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KrissyKC
don't know if I can do this...((very long))
October 8, 2013 at 2:06 PM

I figured something out today.    Before I share my revelation, let me explain where it came from.

Some of you might be remembering some of my previous posts about my kids just not.... not doing.   Not doing anything, really.   I can't get them to brush their teeth, do their chore, etc.... NOTHING.   

It's not the actual schooling itself, it's the independent work or anything at all they have to accomplish or get completed.   Everything from showering to brushing their hair to chores to writing out their math work to practicing for their events that they WANT to be in... they just do nothing.

Like lumps...

Sitting around...

I'm always having to wait and wait and wait... or get behind and push and poke and prod....  Of course, we all know how that works really well, right?

Well, I've been noticing that most Mondays and Fridays when it's just the kids and I here, we manage to accomplish stuff.   Yesterday, I had a migraine and the kids had to help me in the AM.   However, once I got up, we managed to still log 5 hours worth of school and get to the park for 3 hours.   I pushed them on the swings, played rocket with them, etc..    

I DID end up buying us Taco Bell for dinner, but for a day where I had a headache so bad I actually threw up four times, I felt pretty good about myself.

I went to bed still feeling horrible.   Got up a little late today because my alarm I set a few weeks ago (to repeat) on my phone suddenly stopped going off in the middle of last week... happened to be during one of DH's days off.   

Anyway, DH is off Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.   These days are always HORRIBLE for school.  I finally realized why.

The kids are doing what kids are supposed to do.   They are following their leader.

I can't fight it anymore.   

Dad is lazy, lays around, putzes, doesn't get plugged in, doesn't do ANYTHING he says he wants to do... doesn't follow through on anything, etc...

My grass in my backyard is as high as almost my knee in two places.   He was supposed to cut it two weeks when he was off, but put it off til the last day and then woke up with one of his migraines and went back to sleep from 9:30 until about 2:45.   Then he woke up and acted groggy and sick the rest of the night.  He cut three strips in the lawn and came inside and quit.

I love him.   He's a kind person, and treats the kids and I with respect.  I know that he cares about them and I.   He also works and I don't, so obviously he's providing.  We've struggled over some of the problems he's had (got himself fired, started a business and failed at it because of just not trying, etc..).. but on the whole, we are mostly provided for.   I've had to help a time or two with doing childcare or holding down a job or something for a while... but he is finally matured enough and in a lasting career that I hope that is all behind us.

But, with his schedule, I just can't do it.   They follow his lead.   He IS the head of the household (in our belief system), and the kids are following him.   How can I punnish the dogs on the sled dog team if they are doing what they are supposed to do and following the lead dog???

What can I do?
 



Replies

  • Clh1989
    by Clh1989
    October 9, 2013 at 9:01 AM

    Would he get involved with homeschooling? We cant seem to accomplish anything when my husband is home either, my son is just too distracted. We have started having my husband do some science, math, or history with him. Its always something fun, like a movie and a discussion or an activity, but it helps us keep the pace going. 

  • KrissyKC
    October 9, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    Update:   Today he got up and woke up the family.   He started morning meeting while I got breakfast going.   I joined them and taught sign language and he participated...    Then we had quiet time and he took the kids outside to do a fall clean up on the yard and to learn how to help him mow the lawn.

    I hope it's not just a one or two day thing because I "squawked" about stuff.





  • bluerooffarm
    October 9, 2013 at 12:52 PM

     I'm glad to hear that he helped out this morning.  I hope it's not just because you "squawked" too!  LOL that made me giggle!

    I have problems when hubby is home, but they are usually that he begins something that is not on my list for the day.  Last week he got the boys splitting wood right after breakfast, so I had to re-work the whole day so we could still fit some school in.  Just as frustrating!

    Can you do school on the weekends?  Can you try to do some "lazy learning" on the days he's home?  Like documentaries, read to them (maybe some living history books or some science articles), do some home-ec like cooking or sewing that they can do while lazing around?

