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bluerooffarm
Why have kids?
June 28, 2012 at 9:05 AM

 I have very little free time or "me" time.  My time for "me" is the hour I spend at church board once a month, our Bible study at the church twice a month, and I take a half hour each day reading (when I sit in "my spot" the kids know not to come to me unless there is blood or flames).  So I really don't understand my old friends any more.  So many of them want "me" time each week in the form of a girls' night out.  I left my drinking days in college.  I have a husband and kids.  So do they!  Lately my friends and I have been drifting apart because I don't go out with them, but now that I'm homeschooling we are having big arguments.  When I post things on fb about what we are learning or what we've been doing, I often get some feedback that I don't even understand.  How they can't wait for summer to be over so the kids go back to school (for goodness sake, it's still June!).  About how they couldn't have Mom be their "only" identity.  About how crazy I am to give up "my life" for my kids.

Can anyone tell me why these people had kids to begin with?  Being Mom is a great accomplishment!  We have them for such a short time, why don't they want to make the most of it?  Will these girls also be the ones I hear with Grandchildren lamenting not having spent enough time with their kids when they had the chance?  I've been thinking of unfriending them at this point, but some are girls I graduated high school with!  We've been friends for 20+ years!  I'd really like to understand them.  I know I'll never agree with them (not even on the darkest and worst days do I get the idea of "only" being a Mom.)

Thoughts?

 

EDIT ***** 7/9/2012

Holy Hannah!! I'm so not reading all of these posts!

Had myself a wonderful vacation, unfriended them when I got back from Family Camp, and feel SOOOO much better now!

Yeah, they may realize they are wishing their children away one day, but they aren't going to have me to complain to until they do!

They do go out drinking every Friday, they are complaining that they wish their kids could go back to school already, they turn every post geared toward my children or their own into a negative b**** session. I don't need that, I like to think about my life as a positive, if they don't, who needs them?

Replies

  • tiredmomfor2
    June 28, 2012 at 9:37 AM
    I have had to put space between myself and my friends like that. I read a book on this recently it made some very valid points. I personally feel (not trying to start anything) is that it all falls back to feminism gone a stray. We have been taight at a young age to go out and be who we want to be but to also be moms. It is basically impossible to be both. So the moms then cling to the idealized version they saw on tv of the career woman out making a way for herself..and doing her thing. Plus society has tried to convince us stay at home moms that we need "me time" or time away. When yes it is important to take down time..but I think the 'me time' thing is total bunk. Just another thing that has been drilled into our head from day one.
    I used to fall into that 'me time' trap, I would be annoyed when I didn't get my time that day or week or whatever which I then took out on my kids. I was looking at them as a burden and not a blessing to enjoy. Which brings me to another point. Society has tried to convince us that children are a burden and not a blessing which is very sad. We are shaping the future generations here. That is a huge blessing.
    And yes I believe that they will be the grandma's complaining they didnt spend enough time with them and wondering where they went wrong.
    Also..if being a mom is my identity then I am darn proud of it! I already have friends whos kids are in so much trouble at 7 and 8 years of age. It is scary stuff.
    I know some moms who start complaining about summer break, christmas vacation and long weekends..heck they even complain about having their kids on the weekends! How sad is that. It physically makes my heart hurt to hear that. I used to ignore it, now I have started making quiet comments about it. Nicely saying that it makes me sad they aren't enjoying their summer with their kids or reminding them they will only be this young for a short time. They have replied in silence and rude comments. I gave up facebook a few months ago, so it's not that bad now.
    Oh and my 'me time' is thrity minutes on the elliptical trainer a couple times a week..and the occacional moment I find to sit on my porch swing alone. I used to resent it but then realized I was wishing my life and children away. I love spending time with them and watching them grow.
    (I hope I didnt sound pushing with my opinions. I just feel very strongly about these subjects.)
  • oredeb
    by oredeb
    June 28, 2012 at 9:52 AM

     awww yes that happens when people go in different directions in life, dont unfriend them, even if they dont agree or like what your doing they are your friends, just keep doing what your doing, i think eventually they will grow up and you'll be their to help them,

  • bluerooffarm
    June 28, 2012 at 9:57 AM

     

    Quoting tiredmomfor2:

