For any of you that are in my group in Love and Marriage you already know some of this. Pretty much i'm writing this to get my words out before i go insane,that and i need as much support as i van get right now. Also if their are any mons who have lost a child it would help me to maybe have some questions answered.I do want to apologize in advance this is going to be hard to write so i know i will make mistake.
On Jan 14 at 7:40 PM my son who had just turned 18 in November went for a bike ride with two of his friends from the group home he was living in. One of them chose to ride ahead to the market while my son and rode on a bike and his friend walked behind him with a flashlight. They were on highway 299 in Redding Ca. A man came around a small curve and hit the rear tire on Claytons bike.He flew off the bike the back part of his head went through the passenggar side windshield.( According to detective,it crushed his skull) Then he flew about 100 feet hitting the ground cutting the right side of his face. I was told he died instantltyl
According to the home he was having a very good day and was the happiest he had been in a long time.Which is saying a lot because he's been doing very well for the last 3 months.But he had so much to look forward to. For instance his siste had finally gotten over his shyness and was going to voice chat with him the Thursday after he died. We were going to be moving to OK in Sept or Oct. and his alta regional worker and i had just recently started looking for a group home in OK by us. My cat is going to be delivering kittied in a few days and he was looking forward to seeing the kittens. Weather was warming up which meant he was going to be going to his favorite lakes again. He was so happy. In a way that makes it a little easier knowing he died happy and he died instantly.
We got to say our final goodbyes on the 18th. I really didn't want to see him but his sister really needed to. And thankfully the place he was cared for after he died did a good job. We couldn't tell part of the back of his head was gone and the cut i was told was very big on the right side of his face i didn't see at all. Infortunally he had inherited TMJ issues from me so his jaw was locked opened and the funeral home couldn't get his mouth to shut. That was hard to see. Cause ,as my daughter brought to my attention, it looked like he died screaming. But i don't think that was the case. He was hit from behind i don't think in that split second and because of his brain problems he was born with, i don't think it would have registered in time.
On the 19th the group home he's been at for a little over 4 years threw his memorial. When i walked in i was shocked by the amount of people their to mourn my son. Their were about 50 seats and another 20 standing. He as so blessed to have had so many people love him. I just wish he was still here to feel all that love.I regret having to place him in a group home now. It's 6 years i will never get back. Deep down i know i did the best thing for him because of his disibilities but i can't stop thinking if i would have just went through it for 6 more years.Yet at the same time i know he was happy there and i wasn't equipped to care for him due to his strength.
Igot almost alll hs stuff home and today i actually have to go through it. WOW not looking forward to that. We went through it a little before we left.We wanted to make sure every child in the school that loved him had something from their friend who the clamied as their brother.WHich makes me so happy knowing the felt that way.
Oh i can't remember if i had mentioned this or not,in Love and Marriage, but for over a year Clayton would keep telling me he had things he wanted to send my daughter and i and i had been begging for pictures. Well 3 weeks ago a box finally arrived. It had pics and two stuffed animals in it. When we had our Skype call i told him he got it. He asked if I got my teddy bear and he described it to me. I told him no and he started getting very upset. I was scared he would get so upset that he would go AWOL again.So i tried to calm him down telling him he had plenty of time to find. Well he hadn't found it in those 3 days before he was hit. But by the time i got there the staff had found it.Well them. It's a small set of teddy bears. Two brown bears. A mom holding a cub and on one of the feet it says i love mom. I can't bring myself to put it down. I know he would be so happy knowing they got it to me. And knowing my son held and touched it helps to.I know that may be silly, i just don't know how to explain needing to having it in my hands or right by me at all times. Geez i don't know how to explain any of my feelings right now.SO many times i have heard parents saying they expect ther child to walk in the door after they have died. Untill now i just couldn't understood why they just didn't realize their child was dead. Now i do. I keep wanteding to pick up the phone or log onto Skype and talk/see my son but i can't. How am i supposed to feel about that? How am i supposed to survive knowing i will never get one of his bear huugs again. I mean my son could break a bone giving someone a hug. We would have to tell him ,not so hard. Now i wish i culd say harder .To the people in Love and Marriage thank you for the support the last six day.
by EsmeVincentJanuary 28, 2013 at 12:24 PMMy heart breaks for you...I just want to hug you and not let go till you are ready
January 28, 2013 at 2:48 PM
awwwww I'm beyond sorry for your heartbreaking loss! You are suffering thru a mother's worst nightmare, be gentle and patient with yourself in your grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I wish I had words to bring you some comfort but I dont believe there are any words sufficient. BIG HUGSSSS
by Sue1605January 28, 2013 at 4:39 PM
A BIG bear hug for you. We are here whenever you want to talk about Clayton.