Homeschooling Moms

usmom3
How we Gave up Most all Rules! (Spin Off of the Radical Unschooling Post)
by usmom3
BJ
May 8, 2013 at 4:07 PM

So a few Moms wanted me to elaborate more on how my family has done away with most all rules. I will start by adding the link to that conversation for any one that reads this & wants to know the origins of it (LINK HERE) .

I stated in the post that I have found inspiration, support & guidance from Facebook groups as well as a parenting website I will list all of the ones that have helped me the most here.

The parenting site is called Aha! Parenting 

The Facebook groups are

Free your kids

Parent at the Helm (they also have a website)

The Living Free Project (they also have a website)

Formerly Unattached

MotherWise (they cover many different topics outside of the ones this post is about)

There are more & ironically if you go to any of the ones I posted & look in their likes you will find the others I have not posted (they all support & help each other out)

I also want to note here that I have been using a parenting book that has helped my hubby get on board it is called Positive Discipline A-Z

The rules we started dropping where the arbitrary rules that turned moll hills in to mountains. Those kind of rules are different for each family. For us one of those rules was eating in the living room, it was hypocritical of us to tell them they could not eat in there yet we did it & we would spill & have messes just the same as they would so it seemed wrong to tell them no & yet do it ourselves.

Another thing we stopped enforcing was sharing (making kids share actually makes them more selfish). We now encourage negotiations. Just last night my 7y/o DS & 9y/o DD had to negotiate over toys. She wanted to play with his pirate ship & he wanted to play with her Monster High dolls, so I helped mediate the terms of the negotiation & I had both party's agree on the terms before leaving the room. The end result was an evening of playing with no fighting at all & by the end they where playing together with the pirate ship & Littlest Pet Shops.

Even when we have a "rule" that has to stay in place I do try to be flexible with it. The biggest one is bedtime, we have to have this one in place because my husband has to get a good nights sleep for work (he has a job that can be dangerous & lack of sleep makes it more so). Our house is small, the bedrooms are all on the same end & all sounds carry through the walls & floors no matter how quit you try to be. So the way we handle bedtime is they can stay up playing quietly with puzzles or coloring/drawing while I read out loud as long as they can stay quieter then me reading. If they get to loud they get a gentle reminder to turn down their volume & that if they get loud again I will invoke the agreement clause & of coarse if it happens again I then invoke the agreement clause (They agreed to get in to bed when this happens & lay down to sleep with out a protest).

We are still very much learning how to do this as we go along. One of the biggest steps for us has been getting past our own childhoods & leaning to parent in a completely different way then we where. What we are doing is essentially trying to rewire our brains, so for those of you interested in doing something similar the younger your children are the easier it will be for you, compared to us who are also having to rewire our children brains from the way we used to do things. 

You are all more then welcomed to ask me questions & I will do my best to answer them to the best of my ability.  

 

 

Replies

  • Kat0038
    by Kat0038
    May 8, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

  • Jinx-Troublex3
    May 8, 2013 at 4:37 PM

    Take it away from him and give it to her @@ Really? It's NOT his. End of story.

    The boy would get  a penalty of losing HIS favorite item for a few hours.


    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 



  • HopeJoyPeace1
    May 8, 2013 at 4:48 PM

    My answer to that would be take the toy away from both.. 

    If they can't play nice or share.. they both lose it for the day!


    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 



  • usmom3
    by usmom3
    BJ
    May 8, 2013 at 4:58 PM

     

    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

     We have actually had that happen not that long ago. When it happens the offender is reminded that the toy is not there property & that they have no right to it. We also pose the scenery of "What if this was done to you?" "How would that make you feel?" "How do you think your brother/sister feels right now that you have taken their property?" This all usually leads up to the offender feeling empathy for their sibling & gladly offering the item back with an honest apology that was not forced by us (we are trying not to force apologies either because a forced one is not sincere & has no meaning).

  • Kat0038
    by Kat0038
    May 8, 2013 at 5:07 PM

    Your right a forced apology is not sincere. So otherwise you try to put the offender into the shoes of the offended? 

    Quoting usmom3:

     

    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

     We have actually had that happen not that long ago. When it happens the offender is reminded that the toy is not there property & that they have no right to it. We also pose the scenery of "What if this was done to you?" "How would that make you feel?" "How do you think your brother/sister feels right now that you have taken their property?" This all usually leads up to the offender feeling empathy for their sibling & gladly offering the item back with an honest apology that was not forced by us (we are trying not to force apologies either because a forced one is not sincere & has no meaning).


