Chibi.

    I also pointed out that we currently have no money, no job (recent development, though when he was working it was less than 2/3'rds of what he used to make) and no reliable vehicle (and haven't for some time) and these are more an issue in not doing what he wants than Chibi's activities.

    Also we had an ENTIRE summer where the only thing she did was JOAD and a couple of weeks of camp.  Did he suggest anything?  NOPE.

    I only have so many spoons, and we only have so much funds and frankly I refuse to spend them both on a movie 2/3rds of the family is not at all interested in.  No, the movie itself is not the real issue.

    I put my child's education first because I'm not a spoiled brat like Dh acts.  There are plenty of ways he could have gone about this and NOT spewed resentment all over Chibi and me.

    I am aware that not all of this was made entirely clear in the Original Post.  When we DID have available funds and transportation and I wasn't so sick, we did lots of things.  Our situation has not been ideal for some time, and he needs to deal with the reality and put his resentment where it belongs.  On our situation as a whole, not on Chibi's schedule.


    Quoting AutymsMommy:

    Don't hit me.

    You're putting your child's activities over your marriage and family activities. You said yourself that her activities only give one free day.

    While my husband wouldn't blow up like that, he would not be happy with the schedule either.

    Me thinks that if you're going to keep up with the schedule, you at least owe it to your husband to do an activity with him (like the movie he wanted to see) - tired or not.



  • Tal0n
    by Tal0n
    November 14, 2013 at 7:06 PM

    Holy crap!!  Mine is a cigar smoker, but he quits when we have no money and he's not a drinker for which I'm grateful.  But yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from.

    I mean, after 20 years I should expect this, right?  But if he says nothing about how he feels, how the hell am I supposed to know what he's going to blow up about?

    And money is part of the thing.  When we don't have it?  I find ways to make sure Chibi can do the things she wants, because she really doesn't ask for much.  YMCA Swim Club is low pressure competition, but is great team and personal building as well as healthy (which is good bc her father...not a physical kind of person, and before I got sick I was a jock's jock.  I was second in the state in Judo for my rank and weight division AFTER high school).  Her Teen Open Studio gives TREMENDOUS opportunities for FREE...already this year she's met an artist who has an installation piece at a local art gallery/museum and done a workshop WITH THE ARTIST to learn about movement in art.  Next week, they're going to see The Magic Flute, have a tour and a pizza party with the cast members.  Again.  Free and they even provide transportation.  JOAD, HE got her into.  He's got NO business complaining about that because not only did he start her in it, he found her a bow and she earned half the money for it last winter.

    Tuesday is the only really long day, and with art, she sometimes misses swim practices, hell she sometimes misses them because I'm sick or the car has a breakdown or the weather is bad.  It's not a huge deal unless she has a meet coming up.  Chibi and I are not inflexible; in fact since she's got such a black-white perspective it's my job to MAKE her as flexible as I can.  These activities are part of that.  Doing things as a family...WHEN WE HAVE THE MEANS...is not a bad thing.

    Frankly, he's HONESTLY whining about the entirely wrong thing.  It's really not Chibi's schedule that's the problem. It's not, but he's not going to admit more issues with not being able to provide for his family.  There are other things I'd like to do, but I can't until we have a more reliable vehicle and I can get some kind of treatment for my illness.  (Since he lost his job, we lost insurance and the med combo that worked for me.) I have hissy fits, but they're aimed towards my illness and myself because I'm a personal responsibility kind of person.  So is he mostly, but then BOOM.  Hissy fit out of literally nowhere.  He even SAYS he's been holding whatever in for X-amount of time.  He says it STRAIGHT OUT.

    So what am I supposed to do with THAT? KWIM?



    Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

    I have a husband that sounds very similar He doesn't say anything, stews on crap, and then blows up about once a year.

    Usually he is saying that I "waste" too much money on Boy Scouts and let the house get to ocluttered.

    Boy Scouts is the main acivity both boys and I and often DD do. It is what gets us out of the house. Once thy make Eagle scout, it also has the potential to mean scholarships for the boys, and big bonuses in interviewing, or higher pay in the military or help getting jobs.  

    Yes, I admit, the house gets cluttered. We get running here and there, and I let things pile up but it is never "filthy" it is never really gross. KWIM? Nothing to warrant his blowups. I also bring up that he smokes (at least $7 a day), and drinks aclohol to the cost of a couple hundred dollars a month between the two and that is WAY WAY more tha nI spend on Scout stuff!

