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iSarah
Porn UPDATE at bottom of post
by iSarah
January 28, 2013 at 8:56 PM

So, DH and I both have iPhones with iCloud. We use the same e-mail address because it's easier to keep track if he buys something from iTunes. I handle the checkbook. He showed me the other day that our phones have the same bookmarks in safari. I thought that was weird, but no biggy. I noticed in our bookmarks, there is a tab called iCloud Tabs. I didn't know what it was so I opened it and it shows all teh web pages open on all our devices. Well, it showed me what was open on his phone and I saw one page said, "Mature Photos". I almost ignored it because it didn't register with me as anything offensive. I went ahead and opened the page anyway and it was porn... lots of porn. My husband had a safari page open of porn. I calmly and quietly asked him to come with me to the bathroom as to not discuss it around the kids. I asked him what it was about and he got really defensive and said someone must have hacked our wifi. I gave him one last ounce of trust and got on our computer. It is still a locked wifi and besides that, the signal ends as soon as you exit the driveway. I told him, "It says it is open on your phone. I know you were looking at it. Don't lie to me." I don't remember exact words, but I stayed quiet and calm. I didn't want the kids to hear or get worried. After a long talk, he admited that he was looking at it about a week ago and has on and off (seldom, he says) our whole marriage. Now, I understand that some of you may think it's not a big deal; that all men do it, but that's not how I feel. Not once have I ever thought to look at porn since I've been with him. Not once. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel as though I have been cheated on. He looked at other women naked. I'm not okay with that. I told him, if he wants to see all that, he can look at me. There is nothing they have that I don't. I also told him, I gave birth to his children. I take care of them and him and our dogs. I asked him a lot of questions like when would he look at this stuff. And I could just smack myself because he is always on his phone and he doesn't have games on it... facebook is not that interesting. I should have known something was up. I believe him when he says that it is seldom... well, I WANT to believe him. I'm really depressed about all of this. He asked me what he could do to make it up to me. I told him if I told him what to do, that is like me writing out school work answers and just have him copy them down. I can't do his work. I just don't know what to tell him anymore. Obviously, I'm not leaving him. I believe in fixing things first. I'm just really hurt. He says it won't happen again. I'd like to believe that, but when we first got married, this happened... when I was pregnant and he said the same. He says he is sorry, but I feel he is only sorry he got caught. I'm sure I made him feel like shit about it and he feels guilty, but I also think if he hadn't gotten caught, he would have just kept it going.


I don't want to fight about it every day. It has pretty much seen all it can. However, if I just act normal, he's going to think I got over it and he got away with it. It's not like I expect him to watlz in here with something that will make me feel all better. I would just like him to make an effort to prove that he is worthy of my trust. BTW, if it happens again, as sad as I will be, I will leave him. A third time would be conformation that he loves to look at others more than me.


I just needed someone to talk to about this.  I can't talk about it to people in real life.  It's too personal.



UPDATE: Perhaps I posted this too quickly. I just wanted to let everyone know, DH and I had another talk again tonight and I really do feel a lot better. I explained exactly how I feel. I should be the one that makes him hard. He took that away from me and gave it to these skanks in the pictures. I really think it helped to explain my feelings. I feel a lot better. We had some rough moments tonight. I actually dropped my dinner plate and my food dumped on the floor. I just broke down, cried a lot. It felt good to just get it out. Long story short, DH split his plate in half and the right words were said and I think we are going to work out. Thanks for listening. I think typing it out helped.

Replies

  • No1knows
    January 28, 2013 at 9:05 PM

    I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.

  • No1knows
    January 28, 2013 at 9:07 PM

    Another thing - because he knows I accept he can look at porn - it removes the taboo and he actually looks at it less. Weird how that works.

  • catrig
    by catrig
    January 28, 2013 at 9:08 PM
    He should have been honest about it.
  • StrawberryCool
    January 28, 2013 at 9:08 PM
    No its not entertainmemt for married men.


    Quoting No1knows:

    I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.


  • StrawberryCool
    January 28, 2013 at 9:10 PM
    I agree with you.

    I hate porn.

    Even when single didnt look at it.

    I know how you feel.

    My husband was cought looking at it last summer.

    Promised me he wouldnt look at it again, and then just recently got cought again...the second time ive not questioned him about it.

    But its disrespectful.
  • iSarah
    by iSarah
    January 28, 2013 at 9:12 PM
    It bothers me that he was dishonest about it. If we watched it together would be one thing. Doing it behind my back hurts. It hurts that he would want to look at anyone else. I understand not everyone feels that way. I'm not knocking other couples that participate. It just makes me sad how this turned out.


    Quoting No1knows:

    I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.


  • Mrsfarr
    by Mrsfarr
    January 28, 2013 at 9:15 PM
    Although I don't mind if my husband looks at porn, I understand your frustration.

    Maybe you could put an adult content lock on the phone? I know it defeats the purpose of trust and it might actually cause problems but if you feel so strongly, it might be your only option for peace of mind.
  • iSarah
    by iSarah
    January 28, 2013 at 9:16 PM
    I personally am not open to my DH or I looking at anyone else's body but each other's. Not everyone has to follow my same idea. I won't look down on anyone for it. This is how I feel about me.
  • iSarah
    by iSarah
    January 28, 2013 at 9:19 PM
    Well, technically, with that iCloud tabs, I can check it any time. He knows that now. He actually offered to use a non smart phone, but SIM cards are different in an iPhone so I told him it wasn't necessary.


    Quoting Mrsfarr:

    Although I don't mind if my husband looks at porn, I understand your frustration.



    Maybe you could put an adult content lock on the phone? I know it defeats the purpose of trust and it might actually cause problems but if you feel so strongly, it might be your only option for peace of mind.

  • nicole2884
    January 28, 2013 at 9:28 PM
    This i would be more concerned with what my part in this was he obviously didnt feel he could be open about it. . Why is that. Thats the part that would bother me



    Mn are visual they're not like us . Its not an insult to you. By looking at it he isn't saying your ugly .etc. it just says he is horny an your not available. If it was interfering with life thats different



    Dh knows i don't care we sometimes watch together an he doesn't have to hide an im not setting myself up for. Arguments


    Quoting No1knows:

    I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.

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