  • usmom3
    by usmom3
    BJ
    May 8, 2013 at 5:37 PM

     Yes, now my children are a little older then yours but my 7y/o has Autism & his maturity is about that of a 3 to 4 y/o so if he can do this so can your children. You might have to sit there a long time asking the questions & even giving the answer by way of guiding them in the right direction. Here is the scenario

    Mom: "How would you feel if Sister had taken your (insert favorite thing here)?"

    Son: Holding on to toy & refusing to let it go & not answering the question.

    Mom: "Do you think you would feel upset & hurt that she did that to you?" " That's how sister feels right now!" Do you want sister to hurt & be upset?"

    At this point if he cares for his sister you should see the concern for her on his face. If it still dos not prompt him to give it back you will have to continue like that, talking & gently showing him how it isn't right.

    Forcing a child to give something by you taking it from them teaches them that because you are bigger you can take something against their will. Punishing him for taking it only teaches him to resent you & his sister, he isn't going to learn not to take others property he is going to learn not to get caught doing it!

    Quoting Kat0038:

    Your right a forced apology is not sincere. So otherwise you try to put the offender into the shoes of the offended? 

    Quoting usmom3:

     

    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

     We have actually had that happen not that long ago. When it happens the offender is reminded that the toy is not there property & that they have no right to it. We also pose the scenery of "What if this was done to you?" "How would that make you feel?" "How do you think your brother/sister feels right now that you have taken their property?" This all usually leads up to the offender feeling empathy for their sibling & gladly offering the item back with an honest apology that was not forced by us (we are trying not to force apologies either because a forced one is not sincere & has no meaning).


     

  • ceckyl
    by ceckyl
    May 8, 2013 at 5:43 PM
    Thank you so much for all the links!
  • usmom3
    by usmom3
    BJ
    May 8, 2013 at 5:46 PM

     Your welcome I hope you find them as helpful as I have!

    Quoting ceckyl:

    Thank you so much for all the links!

     

  • debramommyof4
    May 8, 2013 at 5:57 PM

     This is what I do.

    Quoting HopeJoyPeace1:

    My answer to that would be take the toy away from both.. 

    If they can't play nice or share.. they both lose it for the day!

     

    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

     

     

     

  • Kat0038
    by Kat0038
    May 8, 2013 at 6:17 PM

    Ok very helpful. I will definately get the book and check out the websites. Our issue is that we have highly sensitive children and the slightest bit of disciplinary action towards them sends them over the edge. Finally someone suggested that my son has sensory defensiveness. After doing research I started to think both of them do to some degree. Up unto this point we, husband and I, decided unschooling would be best method of teaching the kids, especially my son. That was when I stumbled upon www.livingjoyfully.com Ann Oham who unschooled her highly sensitive child. Anyway I will add your book and websites to my most needed to read list. Thank you

    Quoting usmom3:

     Yes, now my children are a little older then yours but my 7y/o has Autism & his maturity is about that of a 3 to 4 y/o so if he can do this so can your children. You might have to sit there a long time asking the questions & even giving the answer by way of guiding them in the right direction. Here is the scenario

    Mom: "How would you feel if Sister had taken your (insert favorite thing here)?"

    Son: Holding on to toy & refusing to let it go & not answering the question.

    Mom: "Do you think you would feel upset & hurt that she did that to you?" " That's how sister feels right now!" Do you want sister to hurt & be upset?"

    At this point if he cares for his sister you should see the concern for her on his face. If it still dos not prompt him to give it back you will have to continue like that, talking & gently showing him how it isn't right.

    Forcing a child to give something by you taking it from them teaches them that because you are bigger you can take something against their will. Punishing him for taking it only teaches him to resent you & his sister, he isn't going to learn not to take others property he is going to learn not to get caught doing it!

    Quoting Kat0038:

    Your right a forced apology is not sincere. So otherwise you try to put the offender into the shoes of the offended? 

    Quoting usmom3:

     

    Quoting Kat0038:

    How do you handle when two kids want to play with the same toy. Here is last nights scenario: my daughter has a favorite teddy bear (I know very cliche, but she does). My four year old son, knowing it is her favorite laid claim to it and wouldnt give it back. The louder my six year old screamed, the tighter my four year old hung on. 

     We have actually had that happen not that long ago. When it happens the offender is reminded that the toy is not there property & that they have no right to it. We also pose the scenery of "What if this was done to you?" "How would that make you feel?" "How do you think your brother/sister feels right now that you have taken their property?" This all usually leads up to the offender feeling empathy for their sibling & gladly offering the item back with an honest apology that was not forced by us (we are trying not to force apologies either because a forced one is not sincere & has no meaning).


     


Homeschooling Moms