    So, I feel ya. I want to smack mine too!! LOL

    I have tried to get mine to go to therapy and he says it is all me, that he is fine. (Yeah...360 days a year @@)



  • Tal0n
    by Tal0n
    November 14, 2013 at 7:10 PM

    I wanted to, but we had to make an agreement early on in our relationship to break certain bad habits.  I come from a very physically aggressive and affectionate family.  We're as likely to punch as to hug.  So when Dh and I would get into arguments, I'd often react physically, even if it wasn't a BIG thing.

    He had a habit of calling and considering everyone "stupid" compared to himself.  That won't fly with me.  Ever.  I refuse to be called stupid in any of its forms (and he's gotten creative with back-handed statements that I DO NOT LET SLIDE).

    Both were bad habits.  I agreed to not respond physically, in anger or otherwise to verbal teasing, arguing or just plain talking, he agreed to never call me stupid.

    I should have amended that I get a free punch of my choice when he backslides.  *grumble*


    Quoting debramommyof4:

    I would have decked him. Hugs!



  • Tal0n
    by Tal0n
    November 14, 2013 at 7:11 PM

    Oh I SO did.  And 99.9% of that desire stems from his spewing all this with Chibi right in the car.  WTF!!!


    Quoting Bleacheddecay:

    *HUGS* I'd want to deck him too.



  • kirbymom
    November 14, 2013 at 8:45 PM
    Definitely "HUGS" are in need here. While you have valid points, have you taken any time to ask him what he's been thinking and feeling lately? Maybe he needs a hubby/wife day? Sometimes the stress of being the man and being the one who has to always
    have answers to what is going on in the family and always be on can take a toll on a guy. Not that you aren't doing and feeling the same way but men just do nor handle emotional and stress the same way women do. Maybe you can be the one place your hubby can let his hair down, so to speak?

    I, for one, think you both are doing a great job being parents with all the stress you both are under.


    Quoting Tal0n:

    I'm not going to hit you but you seem to have missed a few key points:

    Yes, one free day with NOTHING.  Then I pointed out that there's only ONE day where she literally has no time for anything else. (that would be Tuesday, co-op day) 

    All the other days are single activities that can be planned around (OR SKIPPED ENTIRELY) IF HE WOULD SPEAK UP.  Instead he says nothing, gets resentful then blows it all over me and Chibi.

    I also pointed out that we currently have no money, no job (recent development, though when he was working it was less than 2/3'rds of what he used to make) and no reliable vehicle (and haven't for some time) and these are more an issue in not doing what he wants than Chibi's activities.

    Also we had an ENTIRE summer where the only thing she did was JOAD and a couple of weeks of camp.  Did he suggest anything?  NOPE.

    I only have so many spoons, and we only have so much funds and frankly I refuse to spend them both on a movie 2/3rds of the family is not at all interested in.  No, the movie itself is not the real issue.

    I put my child's education first because I'm not a spoiled brat like Dh acts.  There are plenty of ways he could have gone about this and NOT spewed resentment all over Chibi and me.

    I am aware that not all of this was made entirely clear in the Original Post.  When we DID have available funds and transportation and I wasn't so sick, we did lots of things.  Our situation has not been ideal for some time, and he needs to deal with the reality and put his resentment where it belongs.  On our situation as a whole, not on Chibi's schedule.


    Quoting AutymsMommy:

    Don't hit me.

    You're putting your child's activities over your marriage and family activities. You said yourself that her activities only give one free day.

    While my husband wouldn't blow up like that, he would not be happy with the schedule either.

    Me thinks that if you're going to keep up with the schedule, you at least owe it to your husband to do an activity with him (like the movie he wanted to see) - tired or not.




  • debramommyof4
    November 14, 2013 at 9:16 PM
    I would

    Quoting Tal0n:

    I wanted to, but we had to make an agreement early on in our relationship to break certain bad habits.  I come from a very physically aggressive and affectionate family.  We're as likely to punch as to hug.  So when Dh and I would get into arguments, I'd often react physically, even if it wasn't a BIG thing.

    He had a habit of calling and considering everyone "stupid" compared to himself.  That won't fly with me.  Ever.  I refuse to be called stupid in any of its forms (and he's gotten creative with back-handed statements that I DO NOT LET SLIDE).

    Both were bad habits.  I agreed to not respond physically, in anger or otherwise to verbal teasing, arguing or just plain talking, he agreed to never call me stupid.

    I should have amended that I get a free punch of my choice when he backslides.  *grumble*



    Quoting debramommyof4:

    I would have decked him. Hugs!




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