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TJandKarasMom
The cat is out of the bag...a little OT
July 31, 2013 at 7:46 PM

I finally told my MIL that we will be hsing this year.  I accompanied it with the new job, almost double pay per hour, more flexibility, and how excited the kids are.

She "respectfully disagrees."  While I appreciate her saying so, and keeping her opinion to herself for the most part, I am sad.  I wished that she had overheard us and had had time to think about why we would make this decision and to trust that we didn't make it lightly.  I had hoped she would understand that this will really be best for both kids.

We live with her, if we did not I probably would have just let her find out on her own through the grapevine, but since we live with her I felt it was respectful and the right thing to do to inform her of our plans. 

Her biggest concerns seem to be a)me and DD fighting, we do fight, but I feel that when we can spend all our good time together, we can form a closer relationship.  We will always fight, she will always be a girl and I will always feel that I am the parent (until she is an adult, then I think I will losen up).  I feel like we will have a lot more time together to spend happily, not fighting.  But there will still be times when the 10yo talks back or pushes buttons.  MIL had 3 boys and I think she just doesn't get the dynamic between mom and daughter...it doesn't help that she is not biologically mine, she is my DHs.  But her mother is not present or involved and so I am her mom.  My MIL did not like DDs biomom, but she also always thought kids should be with their moms and didn't approve of my DH having custody.  She even wanted to know what biomom was saying about hsing, we haven't told her yet and DH doesn't have to ask her, he just has to inform her.

And b)DH and I paying off our student loans so we can buy a house.  Basically what that comes down to is, either less loans or more income and we will be approved for a mortgage, with my new job-depending on the hours-it is possible I will be bringing home more money.  Our loans are basically in limbo right now while our income is lower, the pmts are $0.  Since DH and I both just started new jobs (I haven't even started yet) we have to wait a little bit to get a mortgage.  It has been a catch 22 for the past 7 years.  We are always *this* close.

I appreciate my MIL, I love that even though she is not for us hsing, she decided to ask some questions and then respectfully disagree.  But I am really quite sad that she can't see why we think this is best.  I just let my hopes get too high that she would approve, I guess. 

Sorry this was so long and OT, my DH is sleeping and I needed to talk it out.  I really might just cry.

Replies

  • unsuspected
    July 31, 2013 at 7:56 PM
    You can't please everyone. You can do what you know is right for your kids. MIL approval is hard to come by (from my experience) at least she handled it calmly and reSpectfully.
  • TJandKarasMom
    July 31, 2013 at 8:09 PM

    I am a little worried for DH, she is not nearly as respectful to him.  He was against me telling her at all, said she would figure it out on her own.  And now I see why, he is pretty much always right.  I'm anxious for what she will say to him and how she will make him feel about it. 


    Quoting unsuspected:

    You can't please everyone. You can do what you know is right for your kids. MIL approval is hard to come by (from my experience) at least she handled it calmly and reSpectfully.



  • gratefulgal
    July 31, 2013 at 8:24 PM

    Oh, honey. You will be fine. I second that MIL approval is tough. You are doing the very best thing for your child, and I have noticed that that generation has a very bad opinion of HSing than ours. They alse seem to think that PS an almighty god to be worshipped at the cost of your very soul. Can you tell I have a MIL, too? lol. With this kind of person, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. You will show her it is the best way by the way that your daughter suceeds. Just don't get caught up on "showing her" (like I did) and end up driving yourself insane. They just don't accept it until they choose to (if ever). I really feel for you, having to live with her and all. What is your new job?

    Glad you came to us to talk it out! :) We love listening!

    Amanda

  • TJandKarasMom
    July 31, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    Thank you so much.  I just needed a little support.  I really sometimes think that she thinks I have such ill intentions as a parent, when really all I have ever done is what I think is best for my DS and my DHs DD.

    I secretly started thinking of ways to reduce the fighting immediately, lol.  But honestly, this summer hasn't been nearly as bad as years past, yes we still fight, but having less stress and being home together has been great.  DD was at camp for a few weeks all day each day, and that was tiring and stressful, but it's just better for us when we just have more down time.  Hopefully she will see that naturally.

