Love & Marriage

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"Pretend abuse" UPDATE!!
March 13, 2013 at 10:00 AM

The title says it all I guess, this morning my husband and I had a huge fight this morning. It ended with him almost throwing a 13 oz can of formula at me. Something stopped him, maybe it was me jumping back or the look of fear on my face. He says he was jus pretending and it was to get me to shut up or to put me in my place. I ran off crying and he came to further tell me it was m fault because I was telling him he needed to get up and get ready or work. He only had 15 mins before he had to meet his work friends. Now what?? I'm so confused.


Sorry it has taken so long to update you all about the situation. All of you have been very supportive. He has been very nice & supportive since the incident however that could be the honeymoon phase. Since it happened he has relived a lot of his past growing up, I think he was abused. I had always thought that but he never told me. His sisters are cruel and his family "jokes" about things they shouldn't. How he grew up is no excuse for bad behavior. We all choose the way we are going to live. I'm trying to support him the best way I can, along with helping myself. I still don't trust him & it's going to take a while. He knows if it doesn't stop I'm going to pack up the children & leave. He called to talk to his mom about his actions, about how he thought growing up like he did affected him. She ended up telling him it was my fault because if I would have been opening the can then he wouldn't have done it, she told him he does to much for me & the girls (he really only helps a little), she told him he hadn't been his self in years because of me ( it couldn't be their fault for treating me and the girls bad), she went over the deep end about religious things, they ended up talking about our sex life or lack there of, it was a long list of things. He ended up saying mean things later that night about all of this. I told him there is NO excuse for abusive behavior and I wasn't going to stand by and let him think there is because of what his mother said. It's all a headache. 


  • LawMom8308
    March 13, 2013 at 10:07 AM
    Dude, not cool at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is NO excuse for him "pretending" to hit you. That was his excuse bc he really wanted to throw it. But in reality...are you a nagger? Do you stay on his toes a lot? Maybe he was just tired, or running late or just having a bad morning and he felt like you were "nagging" him and he just snapped. Even if you don't "nag" he may see it that way....... He is a grown man, if he oversleeps then that's his problem. If you warn him once then so be it. It's his responsiblity to get up and get moving. I would NOT tolerate that if I was you. I don't care if he DIDN'T do it or never has. Something in him almost snapped and he WOULD have. Luckily he had conscience. Please, please let him know that you will NOT stand for "abuse". If he was mad bc you told him to get up, then fine. Let him be mad or yell or fuss. But hitting, throwing, slapping....Nu-uh. No ma'am. Plus you have a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unacceptable.
  • mommadana
    March 13, 2013 at 10:11 AM

    I think he's manipulative and a complete jerk.  But that's my opinion.  He's blaming you because he didn't get out of bed earlier.  He needs to act like a grown up and wake up with the alarm like the rest of us.  Sorry I overslept this morning but it was all me.... or my phone, but probably me cause I bet I turned off my alarm, lol

  • aimesnyc
    March 13, 2013 at 10:13 AM

    Don't let him think for one minute that it was your fault.  He was the one who reacted almost violently.  I would let him know that he's on watch and the next time he "almost" does it, you're gone until he can get his act together and approach the situation like a sane adult.

  • furbabymum
    March 13, 2013 at 10:28 AM

     Umm, hell no. He was going to throw something at you? F no. Tell that son of a bitch that my bipolar spouse never laid a hand on me or threatened me physically in any way. If a mentally unstable man knows better your little asshole should know better. That's my opinion on that.

  • thatislife
    March 13, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    omg, i was married to a guy once that i had to beg to go to work on time, get out now, it does not get better (unless he is 100% committed to counseling and it gettting better, I left right where you are when this borderline abuse began , i didn't grow up like that and there was no way my kids were going to grow up in that environment!

  • iluvmy3babies2
    March 13, 2013 at 10:34 AM

    When it comes to abuse, REASONS ARE NOT EXUSES!!! Abuse is not only physical. Emotional abuse can be just as hurtful and is not allowed. 

  • preacherskid
    March 13, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    So instead of physical abuse he opted for psychological- blaming YOU, saying if YOU had acted differently he wouldn't have HAD to "put you in your place".  If you are both invested in the relationship I would recommend marriage counseling ASAP.  If he is unwilling to change or has no problems with the fact he threatened you with physical harm, I would re-evaluate the relationship.  Does he frequently tell you that if you were more/less of something (more obedient, less nagging, etc)he wouldn't have to do X to you/at you(throwing, yelling, putting down, etc)?

  • Hottmomma607
    March 13, 2013 at 10:35 AM
    He got angry&frustrated no need to pretend to hit you! Or throw something! He needs to dial back his anger! Ask him if he was late then would've been mad at you then? I find it grown people don't like to he told what to do! He was awake&up he could've figure it out on his own! Blaming you is wrong.
  • KristenFowles
    March 13, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    he probably lost his temper and really did go to throw the formula at you.. but then he caught himself and realized it'd be a bad idea.  

  • HaileysMom07180
    March 13, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    i don't think it was pretend i think your reaction snapped him out of a blind rage and he was embarrased and tried to chalk it up to pretend.  i could be wrong, i wasn't there, but i've never heard of pretend abuse in the middle of a full blown fight.

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