     

  • JKronrod
    October 9, 2013 at 5:31 PM

    Honey, I know part of what you are saying is coming from your belief system, which I respect although it's not the way my marriage is structured (and in the interests of full disclosure, I'm Jewish, not Christian, and my husband and I, who have been married now for almost 27 years, view ourselves more as a co-equal partnership), and I know that this is not your intent, but it seems to me that there is a danger that you are putting a huge burden on your husband that could really lead to problems between the two of you.  If you say to him what you are saying in this post, it could very easily be interpreted as "It's your fault that the kids aren't doing what they are supposed to," which will likely lead to a defensive stance from him -- "No, I'm working all day; it's YOUR fault that the kids aren't doing  what they are supposed to" (whether he says it out loud or not),  which will potentially cause your relationship to spiral down from there.  You need to be looking for ways to support each other and to give each other the ability to do things better that you would have if on your own.  Pointing out faults may not help, especially for this type of problem where there is likely no single origin of the problem (at least not one that everyone involved would accept).  I think, perhaps, you need to view this as a FAMILY problem.  I'm sure that you can think of areas where you aren't following through.  You could approach this as, "Honey, the kids aren't following through, and I think that in part it's because they perceive us as not following through.  Do you think that may be a possibility?"  He may actually have a different perspective on what the problem is and some ideas that might actually help.  But if he does agree, you might be able to leverage this into commitments by the entire family to take small steps toward doing certain things -- perhaps with agreed upon rewards for all of you as a family for accomplishments both major and minor.  The important thing is to turn the direction around and look for small successes that could then be built upon.  If it's making sure that everyone comes to the breakfast table with hair brushed start there.  Don't try to do everything at once.  I also recommend Flylady.com if you aren't already using it.  I don't follow her completely, but her attitude can be very helpful in getting things back on track.  Good luck!    

  • KrissyKC
    October 9, 2013 at 9:14 PM

    Thank you for your advice.   I do appreciate it, and I recognize that you've had a long marriage and experience.

    No, I'm not trying to "put" everything on him.   However, what do you do when BOTH people talk about what they want for the family, but then only one works TOWARD those goals.  The other one talks a good game, and then sits on his hands and waits for you to do it all for him.   

    I appreciate the flylady suggestion, however, I doubt she has anything in there about motivating your husband to do what he says he wants to do but won't actually do.


    Quoting JKronrod:

    Honey, I know part of what you are saying is coming from your belief system, which I respect although it's not the way my marriage is structured (and in the interests of full disclosure, I'm Jewish, not Christian, and my husband and I, who have been married now for almost 27 years, view ourselves more as a co-equal partnership), and I know that this is not your intent, but it seems to me that there is a danger that you are putting a huge burden on your husband that could really lead to problems between the two of you.  If you say to him what you are saying in this post, it could very easily be interpreted as "It's your fault that the kids aren't doing what they are supposed to," which will likely lead to a defensive stance from him -- "No, I'm working all day; it's YOUR fault that the kids aren't doing  what they are supposed to" (whether he says it out loud or not),  which will potentially cause your relationship to spiral down from there.  You need to be looking for ways to support each other and to give each other the ability to do things better that you would have if on your own.  Pointing out faults may not help, especially for this type of problem where there is likely no single origin of the problem (at least not one that everyone involved would accept).  I think, perhaps, you need to view this as a FAMILY problem.  I'm sure that you can think of areas where you aren't following through.  You could approach this as, "Honey, the kids aren't following through, and I think that in part it's because they perceive us as not following through.  Do you think that may be a possibility?"  He may actually have a different perspective on what the problem is and some ideas that might actually help.  But if he does agree, you might be able to leverage this into commitments by the entire family to take small steps toward doing certain things -- perhaps with agreed upon rewards for all of you as a family for accomplishments both major and minor.  The important thing is to turn the direction around and look for small successes that could then be built upon.  If it's making sure that everyone comes to the breakfast table with hair brushed start there.  Don't try to do everything at once.  I also recommend Flylady.com if you aren't already using it.  I don't follow her completely, but her attitude can be very helpful in getting things back on track.  Good luck!    



  • JKronrod
    October 9, 2013 at 10:35 PM

     Actually, Flylady focuses on leading by example and doing things because it give YOU peace.  If you haven't looked at the site, you might give it a try.  I can sense the frustration you have - and it's undoubtedly justified - but you need to be looking for what he CAN do and WILL do (those small successes).  Trying to get him to follow through when, for whatever reason, he isn't going to, is a losing battle and leads to resentment on both sides (and I believe you've said elsewhere that he is a good father and husband -- that's rare enough in this world that you don't want to lose that).  It's trite but true that you can only change what YOU do and leave the rest to G-d.


    Quoting KrissyKC:

    Thank you for your advice.   I do appreciate it, and I recognize that you've had a long marriage and experience.

