I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.
I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!
DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.
I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.
Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.
Thank you for all the good advice!
I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.
We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
DH was similar. Finally, I printed legal separation papers & handed them to him & said. I love you & can see that this (family & wife) isn't what you want b/c we aren't 1st priority. Why don't you go do you for a bit.
He looked at me like deer in the head lights & didn't talk to me the rest of the day. He didnt play video games for over a month & he helped out. Not perfect, but much much better- that was 8 months ago.
Sometimes, they need to see you might not always be there like they think...
It's hard to know what's really going on here. I have a few suggestions and I'm not sure which I'd recommend trying.
The first, you say you like reading books about marriage - try The Power of a Praying Wife. It does help if you're religious, but even if you're not, you can reap the benefits of this book. And the best part is that it's a book designed for a woman who's fighting for her relationship alone.
Another is counseling. If he's really as apathetic as you claim, he most likely won't be for it, but maybe if you can talk to him and let him know that his attitude is really making you reconsider the marriage, he might be more interested in giving it a try.
And finally, as much as I hate to say this, it might be time to get out. I never ever like to offer this suggestion, but honestly! If he doesn't care one lick about you or the baby, there's no need to stick around.
I hope it doesn't come down to that, I hope you're able to find something else that works. Good luck.
Yeah, my EX refused counseling, ironically he started going after I left him. A little too late, but it seems to have helped him a lot, so that is good. We're friends now & he seems happy. I know I am, we never really suited all that well anyway & my DH now is perfect for me.