Love & Marriage
Hi,
My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years. We have differing perspectives on the topic of ''roles". I feel that we should be equals, but he feels that it is pre-ordained (christian) that men and women have different roles. We both work, care for the kids, cook, clean, etc. He comments when we have disagreements, about any of these things, that he is "the man of the house", but that his role is not being respected as such.
I don't feel that he treats me as an inferior, but I can be a bit of a feminist and those comments and opinions trouble me. When I ask him what it means to be the man of the house, he says it is ultimately his responsibility to protect, provide, and care for everyone. That's great, but we are sharing those responsibilities. Where does that leave me and what am I supposed to derive from these comments? When I question further about role responsibilities, he makes references to the bible, God, and thousands of years of evolution, but nothing more specific.
To complicate matters, I have 3 daughters from a previous marriage, and they do not want to accept his authority. This is what we argue about. I think his expectations are too high over things that I see as not large issues, and he takes the things that they do personnally, as disrespectful to him. The arguments start when the only things he says about them are negative comments about their behavior. He seems to find something wrong that the kids have done morning and when he comes home at night. They leave the lights on, crumbs on the counter, or forget to water the dog. I will give him this: there are times he tells them to do things and I think they intentionally ignore or put them off. I have been addressing these things as he tells me about them, but after I address them with the kids, he complains that I am not stepping it up enough because their behavior isn't changing.
I find myself spending so much time unhappy with how things are and everyone is constantly unhappy at home. I sit in the middle of it all and everyone looks to me for solutions. I get depressed over this situation as I can't seem to resolve it. I have taken the kids to group counseling and it was helpful but not enough. He and I had been to a couple counseling sessions, too, but he is so firm in his convictions about how things should be that I don't see much more coming out of that.
Replies
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It sounds like he may have a control issue and uses the "man of the house/Bible" excuse as his justification.
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He sounds very stubborn lol. Don't worry, my husband is that way too. I have a 3 year old son from a previous marriage and he is very firm with him. Women weren't made that way. We def take a much softer approach. And be glad your husband would actually go with you to counseling. Mine refuses to go. He says we dot need to go but I do. We've been married for 5 months....geezum I wonder how bad it will be in 5 years!! He too is constantly talking about roles and God and the Bible...you are not alone! Hugs :) -
I have a difficult time seeing how you two can strike a compromise. You are really starting from opposite ends of the spectrum. Was this not discussed before you married?
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Family and marital counseling. I understand what you mean by Christian values and supposed roles. He needs some unbiased professional to explain why he deserves no more and no less respect than you , especially based on gender when you are both major contributors. Times have changed from the bible days. I wish you all the best in everything! -
Personally, I would never tolerate that attitude from my husband. We are equals in every way.
You need to assert yourself and stand up to him.
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Do you work OP? Like, work outside the home? -
I see how you feel. My situation is a little different. We're just engaged, with an 18 month old, and I'm a sahm. Last week df told me he expects me to be a submissive wife, and he wears the pants in our relationship. I actually laughed in his face and told him good luck finding a wife like that. I made it clear that yes, I will support his dreams/aspirations but we will be equal in decision making. I hope things settle down for you and you reach a good compromise in your relationship. -
Discuss with him how you as a woman can protect, provide and care for everyone. Do not think he can take the full responsibility because no man can when there is two people caring for children. There are limitations that a step father can have with his wife's children. The step father should support the mother's rules for the children but the step father can discuss any rules that he thinks should be made or changed with the mother. This would be correct also for step mothers.
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From what I read, your daughters disrespect him. That seems to be his problem.
My marriage is Christian based. I try to be a Proverbs 31 wife and woman and have my family as Ephesians 5&6 based. It has nothing to do with being submissive. It's about my husband taking care of the family and the children being obedient and respectful while him having a wife who'll back him up with decisions.
My husband and I discuss everything as partners because we are equally important, but parenting decisions are backed.
I think that's what he's looking for, he's not expressing it though. He's just sitting saying well I'm the head, but forgetting he has other body parts going on their own accord figuratively speaking. -
Quoting beeky:
Personally, I would never tolerate that attitude from my husband. We are equals in every way.
You need to assert yourself and stand up to him.
Totally agree