Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Kittie26
Would you be upset?
December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

My dad has decided he's most likely marrying this woman he just met in November in the Philippines. I am so upset. He knows I already have plans in Nov and no money to attend. It's like he's only thinking of himself. Aly and I are just tossed out the window. I'm so upset. Seriously. :(

Replies

  • kajira
    by kajira
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    I know you'd like to attend, but... is it totally wrong for your dad to do what makes him happy?

  • Kittie26
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    I don't blame HER at all. I only met her once, but she was very nice and super sweet. It is just so out of character for my dad to propose this quickly and then get married without his kids there. He's always been a family man, but when it comes down to it, I guess not. All of my blame is firmly on my father. He clearly doesn't understand how much this means to me and how he needs to be considering his whole family. Just because this is his second marriage, he should still have family there. 

    I know he's going to ask to come over tomorrow since it's a holiday, and I'm tempted to say no because I'm pissed about this.

    Quoting TheCrooners:

    Yes, I honestly would be very upset in your position. It's not the same but my brother married a woman impulsively. We had no other choice but to respect his rash decision in order to keep him in our lives. I treated her very well because I love my brother and it was the right thing to do. Several years later she cheated on him and they are a few signatures away from a divorce now. But the flip side to this story, and what I honestly hope for, is that she will be good for your father and vice versa. I truly hope your fears are unfounded but only time will tell. But my heart goes out to you because I know how much this hurts. :-(


  • kajira
    by kajira
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    you know... from a totally different perspective, I eloped. I didn't *want* to deal with family on a day that was supposed to be about me and my new spouse. I just wanted to relax and not have to worry about everyone else.

    Maybe that's how your dad feels, if he's always considering family and everyone else - maybe he just wants this to be about him with out having to worry about making others happy.


    Not, that your feelings aren't valid... I totally can understand telling your dad that your hurt by him eloping, but if you tell him that calmly, he might have a reason that makes sense to you and will help ease some of those hurt feelings.

    my husband was married before, did all the big wedding stuff, and it didn't work out in the long run... he eloped with me, and didn't even tell his parents about me until AFTER we'd been married for a while.... he just didn't want to deal with the stress of his family when he wanted to focus on his new marriage - because as much as family loves him, they also butt in and make it about themselves.

    So, from an outside perspective, I can maybe, see why your dad would have all sorts of valid reasonings in his head to maybe choose to do it that way.

    It doesn't invalidate your hurt feelings though.

    Quoting Kittie26:

    I don't blame HER at all. I only met her once, but she was very nice and super sweet. It is just so out of character for my dad to propose this quickly and then get married without his kids there. He's always been a family man, but when it comes down to it, I guess not. All of my blame is firmly on my father. He clearly doesn't understand how much this means to me and how he needs to be considering his whole family. Just because this is his second marriage, he should still have family there. 

    I know he's going to ask to come over tomorrow since it's a holiday, and I'm tempted to say no because I'm pissed about this.

    Quoting TheCrooners:

    Yes, I honestly would be very upset in your position. It's not the same but my brother married a woman impulsively. We had no other choice but to respect his rash decision in order to keep him in our lives. I treated her very well because I love my brother and it was the right thing to do. Several years later she cheated on him and they are a few signatures away from a divorce now. But the flip side to this story, and what I honestly hope for, is that she will be good for your father and vice versa. I truly hope your fears are unfounded but only time will tell. But my heart goes out to you because I know how much this hurts. :-(



  • mallowcup17
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM
    My family was not involved in my wedding at all because they tried to make it about them so we threw a small one w/o them because of it. Now that that has occurred they get it and no longer try to control my life...just where im coming from and can see Emma's view here too

    Quoting kajira:

    you know... from a totally different perspective, I eloped. I didn't *want* to deal with family on a day that was supposed to be about me and my new spouse. I just wanted to relax and not have to worry about everyone else.

    Maybe that's how your dad feels, if he's always considering family and everyone else - maybe he just wants this to be about him with out having to worry about making others happy.


    Not, that your feelings aren't valid... I totally can understand telling your dad that your hurt by him eloping, but if you tell him that calmly, he might have a reason that makes sense to you and will help ease some of those hurt feelings.

    my husband was married before, did all the big wedding stuff, and it didn't work out in the long run... he eloped with me, and didn't even tell his parents about me until AFTER we'd been married for a while.... he just didn't want to deal with the stress of his family when he wanted to focus on his new marriage - because as much as family loves him, they also butt in and make it about themselves.

    So, from an outside perspective, I can maybe, see why your dad would have all sorts of valid reasonings in his head to maybe choose to do it that way.

