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KrissyKC
The easy way or the hard way??? ****UPDATE****
October 28, 2013 at 12:41 AM

Ok, sorry, I was MIA for a few days.   I thought I would come back and update.   I admit, some of the replies, I only had time to skim this evening.   I need to go back and re-read them later.   I appreciate the comments and concerns and even the negativity.   That's why I'm bothering to post here at all, because I belive that "iron" does in fact "sharpen iron."   It's good to hear like-minded moms share their thoughts on situations like this.

So...   here's the update:

I went ahead with this type of treatment for a couple days.   Not like calling her names or anything like that, but making it clear that by choosing to lie and sneak and hide, that she was behaving immature and had continually broken trust to the point that our "trust bank" was pretty much empty.

I followed her around when doing chores, I told her about how displeased I was having to do so instead of doing the other things I needed to do... I explained how much better she would feel inside by being trusted to do her chores and how much better it is to be trusted in what she says, too.   I didn't do the multiplication thing, because this child is a math whiz and really LOVES math... LOL!   It would have been a reward.

Anyway, like I said, I tried this at the suggestion of others that I've come to respect on here.  

After about two days of this, I pulled her aside and had a discussion.   We talked about how not listening ONCE in a while, or making mistakes ONCE in a while were normal.   None of us want to do what other people ask all the time.   However, CONSTANTLY disobeying like that and lying, it's like water dripping on a stone, it can destroy and wear away our family and our home to constantly have to follow around behind her making sure she's obeying us and participating in family life.   

I tried to create more of a discussion, but I'm sure it was more one sided.   However, I got the feeling she was thinking about it at least.

I asked her if she was wanting to be trusted again.   I asked her what it would take to BE trustworthy.   She gave me some decent answers and I agreed to let her off "watch" and give her back the trust.    She gave me big hugs and we went on with our day.

She has been in a great attitude since then, she's offered to help twice without being asked and she has not grumbled about her chores.   I know it's been a short time, but because of the improvement in her behavior, we agreed to let her spend the day at a friend's house when she got invited today.    She was elated and had lots of fun.   The family loved having her, and want her to come over again.   She made me very proud, and I told her that.

She went to bed skipping and singing.   :)

Personally, I think it was the combination of a "negative" response to her behavior combined with the heart to heart combined with the "restoration" ...  I think that's what might have worked this time.

Now, we will see if it has lasting effects.  

For some that said I reacted way to harshly for just fifteen minutes of sneaking and reading.......I don't mind she reads for 15 minutes instead of doing what I asked if it weren't a CONSTANT thing.  

What would you do if every time your child walked away from you, they just plain refused to obey anything asked of them?  You might start with a discussion... try to get into why they want to not obey.   Ok, been there, done that, bought the tee shirt.   Then what?




You may remember I've posted about my 11 yr old and lying being excessive.

Tonight, I sent them to go straighten their rooms and get in bed because we were at an activity until close to bed time.

I hear NOTHING from my eldest daughter for a while and I called her to me.   She hasn't even taken off her jacket yet.

Me:   Kaycee, stop reading, young lady (notice, I didn't even ask if she was reading..didn't put her in the position to lie to me)...

her:   What?  I wasn't reading.

Me: (with a grin, not even irritated, but in a way of, "mom knows you are doing somthing)... so... what were you doing?

her:   *pause* What you told me to do....

Me:   Which is what specifically?

her:  *pause* I was cleaning my room.

Me:  (Staring at her, KNOWING that she is telling me another lie.)    But what exactly did you just go clean up?   What specific items, because I'm not hearing any cleaning...

her:   Well, Abby (sis's) blankets are all over the floor.   (another symptom... blame)...

Me:  If they are currently all over the floor, those aren't what you were picking up, so what EXACTLY were you picking up.

Her:  *longer pause and wide eyes*   uhm... some stuff....

Me:   Kaycee, I am going to be honest and tell you that I know that you are lying.   Remember how we have talked about lying?   Are you wanting to do this hard way or the easy way? ((asked in my normal and calm voice, I'm just bolding it for effect here))  

Her:   ((Big long pause, wide eyes, batting lashes))  ...I'm not lying.

Me:   So what exactly did you clean?

Her:  *pause again*   well... uhm... there were some hangers on the floor and some other stuff.

Me:   (walking to her room and see absolutely NOTHING picked up)   Well, those hangers, there... on the floor.   Those are the ones you've spent 15 minutes now cleaning up?

Her:   *wide eyed stare*...

Me:   Well... *looking around the room*... what did you pick up?

Her:  .....nothing... 

Me:   What were you doing?

Her: .....reading.... *mumbled*


Seriously???    I didn't ASK you to admit to it.   I just told you from the get-go to stop reading and do as you were told.   You didn't have to say or do anything except choose to listen.   However, since you chose to lie... and then chose to lie again when I reminded you that lying is unacceptable and you had the choice between the hard way or the easy way....