    No, I'm not trying to "put" everything on him.   However, what do you do when BOTH people talk about what they want for the family, but then only one works TOWARD those goals.  The other one talks a good game, and then sits on his hands and waits for you to do it all for him.   

    I appreciate the flylady suggestion, however, I doubt she has anything in there about motivating your husband to do what he says he wants to do but won't actually do.

     

    Quoting JKronrod:

    Honey, I know part of what you are saying is coming from your belief system, which I respect although it's not the way my marriage is structured (and in the interests of full disclosure, I'm Jewish, not Christian, and my husband and I, who have been married now for almost 27 years, view ourselves more as a co-equal partnership), and I know that this is not your intent, but it seems to me that there is a danger that you are putting a huge burden on your husband that could really lead to problems between the two of you.  If you say to him what you are saying in this post, it could very easily be interpreted as "It's your fault that the kids aren't doing what they are supposed to," which will likely lead to a defensive stance from him -- "No, I'm working all day; it's YOUR fault that the kids aren't doing  what they are supposed to" (whether he says it out loud or not),  which will potentially cause your relationship to spiral down from there.  You need to be looking for ways to support each other and to give each other the ability to do things better that you would have if on your own.  Pointing out faults may not help, especially for this type of problem where there is likely no single origin of the problem (at least not one that everyone involved would accept).  I think, perhaps, you need to view this as a FAMILY problem.  I'm sure that you can think of areas where you aren't following through.  You could approach this as, "Honey, the kids aren't following through, and I think that in part it's because they perceive us as not following through.  Do you think that may be a possibility?"  He may actually have a different perspective on what the problem is and some ideas that might actually help.  But if he does agree, you might be able to leverage this into commitments by the entire family to take small steps toward doing certain things -- perhaps with agreed upon rewards for all of you as a family for accomplishments both major and minor.  The important thing is to turn the direction around and look for small successes that could then be built upon.  If it's making sure that everyone comes to the breakfast table with hair brushed start there.  Don't try to do everything at once.  I also recommend Flylady.com if you aren't already using it.  I don't follow her completely, but her attitude can be very helpful in getting things back on track.  Good luck!    

     

     


     

  • KathrynG
    October 10, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    Krissy,

    I hear you and my heart goes out to you. Homeschooling is hard enough with out all these distractions. I've been doing it off in one form or another for about 6 years. And I won't lie, it is the #1 hardest thing I've ever done.

    All my ideas may or may not work. Take the ones that work and discard the rest.

    The first thing I would do (and I did already a few years ago is to take the time to sit down with your sweetheart and write a list of the reasons why you are homeschooling, and goals of what you want to accomplish. This does two things. 1. It puts you and your husband on the same page, and 2.  On the days when things are really hard get out the list and share it together again and discuss how to fix the problems .

    You are right. For this to work he has to really believe in it and help you with it. He has to be a part of it. To me it sounds like he wants you to homeschool the kids, but he isn't really invested in it.  If somehow he could help him take some responsibility for  school that would relieve a big part of the problem. What if he took a subject to teach them even on his days working. Or if the kids reported to him when he got home as to what they had learned during the day. My opinion is that the more he is involved in your school the more successful and easier it will be for everybody. Also it will teach the children that Dad loves to learn too and once again they will follow his lead. 

    Another opinion I have (as you can see I'm very opinionated) is that school goes far beyond just school work. On his days off while you are doing scholastic work with and giving extra needed attention to one of the other children, suggest that he teach life skills such as mowing the lawn, fixing the car or even, (dare I say it) cleaning the house, or anything else that needs to be done. Even if your children are very young, they can learn and help. Make daily lists of everything that needs to be done each day together (maybe the night before so it isn't a surprise and is agreed upon together)

    It will take such a load of of you, the earlier the children learn these skills. My sons were mowing lawns for others to earn extra money and doing a good job of by the age of 12,  and my girls were babysitting early.

    For our family, rewards work really well  when kids are doing the right thing. They don't even have to be anything expensive. Special time with Dad or Mom doing something fun or going out for ice cream one on one for the child who got all their work done without reminders, especially when they have distractions. Find them doing something good and then make a really big deal out of it at dinner or when everyone is there. Such as"do you know what so and so did today they got up all by themselves with no reminders and started school. Isn't that amazing. I think that deserves ______, don't you?"

    Good luck. I hope some of the suggestions given to you by everyone helps to solve your problems.  

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