    My new job is working with kids with Autism, which seems to be what I am good at, no matter how much I tried to pretend I wasn't. It will be direct therapy with kids one on one in their homes, the office, or at school.  I did something similar 5 years ago and then I worked in the school district for the past 5 years as a one on one for kids on the Spectrum.  It apparently really is my 'calling' and I have realized it is best to just embrace it ;)  I really do love working with these kids.  So I am pretty excited about the new adventures, but I am really anxious too.  I go from being super happy, to crying, to thinking I'm going to throw up, back to happy and relaxed again.  It's a rollercoaster right now...maybe I should have waited to tell MIL until I got off the first ride...


    Quoting gratefulgal:

    Oh, honey. You will be fine. I second that MIL approval is tough. You are doing the very best thing for your child, and I have noticed that that generation has a very bad opinion of HSing than ours. They alse seem to think that PS an almighty god to be worshipped at the cost of your very soul. Can you tell I have a MIL, too? lol. With this kind of person, the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. You will show her it is the best way by the way that your daughter suceeds. Just don't get caught up on "showing her" (like I did) and end up driving yourself insane. They just don't accept it until they choose to (if ever). I really feel for you, having to live with her and all. What is your new job?

    Glad you came to us to talk it out! :) We love listening!

    Amanda



  • Knightquester
    July 31, 2013 at 9:02 PM

    You know the best thing to do for those that are like that but are close to you and you can't distance yourself with them, is to prove yourself right over time through your actions.  My in-laws weren't thrilled and didn't think homeschooling was a good idea for my kids.

    My mother in-law came to visit and stay with us for a short time about four years back and she had a taste of our regular school day.  Since then my in-laws have been my biggest advocate, even bragging to friends and family about my children and how well they are being taught.

    I never argued or tried to sway my in-laws, but I think over time they have been able to see my side without a word said from me.  Hopefully over time your mother in-law will also see your viewpoint..  If not then at the least she was polite enough to disagree without shoving her views and opinions down your throat.

  • lucsch
    by lucsch
    July 31, 2013 at 11:42 PM

    My mom and dad were not my best homeschooling fans until they saw the results. Now, they brag about it to everyone. Homeschooling is an odd thing to many people. It takes some getting used to. Even when I first started, it seemed strange to me. Now, I don't give it a second thought. It is just what we do. Give MIL some time to adapt and accept it. Just because she "respectfully disagrees" now, as a first reaction,  doesn't mean she will always feel that way.

  • TJandKarasMom
    August 1, 2013 at 7:26 AM

    I keep trying to remind myself how I felt about it at first.  My DSs biodad asked me last year to let his wife HS DS, since I also have SD to think about and DS does not have a close relationship with his stepmom and he was loving school, my immediate reaction was no..I had considered it over the past few years, but not seriously until last spring-ish.  Over time, the idea just became so normal to me.

    I had expected a negative reaction from my parents, and I didn't get it.  My mom was all about it and recently told me how impressed she is that I have the kids so excited about it, she bought them some curriculum for their birthdays that they are really excited about.  It was quite a surprise to me how accepting she was of the idea...I guess I had hoped my MIL would surprise me too.  But maybe she will over time, it does take some getting used to.  And since MIL lives with us, hopefully she can see the bonuses soon.


    Quoting lucsch:

    My mom and dad were not my best homeschooling fans until they saw the results. Now, they brag about it to everyone. Homeschooling is an odd thing to many people. It takes some getting used to. Even when I first started, it seemed strange to me. Now, I don't give it a second thought. It is just what we do. Give MIL some time to adapt and accept it. Just because she "respectfully disagrees" now, as a first reaction,  doesn't mean she will always feel that way.



  • Boobah
    by Boobah
    August 1, 2013 at 8:31 AM
    My mil wasn't for it in the beginning either. It didn't really matter to me who was or wasn't. Lol. But now she can see how great it is. She always tells me how well behaved and smart my kids are. She has 9 other grand children, all public schooled, all hellions.
  • oredeb
    by oredeb
    August 1, 2013 at 9:53 AM

     awwwww, i bet she'll come around eventually, shes sounds like a good mom in law, its new to her, and when somethings new its harder to except, but maybe as time goes by she will see how its going.

    stick to your guns, go through with what you and dh have decided, you both know whats best for the kids.

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