Homeschooling Moms

Precious333
started to panic
July 5, 2013 at 11:53 AM
My oldest will be in secons grade next year. DH is against homeschooling still. I really feel like there is no convincing him, no matter how much our kids are learning, and how well behaved they are. We went to my nephews bday party and many of the kids there were just aweful! Two kids started picking on our son, dh didnt interfer and just watched, and our son handled it ok said DH.

Anyways, dh got a settlement from his motorcycle accident, which means we can pay off some debt, hopefully get him a car and possibly move. The deal was that unless we move to a better school district the kids will be homeschooled. So, now he wants to start looking in those areas! I started to.panic, almost started.crying and started to get so angry about it. We need to.move.to a bigger place, but I'd rather stay in our tiny place and homeschool than move and put the kids in.school. Also, i have three.kids and another on the way, i would really like a chance to homeschool each of them! Homeschooling really is where my heart is!!!

Replies

  • AutymsMommy
    July 7, 2013 at 1:13 PM

    ... but he did compromise. He allowed homeschooling until you all moved to a district of your choosing. Correct?

    I say this gently. Please, please don't take this the wrong way.

    ... but isn't it also "all or nothing" to say "I'm homeschooling, period, no if, ands, or buts".


    Quoting Precious333:

    I never threw a fit over homeschooling. Dh has thrown a fit over homeschooling. I am open to compromising, DH has always been all or nothing. I did however set my foot down and say that there are.certain school districts i will not enroll the kids in.


    Quoting AutymsMommy:


    I guess I'm a bit confused. What exactly makes him an abuser in this situation? That he is insisting, as readily as the OP is, that the children attend a school of his choosing? That he cries and throws a fit over it - as the OP admitted SHE had cried and been visibly upset about it?



    Quoting tuffymama:

    Listen, I've been there. An abuser is seductive. They have us by the short and curlies so long as we love them, especially if we have kids with them. If he isn't hitting you, abusing drugs or alcohol, or hurting the kids IN ANY WAY, you don't have to leave. But it is your responsibility to show your kids how to make a relationship happy and healthy if you don't leave. You do it and do it and do it until it works or it doesn't. If he won't go with you to a good counselor, go alone. Work on you AND make a feasible contingency plan while you have the opportunity to do it, and the best case scenario is that you don't need that contingency plan for going on without him, and he commits to being a participant in your marriage and as a father. I know how hard it is to even admit to yourself in quiet, dark moments that he is actually abusing you. Would you allow one of your kids to throw fits and make threats to force you to give you what they want, especially when you know it isn't for the best? Probably not. Don't let him do this. Someone needing his level of control means he isn't happy, either, but you and the kids are not his chattel just because he can't get his own head together. You can do right with him or without him. Trust me. I've lived poor and happy and I've lived wealthy and suicidal. Money isn't worth the paper it is printed on and "protection" is a state of mind.







  • tuffymama
    July 7, 2013 at 2:19 PM
    Seriously. The man left. He said he came back because she submitted. Characterizing her as a fitful child when she has a history of being subjugated by this man is inappropriate. He is the one who divvies out ultimatums and exerts control through threats. "I could never stay with you if you molested the kids," is not what he is saying. He had kids with this woman. Now he is saying, "YOU will parent MY way, or I'm outta here." She confesses to anxiety, worry, and upset over him denying her the right to educate her children at home. If the government did that, would we not be upset? Just because it is someone she cares for and has had sex with doesn't mean it is any more right for him to jerk her around about hkmescholing. Besides, I am quite sure she agreed to his conditions regarding schooling the kids because she was desperate to reunite her family. That's a typical reaction under duress when a man has bullied and manipulated a woman. Insinuating that she's made her bed and now must lie in it is the equivalent of victim blaming and shaming.
  • tuffymama
    July 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM
    Even if she fully intended to put the kids in school at a certain point, she is allowed as their mother to make a different decision for their education. We take in more experience and knowledge, and reassess, and change our minds. Otherwise, many of us would be stuck being what we wanted to be when we were five years old, happy or not. HIS rigidity is part of his controlling nature and he has a history of pushing her around psychologically. Just because some of us would not countenance this behavior does not mean it does not happen and has not happened.
  • AutymsMommy
    July 7, 2013 at 2:44 PM


    I'm sorry. I cannot get on board with the resounding overall feeling of this board that mothers have the ultimate authority over their children, never mind what their father wants or feels is best.