    I have had to put space between myself and my friends like that. I read a book on this recently it made some very valid points. I personally feel (not trying to start anything) is that it all falls back to feminism gone a stray. We have been taight at a young age to go out and be who we want to be but to also be moms. It is basically impossible to be both. So the moms then cling to the idealized version they saw on tv of the career woman out making a way for herself..and doing her thing. Plus society has tried to convince us stay at home moms that we need "me time" or time away. When yes it is important to take down time..but I think the 'me time' thing is total bunk. Just another thing that has been drilled into our head from day one.
    I used to fall into that 'me time' trap, I would be annoyed when I didn't get my time that day or week or whatever which I then took out on my kids. I was looking at them as a burden and not a blessing to enjoy. Which brings me to another point. Society has tried to convince us that children are a burden and not a blessing which is very sad. We are shaping the future generations here. That is a huge blessing.
    And yes I believe that they will be the grandma's complaining they didnt spend enough time with them and wondering where they went wrong.
    Also..if being a mom is my identity then I am darn proud of it! I already have friends whos kids are in so much trouble at 7 and 8 years of age. It is scary stuff.
    I know some moms who start complaining about summer break, christmas vacation and long weekends..heck they even complain about having their kids on the weekends! How sad is that. It physically makes my heart hurt to hear that. I used to ignore it, now I have started making quiet comments about it. Nicely saying that it makes me sad they aren't enjoying their summer with their kids or reminding them they will only be this young for a short time. They have replied in silence and rude comments. I gave up facebook a few months ago, so it's not that bad now.
    Oh and my 'me time' is thrity minutes on the elliptical trainer a couple times a week..and the occacional moment I find to sit on my porch swing alone. I used to resent it but then realized I was wishing my life and children away. I love spending time with them and watching them grow.
    (I hope I didnt sound pushing with my opinions. I just feel very strongly about these subjects.)

     Not pushy at all!  I've been feeling as though I'm the only one who doesn't buy this "me time" crap and don't wish my kids away.

    I'm not idealizing the job, there are times that i want to scream, but that's very little!

  • bluerooffarm
    June 28, 2012 at 9:59 AM

     

    Quoting oredeb:

     awww yes that happens when people go in different directions in life, dont unfriend them, even if they dont agree or like what your doing they are your friends, just keep doing what your doing, i think eventually they will grow up and you'll be their to help them,

     I hope they grow before their kids are too much older.  I feel so bad for the kids in that situation.  They must feel a bit unwanted!

  • oredeb
    by oredeb
    June 28, 2012 at 10:12 AM

     oh yea i bet they do feel unwanted, but you'll be an example to the moms when they start to realize whats going on, 

    its like a cycle, their kids grow up that way , then the kids kids grow up that way, etc so sad , but its their choice also, they can change anytime if they really want to,

    Quoting bluerooffarm:

     

    Quoting oredeb:

     awww yes that happens when people go in different directions in life, dont unfriend them, even if they dont agree or like what your doing they are your friends, just keep doing what your doing, i think eventually they will grow up and you'll be their to help them,

     I hope they grow before their kids are too much older.  I feel so bad for the kids in that situation.  They must feel a bit unwanted!

     

  • mem82
    by mem82
    June 28, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    8( I try to go for a walk a few times a week to decompress. I think everyone needs a bit of time alone, but not hours of it. Sometimes, all I get for weeks on end is a quick trip to the grocery, just for milk. LOL

    Honestly, if there kids are in school all day, then they get tons of me time. LOL

    Maybe you could arrange to go out with them once a month, to a comedy club or movie, where you didn't have to talk? LOL Then, you could still remain friends but dodge some unpleasant opinions and stick to the stuff you do agree on.

  • tiredmomfor2
    June 28, 2012 at 1:47 PM
    Quoting bluerooffarm:



    Lol I agree it isn't the easiest job. I have hid in the bathroom with chocolate cake or taken an afternoon 'off'...meaning I am here but I will be watching netflix or something..with the kids nearby. Everyone needs a little down time somedays. :)
  • lil_mama06
    June 28, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    I have wondered why in the heck did I have 6...Then they will pick me some flowers or draw me something..Tell me they love me..I do have my me time now..My eldest is 20 (almost) and my youngest is 5..I didn't really enjoy the elder ones when they were young, which I do regret now..But I just make the most of the time I do have with them..

  • lil_mama06
    June 28, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    I have had whole days like that...I tell the older ones I have to have some down time and stay in my room for the day..Sarah my littlest doesn't  always understand so I do make allowances for her and val..Gives the elder ones insight of what I go through on a day to day basis too..

    Quoting tiredmomfor2:


    Quoting bluerooffarm:



    Lol I agree it isn't the easiest job. I have hid in the bathroom with chocolate cake or taken an afternoon 'off'...meaning I am here but I will be watching netflix or something..with the kids nearby. Everyone needs a little down time somedays. :)


  • littlelambe2
    June 28, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    I'll admit that I don't understand it either. This one hits close to home, too. My cousin and his wife had a terrible time getting pregnant, having to deal with numerous miscarriages. They finally had two healthy boys, 3 years apart after 8 years of trying. Now, all they do is drop them off at grandma's house for the weekends, spring break, weeks here and there in the summer, etc. And all the mom does is complain about how the kids get in the way of her life and her career. Makes my head spin. However, they were older when they had their kids, so perhaps some just get stuck in their "life" and feel entitled to the same life they had before they had kids? I don't know. We waited a while (5 years) before our first because I honestly thought I was way too selfish to be a mother. I'm glad I waited!

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