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I'm starting to resent him...(long)
January 29, 2013 at 2:22 AM
I love my husband, I really do, but I'm starting to resent him! Soon after ds was born my dh decided he wanted to switch to graveyard shifts at work, I asked him not to cuz I knew it'd make me miserable, well he pushed it and pushed it until I finally caved and said to do it. Now, ten months later, I was right, I'm kinda miserable. I feel like I might as well be a single parent! He gets home in the morning and is falling asleep on the couch by the time we get up, so he sleeps most the day while I have ds and try to clean, then I go to work (only 4 hours though thNk heaven) and my mom watches ds while I work and right when I get off I get ds right back to take care of and I make dinner. Then dh wakes up, showers, and goes to work. I'm going crazy!

I hardly see him most days, and now I'm kinda bitter and a little resentful towards him that I get mad at almost everything he does. I feel like my happiness comes second to his and I feel so alone. I've talked to him about it and it helped for a couple days but of course he went right back to doin the usual. What do I do? How do I stop resenting him so much? I've tried to just let it go but I can't anymore, I'm constantly mad and its taking its toll on me. Any advice would be helpful.


  • MommyOfTheBest2
    January 29, 2013 at 2:30 AM
    I've been in this situation on both ends. I've been sahm while hubby worked thirds and it does suck. You really have to work at taking advantage of the time you do get. Do special things every chance you get, even if that's just getting up early and having breakfast ready when he gets home. Wake him up a little early for work with some sexy time. Keep things spicy and sweet.
    I've also done thirds while my hubby was sahd. I think you should consider that your hubby may be worn out and is using third to escape a bit. Also, even if you work thirds for a long time it's still a difficult adjustment sleep wise. You never really feel rested no matter how much sleep you can get. It's truly tiring to work at night and sleep after sunup.
    You should discuss it with him again and if he's unwilling to get a shift switch then work on making the time you do get better.
  • hollydaze1974
    January 29, 2013 at 2:38 AM
    Have you asked why he decided to switch to a shift that left you with a newborn 24/7?
    Did you ask why it was so important to switch right then? Did he not want a baby?
    Is there something he hasn't told you?

    It just seems really wierd that you have a child together and POOF! He's gone, but not really.
  • KimTaylor76
    January 29, 2013 at 2:44 AM
    He said it was for the pay raise and he didn't want to deal with as many people during the day. That time is when the position opened up. Honestly, I know he wanted a baby, and he loves him more than anything, but I think part of it was he wanted to get away a little. It is like pulling teeth to get him to watch our son by himself. Even if its just for 15 minutes so I can take a shower. He's getting better at it now, but at first it was like he was scared to be alone with him or something.

    Quoting hollydaze1974:

    Have you asked why he decided to switch to a shift that left you with a newborn 24/7?

    Did you ask why it was so important to switch right then? Did he not want a baby?

    Is there something he hasn't told you?

    It just seems really wierd that you have a child together and POOF! He's gone, but not really.

  • Mommy7497
    January 29, 2013 at 2:52 AM
    I'm in the exact same situation but my ds is 7 monts old and my DH wakes up two or sometimes 3 hours before work to play with our ds and spend a little time with me. Sometimes he falls asleep with ds in his arms when putting him to nap and that makes me feel guilty at times because he has a hurt back so he can't sleep most of the time he only sleeps 4 hours at times so just gets up to be with us. I agree think the small amount of time you do get to spend together make the most of it if its still putting so much strain on your relationship talk to him let him know you are exhausted and if he has the flexibility to change his schedule that would be great. My DH doesn't so I don't push the subject good luck ;)?
  • jeniemarie
    January 29, 2013 at 3:57 AM
    honestly i wish i knew. im in the same boat but im a sahm with 3 kids. sometimes i feel like im living with a stranger. i feel your pain.
  • roxanna79
    January 29, 2013 at 5:10 AM
    I have been there before with our dd. We almost never saw each other for the better part of 10 years just in passing as I was getting home and he was leaving for work.

    I begged him to switch shifts because he was missing out on our lives. He finally did switch and now our daughter is 14 and he sees all that he missed with het and he regrets it. Our son is 2 and he is very involved with him.

    He says the reason he chose nights was selfish because the work was easier and he wanted time for himself. His time for himself costed him a close relationship with his daughter though.

    I am not saying thats ur guys reason, just talk to him and explain everything he is missing.
  • furbabymum
    January 29, 2013 at 11:00 AM

     Unless there is a legitimate financial reason for him to be working graveyards you need to insist he switch back to days. Or maybe itw as the boss during day shifts he couldn't stand. Find out his exact reason for switching to graveyards and then have a conversation about how your DS isn't even going to know who he is.

  • macbudsmom
    January 29, 2013 at 11:26 AM

    He literally sleeps all day?  Sounds simply lazy and I woulnd't tolerate it.

  • sydjademom24
    January 29, 2013 at 12:00 PM
    I had this problem not too long ago. My husband worked 80+ hours a week, 7 days a week for 2 years. I was so fed up, so lonely. Everything was on me. Raising 3 kids, house, bills, homework. The last 2 months of the 2 years everything just fell apart. I stopped caring. I was so overwhelmed. Finally I sat down and told him I cant do this anymore. 60 hours a week is more than enough. I want date night atleast once a month...maybe twice. The kids miss you. And he finally realized it wasnt all about burrowing money away like a squirrel....that time with me and the girls was more important. He still works overtime...just no Sundays, out early on Fridays and no later than 7 mon-thurs. Its working out very well the last 6 months. Just tell him I cant do this by myself anymore! Period!
  • Serenity7
    January 29, 2013 at 1:41 PM

     In order for you to let something go you have to want to let it go. My husband use to work nights when our kids were little. He slept durning the day. I never resented my husband for it.

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