    It sounds to me, that in this situation specifically, they compromised.

    Why is he abusive if he leaves over this, which he believes is best, but it's perfectly acceptable for her to leave HIM over this, or to believe he's abusive?

    Quoting tuffymama:

    Even if she fully intended to put the kids in school at a certain point, she is allowed as their mother to make a different decision for their education. We take in more experience and knowledge, and reassess, and change our minds. Otherwise, many of us would be stuck being what we wanted to be when we were five years old, happy or not. HIS rigidity is part of his controlling nature and he has a history of pushing her around psychologically. Just because some of us would not countenance this behavior does not mean it does not happen and has not happened.



  • tuffymama
    July 7, 2013 at 2:57 PM
    She shouldn't leave him over this. She should have left or fixed it when he started his bullying crap. Did she recognize it for what it is? Probably not, because she said as much on this thread. He isn't abusive for leaving over this. He is abusive so he threatens to leave over this. And mothers have primary interest in the care and rearing of their kids because that is how it is biologically. If it was equal biologically, we would have the muscle structure of men to do the heavy lifting, and men would give birth as often as women do. It is a fact that biology will never fit the feminist ideal. Sorry. Some truth is hard to take.
  • AutymsMommy
    July 7, 2013 at 3:00 PM


    It isn't a hard to take truth - I simply disagree that men shouldn't have equal say in child rearing. My husband loves his children every bit as much as I do.

    And I think that's where I'll cut the convo on my end, because it's going to lead completely off topic.

    Quoting tuffymama:

    She shouldn't leave him over this. She should have left or fixed it when he started his bullying crap. Did she recognize it for what it is? Probably not, because she said as much on this thread. He isn't abusive for leaving over this. He is abusive so he threatens to leave over this. And mothers have primary interest in the care and rearing of their kids because that is how it is biologically. If it was equal biologically, we would have the muscle structure of men to do the heavy lifting, and men would give birth as often as women do. It is a fact that biology will never fit the feminist ideal. Sorry. Some truth is hard to take.



  • mem82
    by mem82
    July 7, 2013 at 3:37 PM
    How about moving close to a nice charter school?
  • Precious333
    July 7, 2013 at 5:01 PM
    Well, its obvious we need counseling over this. I actually talkes to our pastor privately and he agreed that we need to talk and come up with good and fair solution rather than me living jn fear on when they will have to be put in school and the details and that i shouldnt be manipulated like that either. I do believe that when it comes to schooling it needs to be a joint decision, however its hard to do so when the other person says "end of discussion". I have had two years of homeschooling one child that is of school age. What about my other children? There are so many things to bring up, and really I have to be honest here, but Im tired of him saying that subject is closed to discussion.

    As far as divorce, unless i or my children are being harmed than thats not going to happen.

    Quoting AutymsMommy:It isn't a hard to take truth - I simply disagree that men shouldn't have equal say in child rearing. My husband loves his children every bit as much as I do.And I think that's where I'll cut the convo on my end, because it's going to lead completely off topic.
    Quoting tuffymama:She shouldn't leave him over this. She should have left or fixed it when he started his bullying crap. Did she recognize it for what it is? Probably not, because she said as much on this thread. He isn't abusive for leaving over this. He is abusive so he threatens to leave over this. And mothers have primary interest in the care and rearing of their kids because that is how it is biologically. If it was equal biologically, we would have the muscle structure of men to do the heavy lifting, and men would give birth as often as women do. It is a fact that biology will never fit the feminist ideal. Sorry. Some truth is hard to take.

  • tuffymama
    July 7, 2013 at 11:42 PM
    I feel for you, OP, because this is the real life blood and guts stuff that you sometimes have to break down to the bone in a marriage, in order to build it back up. If it wasn't homeschooling, what would be the pivotal issue in your marriage, regarding the kids or just your relationship? DH and I have a fantastic relationship, but we have our bumpy days, and we've had some simply terrible times in the past, before we came to a mature understanding, when I wanted to either kill him or just go to sleep for years to get away from it. You can work through this and still homeschool your kids, and still strengthen your marriage. I will advise you to maintain a decent life insurance policy on your DH, though. Control freaks tend to blow fuses and gaskets.
  • Precious333
    July 8, 2013 at 11:45 AM
    Thank you for sharing your story! Our marriage definitely doesnt sound like that, but certain.areas that we do need to work out that he seemed to have closed the doors on.
    Here is where we are now.

