You seriously need help. And I'm not being snarky, thats for real.
Quoting Newmom.com12:
I feel like I'm always complaining I just want happiness but I don't know how to be I worry so much I keep thinking about the mistakes I've mad in the past isay ima let go but I find myself dwelling again I'm sorry for cheating but I was young n naive I'm different now but so is my sons father n a bad way I live him n don't want to break up my family not sure who I can talk to n this mom thing is hard I need help from his dad emotionally I'm hurt I'm sad I want to change n b strong for my baby my life has changed n I have to accept the changes body wise parenting wise its time to grow up but something is stopping me