    It doesn't invalidate your hurt feelings though.

    Quoting Kittie26:

    I don't blame HER at all. I only met her once, but she was very nice and super sweet. It is just so out of character for my dad to propose this quickly and then get married without his kids there. He's always been a family man, but when it comes down to it, I guess not. All of my blame is firmly on my father. He clearly doesn't understand how much this means to me and how he needs to be considering his whole family. Just because this is his second marriage, he should still have family there. 

    I know he's going to ask to come over tomorrow since it's a holiday, and I'm tempted to say no because I'm pissed about this.

    Quoting TheCrooners:

    Yes, I honestly would be very upset in your position. It's not the same but my brother married a woman impulsively. We had no other choice but to respect his rash decision in order to keep him in our lives. I treated her very well because I love my brother and it was the right thing to do. Several years later she cheated on him and they are a few signatures away from a divorce now. But the flip side to this story, and what I honestly hope for, is that she will be good for your father and vice versa. I truly hope your fears are unfounded but only time will tell. But my heart goes out to you because I know how much this hurts. :-(



  • Blue231
    by Blue231
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM
    My sister got married secretly to her boyfriend who was being deployed. It was a last minute decision and she didn't want to tell family until his return so they could be together when everyone found out. In the back of my head I felt sad, because I didn't know for all that time. However, she never knew I felt hurt. I cried and cried with joy when she told me, because I was so happy for her. It makes me feel a little sad knowing all that year and a half I didn't know something so important to her. We are very close and I tell her everything. However, she is a more private person than I am and I try to remind myself she didn't want to exclude us to hurt our feelings. She just had her own ideas of how she wanted to handle this part of her life. Two years later, my sister and her husband did have a party to allow people to celebrate. This was very thrilling to me. I wish I could have been a Maid of honor in a wedding, but I embraced that party as if it was just as special, because to my sister it was and therefore to me it was.

    I know my situation is different than yours, but I feel like I understand your disappointment. Perhaps you could take your Father and his new wife out to a nice dinner to celebrate later on in a different special way. You could still enjoy picking out a present for them, mailing it, and feel included in that way. A wedding day is one day, but hopefully a marriage is filled with many days you can participate in.

    I'm sure you must be worried about your Father's impulsivity. Try to reflect on how wonderful it is that at least you know of his wedding date and can call to congratulate him and be aware it is happening. I would have enjoyed being included in that way with my sister, but was not. I try to focus on the happy part, that my sister is happy which is what matters the most to me. Yes it did hurt my feelings not to know, but if I had known it would not change how things are on a current daily basis. I still get to enjoy my sisters happiness currently, even if I wasn't aware of that happiness until months and months later.
  • myfirstborn04
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Aw, hugs i can understand how hurt you are. My family was stirring trouble in my & dh decision to get married so i left. It caused me and my dad to not have a relationship. We still don't really talk. IM sure i hurt them by running off, but they hurt me to. Hopefuly you and your dad can get through this and still have a good relationship. Take care Hun!
  • twins0506
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM
    I would be upset too. Does she have alot of family there which is why they're going there for it?
  • Kittie26
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Figures. I was still so upset and wanted to be alone today. He didn't text to ask if he could come over, as he usually does... instead he just showed up, so I was forced to stop wallowing and deal with it. We talked and I think worked it out. I told him I was still mad at him, but happy that he is happy.

    As for her family, yes, she has her kids and grandkids and mother there in Philippines. They will all get to be there, which I guess rubs me the wrong way a little, makes me resentful. I know it wasn't planned that way. He was planning on going there in November anyway, so I guess they just figured it'd be more convenient to marry at that time. He doesn't know for sure that it will be November. It depends on what happens with her work and what kind of visa she applies for. With one type, she gets it and then has to wait 10 months for a green card, and with another it takes like 6 months but then comes w/ a green card immediately. I didn't fully understand. I did ask, when he was saying these things, if he was sure she wasn't just after a green card. I didn't say it maliciously, and he said he was sure she wasn't. I said I agreed adn she seemed very sweet and not underhanded. 

    I guess I'm glad I talked to him about it, but was not happy at all that I didn't even get the choice to have him here and he just showed up. Petty, I know.

  • Kittie26
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Oh yeah, and when I said I was upset that I couldn't be at the wedding, he laughed and said, "Well, you weren't at the first one either!"

  • twins0506
    December 7, 2012 at 12:50 PM
    Well I'm glad you guys worked it out. Good luck to them. You too. :)

Autism - Support Across the Spectrum