Well.. here's your hard way...   go write me 200 sentences before bed.




Replies

  • KrissyKC
    October 28, 2013 at 12:44 AM

    Here's the sad part...

    I was just giving her a reminder to not read when she is told to get ready for bed... that's it.   My ONLY intention in the start of this conversation was to prod her along into getting ready for bed.   

    Yeah, the not listening frustrates me, but I wasn't going to make a big issue out of it.   However, lying just burns my popcorn!!!!   Especially when I get really "real" with her about it and give her a second chance to break the habit.

    Grrr...

    This is just a vent.   I know some of you don't assign writing for discipline, but I do...  She is very strong willed and most disciplines just roll off her back and are ineffective.



  • jurbi
    by jurbi
    October 28, 2013 at 12:48 AM

    my four year old does the lying and the blame game.  we are learning character traits every week and truthful is this weeks trait... its amazing how much they actually listen when you give them a bible verse, it seems like they listen to that more than me just saying not to lie.... our bible verse this week is ephesians 4:25 therefore each of you mush put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  whenever he is lying and i can tell, i make him repeat that verse and almost immediatly he tells me the truth:)

  • Jenn8604
    October 28, 2013 at 12:51 AM
    Next time make it 400 times something like I will listen to my mother and do as I am told, the first time, and stop lying to try to get out of trouble, as that only makes me in more trouble.
  • Jenn8604
    October 28, 2013 at 12:53 AM
    I like that. For older kids write that verse over and over :)

    Quoting jurbi:

    my four year old does the lying and the blame game.  we are learning character traits every week and truthful is this weeks trait... its amazing how much they actually listen when you give them a bible verse, it seems like they listen to that more than me just saying not to lie.... our bible verse this week is ephesians 4:25 therefore each of you mush put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  whenever he is lying and i can tell, i make him repeat that verse and almost immediatly he tells me the truth:)

  • MomInTheirWorld
    October 28, 2013 at 1:00 AM
    I feel your frustration. I remind my 8yr old that when he tells the truth about something bad he did he will sometimes get in trouble, but when he lies he will ALWAYS get in trouble.
  • paganbaby
    October 28, 2013 at 1:15 AM

    This.

    Quoting MomInTheirWorld:

    I feel your frustration. I remind my 8yr old that when he tells the truth about something bad he did he will sometimes get in trouble, but when he lies he will ALWAYS get in trouble.


  • PurpleCupcake
    October 28, 2013 at 6:52 AM

    My daughter went through that phase at that age...She grew out of it. 

    I think she grew out of it because whatever the situation was, she got in trouble for the lie and not so much for whatever she told the the lie for.

    And then...whatever she said I wouldn't believe her (or pretended not to believe her) "once a liar always a liar", I would say. 

    I think a lie is the easy way out. It's too tempting and worth the consequences to them. 

    It took about a year for my daughter to come to the conclusion that a lie was not worth it.

    I think 200 is too much. Not because she is young, but because it will take too long and by the time she gets a few sentences done, she has already told a lie again that you need to punish for. 

    I'd do 10 sentences for each lie. Tell a lie = stop what you doing and give me ten sentences. 

    And also...each lie comes with a heart to heart lecture of why telling a lie is wrong. 

  • jwhit8791
    October 28, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    We are dealing with this also with both my 6 and 4YO.  Saturday they went to a festival and got Halloween candy.  We don't allow them much candy so DH told them to put their buckets up on the counter and they could have one piece after dinner.  I was gone grocery shopping so I had no idea what went down.

    needless to say, somehow a bucket ended upstairs and was almost emptied.  They now have early bedtime all week, no treats or desserts of any kind for three weeks and DH said that Halloween is canceled for the boys.  I am still working on that one, because I would hate for them to miss out on a once a year event, but I guess we will see how it works out.  It would teach them a lesson I guess.

  • hwblyf
    by hwblyf
    October 28, 2013 at 7:36 AM

    My oldest will lie occassionally.  Really stupid stuff that's amazingly easy to see through, just like your daughter's lie.  :(  So we go through the whole process, the whole yada yada yada of it all.  He and his brother were having a pillow fight after lights off, running up and down the hallway.  I took my younger's pillow (it was the only one out), only to have him get his other pillow.  Took that one.  They're at it again, but RUN into their beds when my door opens.  I go take the oldest's pillow.  "It wasn't me, Mom."  All indignant.  Yeah, give me the pillow.  So he finally admitted to it, but I could throttle him.  And I don't make him write sentences like that, but he sometimes get the opportunity to write me a nice long apology to reduce his sentence.  I usually take away Wii.  You would think I sentenced him to death when that happens.

  • bluerooffarm
    October 28, 2013 at 8:50 AM

    What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.

    When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.

     

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