Love & Marriage

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KeiraRose
Not in love anymore...
February 3, 2013 at 9:26 PM

My husband and I have been married for 18 months and I just don't feel that spark anymore. I started feeling this way 6 months into my pregnancy and I just feel awful. He's such a loving person but he's also very lazy. He doesn't pick up after himself and is hardly ever involved with our daughter. I feel like he's more of a child than a man and it is pissing me off. I feel more like a single parent than a wife and it's breaking my heart. Every time I try talking to him it leads into a fight. We don't have sex anymore and I don't even want to kiss him. So Friday I sat him down and asked him if our marriage was even worth saving. He said yes but I honestly don't feel the same way and am considering filing for divorce. But I really, really don't want to put our daughter through that but I also don't want her growing up in a family where her parents are always fighting and don't even love each other. What is the right thing to do?

Replies

  • indymom72
    February 3, 2013 at 9:28 PM

    Try to do everything you can to save it.  Go to counseling..make time for each other.  The spark will ebb and flow..it's not always hot and heavy..remember why you fell in love and work on it.  Best of luck to you!!

  • Aamy
    by Aamy
    February 3, 2013 at 9:30 PM

    You only lasted 18m ??? Why did you get married to begin with ? 

  • KeiraRose
    February 3, 2013 at 9:42 PM

    Because he was very reliable in the beginning, always there when I needed him was always willing to help around the house but I started to see him change during my pregnancy and now it's like he's a different person. He has nothing to do with our daughter unless I ask him to watch her so I can shower or run to the store. Other than that I'm the only one who cares for our daughter.

    Quoting Aamy:

    You only lasted 18m ??? Why did you get married to begin with ? 


  • Aamy
    by Aamy
    February 3, 2013 at 9:48 PM

    And you dont think you havent changed during your pregnancy?? Have you tried talking to him and not blaming him for everything? ASK him how you 2 can work on things, dont TELL him. Keep asking him to help with your DD. Maybe he's depressed, maybe he is hurting over something. Why women are so quick when things get rough to say on i dont love him anymore, im going to divorce. Marriage takes work. It has its ups and downs. There are some hard rough spots where you think you cant stand him, but you hang in there. Either get help together or dont. You dont want your kids to have parents that fight all the time, but do you really want your daughter to learn how quickly mommy gave up when things got tight ?? Work on it. No im not saying for 10 yrs, but work on it for awhile. Tell him things that are bothering you. If every convo turns into a fight, write him a letter. Explain why things he does bothers you. But work on it, dont be so ready to run at the first bump in the road. Belive me after almost 15 yrs of marriage, we have seen plenty of bumps in the road. You just have to work on them and know there are good times. 

    Quoting KeiraRose:

    Because he was very reliable in the beginning, always there when I needed him was always willing to help around the house but I started to see him change during my pregnancy and now it's like he's a different person. He has nothing to do with our daughter unless I ask him to watch her so I can shower or run to the store. Other than that I'm the only one who cares for our daughter.

    Quoting Aamy:

    You only lasted 18m ??? Why did you get married to begin with ? 



  • Amber5151
    February 3, 2013 at 9:57 PM
    Honestly I think it's you and not him. Don't jump on me, hear me out. Your daughter is very young, you are feeling over whelmed, your hormones are still adjusting, you are adjusting to being a wife AND a mother and he is still adjusting to being a husband AND a father. He doesn't know what he is doing any more than you do. Relationships take work. I love my SO dearly, after 4 years do I feel a spark every single day? No. but I work with him and we adjust things and before we know it the butterflies are back. Put some work into out and stick it out.
  • gigis1
    by gigis1
    February 3, 2013 at 10:00 PM

    give it just one more chance after talking about it.. where there was flame, ashes remain

    talk about what bothers you and what you miss from the beginning of the relationship.. if you feel the same still, leave !!

    my parents fell out of love and i am so happy they seperated... i didnt want to be the reason for my parents being miserable

  • nmcmommy2
    February 3, 2013 at 10:19 PM
    You have a lot of emotions going on girlie. And that's ok,but I have to ask dear, are you pregnant now??? Only because we all know that pregnancy horomones take over and the rational you is no longer present. Another question is did your new husband show signs that he was lazy and such BEFORE you were married? Because as crass as this may sound.... Why should he change now. You allowed him to continue with the behavior before you were married. If that's the case. There is a way to work through it and resolve the root of your issue you are having. Counseling is an option, but before you go forking out cash to someone that your husband may be unresponsive to. Sit down and really think about what is your issues here. Is that he's lazy or won't pick up after himself and leave you with the common chores of the house that can be shared.
    As far as your daughter is concerned,I understand your not waiting her to witness anything ugly and want her to remain a healthy happy child, but first figure out your issues and work with your husband first. He's not a mind reader,he's a MAN!!! LOL. And we as women have to help guide them to our final goal. If its more help around the house them you two sit and make a chore chart TOGETHER. And don't get mad if he doesn't get to his chores right away but does get to them before the evening is done. Pick your battles. Some are not worth fighting and losing. Be blessed.
  • KyrinM
    by KyrinM
    February 3, 2013 at 10:50 PM

    You consider the possibility that both of you could be suffering from depression?  As for spark, relationships take maintanence, you don't just get together, marry, then just stick each other on a shelf & live happily ever after.  Communication, have you told him you feel like he isn't helping much around the house, that you feel like a single parent?  Have you asked him if he is intimidated by his daughter & if that is why he avoids caring for her?  A lot of men are terrified of their children when they are tiny, they seem so small & easily hurt, so they avoid handling them as much as they can.  Maybe he feels inadequate, after all, you did all the work of carrying the baby, birthed her, & taking care of her seems so easy for you.  I would suggest you write him a letter, if you can't talk to him in person without a battle, then write it, hard to argue with a piece of paper.  If you loved him in the beginning, then you can get that back.  Divorce is the easy way out, building a strong relationship takes work, both of you have to do that work.  He sounds like he is willing to do it, how about you?  Good luck!

  • JennPearce
    February 4, 2013 at 12:33 AM
    Personally I'd try to do everything I could before calling it quits. Try counseling, date nights, talking, physical touch. If you still feel the same after that then call it quits. Go out knowing you tried everything to save your marriage.
  • MixedCooke
    February 4, 2013 at 1:12 AM

    1) the first 5 years are the hardest--why bother getting married if you dont even try to give it a chance??

    2) men are typically afraid to care for babies and it is when the baby is more able to be playful and reactive to times with him do they truly start to bond with baby, which is usually between 6 months and beyond.  They really shine when the babies are 2 because they are so playful.

    3) Understand that your hormones are still out of whack until at least a year after birth and after you are done breastfeeding, which affects libido as well

    4) There is an adjustment period for a man to realize that he is a Father now and it is not as immediate as a woman since we were already adjusting while carrying the baby.  You need to give him some time.

    5) As far as household duties, it is a rare man that will just jump up and do chores, you need to crack the whip sometimes and get him to understand that you are tired from caring for the baby and the home and that the less tired you are the more energy that you may have to be a wife aka sexual activities resuming possibly.

    6) parenting is not only rewarding but it is also tiring and frustrating and it too needs time to adjust to the new roles that each of you have.

     

    GOOD LUCK!  I am speaking as a person who was ready to divorce my hubby while pregnant and the the first year after our baby was born.  We are going on 7 yrs now...

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