    I am still a Christain and he is still athiest. I take the kids to church and teach them the bible, he asked me to stop, i refused,.he was angry about it at first but since has calmed.down. He also has conversations on his personal beliefs so the two oldest are very aware that daddy doesnt believe God exists.

    As of now we are still in a smal place, our debt is almost paid off except my students loans. I do work as a photographer, which gets me a few things.here and there. I teach piano as well and a photography class (which is on hold until january). I also am the director of our homeschooling campus for next year which gives me a percentage of the year's tuition. I also am a representative of juice plus.

    Dh is working one job and just was promoted as manager.

    I see our financial.situation as temporary, my main focus is to get out of debt and not spend where we dont need it. Dh is too, but he likeds "stuff" too.

    For kids, i really would like more kids, but obviously not against his wishes, i just think.a perminant solution is not the answer and actually has so many consquences that can happen from a vasectomy (or other), the problem is we did get pregnant again using condoms!

    Anyways, thats kind of where we are now. As far as other marital stuff, after kind.of.processing stuff i still think counseling may be helpful for me atleast. We have a lot of wounds from our marriage.


    Quoting celticdragon77:

    I took some time and read previous posts of yours (that people on here keep referring to), so that I could better understand this situation, (I don't know how much things have changed since you wrote them).

    You are religious - your husband isnt. You both seem fundamentally different in who you are and how you desire to live life, raise kids, etc. Your marriage has been on the rocks for MANY years - to the point that you both separated for awhile. Your husband only wanted 2 kids - you wanted a large family and have 4 kids now (no one is "fixed" yet). Your husband works 2 ft jobs, you are in debt, on wic, have 6 people living in a 1br house, and struggle to make ends meet - he asked you to get a ft job, but have not done so. Granted, unless you have family to babysit or can find a cheap babysitter... I don't know how you would be able to work ft. Maybe, you could babysit - though that can be stressful and make homeschooling difficult.

    With how things are financially, how will you all be able to afford homeschooling? 

    I can MOST DEFINITELY understand his concerns! He is probably so stressed out and unhappy with his life. It sounds like a growing resentment towards you is forming - and might transfer towards the kids.

    Honestly, it strikes me that you appear to be so focused on the homeschooling while the rest of your life is barely hanging on. Your childrens education is not the only important part to your familys success and well being. 

    What happens IF he does ever leave??? Where would you go, what would happen to your kids...???

    I am not a person with sympathy for controlling bullshit from men. They are NOT freaking stupid and they know exactly what they are doing.  

    I HATE spilling personal business online, but I feel the need to say this to you. Maybe it can help. I might later delete it because I am not comfortable with it just sitting online for all to see. 

    My exhusband had been a close friend since elementary school. We hung out and rode dirt bikes, were both into muscles cars, etc. We dated from the time I was 21 till I was 25 (off and on). At 25yrs of age, I got married. I had a child from a previous relationship and he willingly stepped up as a father figure - and was amazing about it. When we got married, he lived at his moms and I had an apartment in the next town over. I LOVED where I lived (the town and the apartment). It was never discussed but I assumed that he would move in with me. He was there a lot and he never said anything to the contrary. He had never complained about the commute to work (about a 20min drive).

    On the day of our wedding and even days leading up to it, I could see that something was amiss with him. He had always been a quiet man, laid back, easy going, sweet... I tried not to let that he seemed "distant" bother me too much. Every time I asked him... he assured me that he was fine. Right after we got married (within a few days), he told me that he had talked to my landlord, got me out of the lease and was having his mom pick out an apartment near her. I was FURIOUS!!! I was adament that I would NOT move. He didn't say it like an ass - but it was a punk ass thing to do. He tried to reason with me that it was what made the most sense. His job paid WAY more, he wanted to raise kids in his hometown (not like I was far from it), we would be close to his parents... I ended up giving in.

