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NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*
by Pepe22
January 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.

I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!

DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.

I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.

Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.


Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.


  • Alwayscheerful
    January 29, 2013 at 10:33 PM
    Hmmm,I just had a role with my dh on this issue, do you know he sleeps alone while i sleep with the kid because he doesnt want noise! He make love,when he's in the mood not when Iam in the mood! Really selfish!
  • Pepe22
    by Pepe22
    January 29, 2013 at 10:40 PM
    DH has done things very similar to this. Why are men aloud to be selfish and not have to have a reason for it. Just because they are aloud to be? It doesn't make any sense

    Quoting Alwayscheerful:

    Hmmm,I just had a role with my dh on this issue, do you know he sleeps alone while i sleep with the kid because he doesnt want noise! He make love,when he's in the mood not when Iam in the mood! Really selfish!

  • destinyangl21
    January 29, 2013 at 11:28 PM

    My DH and I had this issue before we got married.Let me tell you, we got into very very big fights over his "selfish" issue many many times. I mean he spent 1000 on a gun the same day that I paid for the deposit of on our wedding reception! I was livid!

    I'm not making any excuses for his behavior don't get me wrong, but did your DH have a healthy relationship with his mother or did he have to take care of himself?

    See my MIL didn't really take care of my DH @ all, so he was basically left to fend for himself. His whole mentality is/was "I gotta take care of myself and my needs first..." It got so bad for me that I ended up walking out and staying at a hotel for the night. He ended up showing up at the hotel room I was staying in and begged me, on his hands and knees to come back home. After that he made a complete 180....

  • SunnyDayz-Ahead
    January 30, 2013 at 12:32 AM
    I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.
  • PrdNate
    by PrdNate
    January 30, 2013 at 7:17 AM

    I agree that you shouldn't give up - you need to take your vows seriously, but this is not what marriage is all about.  It's about give and take.  Was he like this before you got married?  I've been married for almost 22 years and although my husband can be selfish at times, its very short-lived.  It really sounds like you are trying to make this better, but this fix needs to come from your husband.  He has to want something to change.  Change isn't going to happen if its not something you both want (and it sounds like he doesn't want it).  Maybe you could try to see a counselor for more advice on how to fix this. Good Luck!

  • BannerElkHogans
    January 30, 2013 at 7:23 AM

    You cannot make him change if he think's that he has no he an his father the same ..........usually men are like monkey see,monkey doo........with their dad's if his father is like that with his wife or mother I would talk to the mom an see how she dealt with that for so long if thats the case.

  • 247beachbumz
    January 30, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u

  • briebaby123
    January 30, 2013 at 9:03 AM

    I'm sorry Hon', unfortunately i'm going through the similar thing.
    Good luck to you!!

    Just keep talking to him and letting him know how you feel. Go out once in a while.
    Take baby to the zoo or SOMETHING, just to change up your day and get out!

  • geekymomoftwo
    January 30, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!

  • polkaspots
    January 30, 2013 at 9:18 AM
    Talk to him when he's in a good mood. Try getting a sitter so you can spend some quality time together. Please don't stop bfing just because you're having problems with your husband. The two aren't related.

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