Please excuse me while I vent!
After 21 years of marriage, my ex had a doozy of a midlife crisis, complete with girlfriend half his age with big boobs. Ditched me and took up with her. We have joint custody of our kids but they live with me. It's been almost five years since our divorce. He is married to the girlfriend (our kids found out about it on Facebook) and has two toddlers. He rarely ever sees our children, about once every three months, even though he lives in the same town.
Our eldest is on her own with a baby of her own. Our 17 year old daughter is severely autistic and we have a 12 year old girl as well. Our autistic daughter is in a program during the summer that leaves her with two weeks off in June and two weeks off in August. He KNOWS this.
She has always enjoyed camping, with with me or her dad. So imagine how I felt when he texted me and asked what our youngest was doing during a certain week. I replied that she had appointments and school registration. When he asked if they could be rescheduled, I asked why. He said he wanted to take her camping with them. When I asked about our OTHER daughter who does NOT have school that week, his answer was that he thought our youngest "could use a break" from her sister!! I was livid! Our youngest not see her any more during the summer than the rest of the school year. The lie was just so pathetic!
I flatly told him that, NO, I cannot reschedule the appointments and that registration is one day only. I then told him that BOTH girls will be available for camping the following week. His reply was something along the lines of, "oh I guess I can't spend time with her then" and designed to make me feel guilty!
So, keeping in mind that I am EVER polite (mostly), what are your thoughts?
Im thinking your ex is a jerk. I feel badly for his daughterS. I think the exclusion was truly lousy.
Perhaps you could talk to the 12 yr old and ask her what shed like to do? Tell her that it would hurt your 17 yr old, but you nderstand that she may want to go with her dad.
I may also remind ex that he has 2 DDs.. And if one on one time is what he is looking for, then he could make plans with 12 yr old now... And 17 yr old one another time... But that he cant exclude. Thats simply rude, and hurtful and you wont allow that in your house as it breeds jealousy and resentment.
I'm so sorry...your ex is not being fair.Think of it this way it's his loss. I know where your coming from my sons dad hasn't seen or paid child support for our son in almost 3 yrs. In our situation I feel he's better off. We've created a new life without him & moved on. Even when his dad was involved he didn't get what autism meant. His dad used to say he was coming to see him & then not show up. I was wise to this so I wouldn't tell him unless he was on his way until he was actually sitting in the drive way. There was one time I told my son his dad was on his way it was x-mas of 2010 thinking he would never blow him off on x-mas. Well sure enough he did. Guess who had to break the news to my little boy staring out the window. You got it me. My son cried & screamed. It broke his little heart. After that the visits were few & far between . Then he just stopped coming. So I feel my son is just better off because who needs a dad that only shows up when it's covenant for him. I met a wonderful man that's good to both of us & so that's that :-)
What are my thoughts?
Sounds like there's a dang good reason the two of you are divorced. He doesn't think the way you do at all. And I prefer the way you think.
I also think the girls are better off not vacationing with him. What's he going to do with the younger girl anyway, spend the entire time telling her what a burden her autistic sister is, and how much he disliked her?
I do think he is a jerk.
But I was wondering as i read this, is it possible your 12 year old talked to her dad about needing a break from her sister?
I would talk to your 12 year old, (is she typical? or ASD as well) and see if she may be feeling overwhelmed and reached out to her dad.
If it was me...here's what I would tell him...
Look here's the deal...you want to spend time with each girl by themselves? Fine go to lunch, but you do this with BOTH girls. You want to go camping? You take both girls otherwise don't bother.
You can't have him playing favorites or leaving one out. Put your foot down, on this. I can understand him wanting to spend time with one daughter only. My dad did that with me and my sister (and neither of us have disabilities), but to go camping...that's an all or nothing thing. And even then he can't just take one girl out for lunch and not the other. I would tell him, look you can have lunch with youngest this day, then I should expect you...either this day or this day for our other daughter and I will expect you, because if not...then again its an all or nothing thing.
You can't play one over the other, I don't care if they have disabilities or not.
What do I think? I think your ex is a huge asshole and I'm glad he's not involved day to day in your daughters' lives. And, I hurt for your 17 year old! Just because she is on the spectrum does NOT mean she's not a person with feelings and needs just like her sister.