    Soon after, I found out that I was pregnant. After giving birth, he insisted that I would NOT be returning back to work. I didn't like the idea. His mom had a long talk to me about it. He had several conversations with me about it. I decided to try it out. I could always go return to work at a later time.

    I asked him to get "fixed", because it was easier for him to do it. But he wanted another kid. I did not. I already had two kids. But now suddenly, he was saying the oldest wasnt his (he wanted two kids of his own). I went and got put on birth control -  soon after, he made an appt to get "fixed". Except, he never went to the appt and didn't tell me. I ended up pregnant!

    The marriage had some serious issues and I do NOT like feeling caged or controlled. I had grown up in foster care. I was realizing that I didn't know what a family was. I mean, I get emotional at holidays because of my childhood memories - I do not celebrate them. Yet, here I was expected to suddenly put up a Christmas tree and "get into the season" of things. Just little things, were hard for me because I didn't grow up in a typical family. I didn't know and/or couldn't be "typical". 

    His mom had been a stay at home mom and was fantastic at it. She cans her own foods, makes homemade bread, etc. She was like above and beyond the 50's stereotypical type woman. I tried to be like her, but it never was good enough for her or him. She would tell me that I needed to stop making meals that I liked - and only make her recipes that he had grown up eating. - umm, NO! 

    I begged him to let me get a job because I was becoming so overwhelmed and depressed. He refused. I had no car - he had sold my car soon after we got married (saying he was going to buy me a better one). I had no money. I had no control over my life at all!!! I had no family and was now isolated away without friends. He said we didn't need friends - though he would at times go play pool with coworkers, after work. His mom treated me terribly and he would drag her into various matters - and of course she took his side on everything!

    I homeschooled and he was VERY supportive of it.

    I was growing depressed. and even angry. Then one day I had this breakdown. It was like I could see the truth and couldn't deny it. I went and immediately enrolled my kids into public school and took a bus to a local temp agency. I worked for a bit and saved up just enough to buy a car. He was NOT happy and I saw a totally different side to him. He had always been in control. He was always laid back and okay. It had always been me that was unhappy and depressed. So it had been easy for me to think all the problems in my marriage were with me (overlooking WHY I was so unhappy). Stupid, I know. But anyways, he started getting really angry and started to play real dirty. His true colors were out on the table - and it was ugly!

    Perfect timing... My dad in Texas ended up needing help. I decided to go out there and help him (he was having his leg amputated, his wife was dieing of brain cancer and he owned his own business). I figured time away from the marriage would help. The kids ended up (later on) coming out there with me. After a LONG time - over a year, I came back to Pennsylvania. I thought maybe the marriage could work out. I had made good money in the meantime and saved it up. So when I got to Pa, I bought my own place, a new car, paid off all my medical debts (from an accident), bought furniture, and just set up my life here comfortablly - and independently. He came around for awhile - but he didn't like the "changes". He would say that if we fixed the marriage, things would have to be like... xyz... it was all on his terms. I would need to get rid of the house and get one that was "ours" and it just didn't make sense really. I ended up telling him to "FUCK OFF!" and excuse my language, but there is a point where you need to just find every bit of strength and grit in you and put someone in their place. Let them know that you are no longer that person that they were able to control. 

    Control is a funny thing. It doesn't always look obvious. It is a game - a sneaky one. Some guys are actually quite good at figuring out women and playing them!!

    I now work a ft job, homeschool my kids, and take of myself just fine on my own! I wouldn't trade my independence in for the world. I will likely never get married again. I want to just heal (I have had a VERY hard life), I want to focus on myself + kids, and my kids do not need some stranger here to play daddy. But that is just me and how I feel about things.

    I won't lie, my kids are set back academically because they went to public school for three years. However, look at where we are now. I am happy, independent, my life is better now than it was, we are back to homeschooling... I can not express enough how good it felt to work hard and overcome various odds in my life. To find my strength. I am like you. I can be very gentle in nature. But I have lived a hard life and I also have a lot of grit! I will always get back up and fight.

    I don't know that anyone can or should tell you what to do in your specific situation. That has come from your own personal truths and evaluations of the realities around you. You have to live the consquences. No matter what you decide, you need to have that grit driving you from the core of your being. 


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