Love & Marriage

StayHomeMom0610
I need some serious advice!
January 3, 2013 at 2:15 AM

 I just recently got married 6 mos ago, and I have been with my DH for about 5 years now. We have had some serious  problems that we have had worked through (thank you Jesus) but it seems lately it's just not working out. I don't know why. Sometimes I can be insecure and I understand that is not healthy. There is a 15 yr difference between us, and I guess the way I would like things to be is too much like " I'm not like that anymore" We don't go out, I'm a stay at home mom, I homeschool my kids and I want some affection, I want him to take me out and tell me he loves me. I'm wondering if maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. I need advice, what should I do and how I do go about addressing my issues with him?

Replies

  • MumsTheWord571
    January 3, 2013 at 2:19 AM
    First, has any of this changed since before the wedding? If so, remind him you still need romancing. If this is not new then you need to tell him, without attacking, what you need. Tell him you want a date night, you need time out of the house as a family, whatever it is you need. Do it in "I feel" & "I need" statements rather than more attacking type sentences "you never" etc
  • CuzImMOM
    January 3, 2013 at 2:20 AM
    Who is older?
  • StayHomeMom0610
    January 3, 2013 at 2:22 AM

     He is. I'm 25 he is 40

    Quoting CuzImMOM:

    Who is older?

     

  • CuzImMOM
    January 3, 2013 at 2:25 AM
    Oh. I don't know then


    Quoting StayHomeMom0610:

     He is. I'm 25 he is 40


    Quoting CuzImMOM:

    Who is older?

     


  • Lindalou907
    January 3, 2013 at 5:50 AM

    15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.

  • smurfbitebug
    January 3, 2013 at 5:53 AM
    Fifteen years is a big difference but it isn't too much of a difference. My husband and I are thirteen years apart, and we are fine. Don't start that shit.

    Quoting Lindalou907:

    15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.

  • smurfbitebug
    January 3, 2013 at 5:55 AM
    This is great advice. Also, instead of waiting for him to schedule a date night or make reservations, you do it as well.
    Once you are alone together it won't make a difference who planned it. And once you two get used to getting away together occasionally, he will probably start planning some, too.


    Quoting MumsTheWord571:

    First, has any of this changed since before the wedding? If so, remind him you still need romancing. If this is not new then you need to tell him, without attacking, what you need. Tell him you want a date night, you need time out of the house as a family, whatever it is you need. Do it in "I feel" & "I need" statements rather than more attacking type sentences "you never" etc
  • i.heart.myboys
    January 3, 2013 at 7:11 AM

    I would put the effort out there and tell him 'hey we are going to do this date night' ok? And tell him that you are doing it. Sometimes my DH needs a bit of a push as well and sometimes I need a push. Especially if our youngest, whom is disabled is having a rough week/month then I forget that we need to focus on us too. So sometimes we all need a push. (hugs) Age is but a number but sometimes even men with more experience then us need to be reminded that we need to be wooed here and there!

  • i.heart.myboys
    January 3, 2013 at 7:12 AM

    Also, he might feel insecure himself. I know before DH I dated guys who were 10+ years older then me and my one ex said he was insecure I'd find someone my own age and he would just be left.

  • LilliesValley
    January 3, 2013 at 8:14 AM

    My husband and I are 11 years apart and we will have been married 10 years this year and together for 12 total. My husband was raised in a family where love and affection weren't constant, in fact they were rarely given. My family doesn't get off the phone without saying I love you, kissing and hugs goodbye when we're in person, so his family is just weird to me. It was very slow going but we are to a great point now. I will be honest in the fact that you seem very isolated. Not sure how much you get out of the house and all but I know I was more needy and needed more affection and got irritated the more at home I was. He would also irritate me more too. He has to work two jobs to support us and instead of being happy about this I was resentful and mad. Why can't he get a better job so he can spend more time with us? Why is he always in a bad mood? etc, etc. I don't know what happened, but I was really sick during this time and as I was getting well over the last 6-9 months my whole attitude and everything changed dramatically. I started realizing that I was lucky I had a man that cared enough about his family to work TWO jobs and get up 6 days a week and work where he has to work to make ends meet. He hates his jobs and of course he wants a better job and to be home with us more but that's not possible right now. So this is how it is, I can either be winy and upset about it and make things worse or I can put up and shut up and be grateful for what I have. When I took on and owned the second view I realized how lucky I was. It made everything DRAMATICALLY BETTER! He became more loving and attentive towards me which made me even more happy, loving and grateful for him and so the circle keeps going. We have been through alcoholism (with him) and me being very sick for 2 years (I was in a walker and about to be in a wheel chair, had to quit working full time, etc.) and having no money. Maybe keep a gratitude journal and think about the things you do have to be grateful for. I like to say thank you a lot, and I ty to make sure things aren't waiting for him when he gets home. I'm not perfect by any means, there are dishes in the sink right now (and this irritates him for whatever reason) but they'll get done today. We make time now every evening to talk about whatever we need to talk about.For example I used to have to beg him to cuddle with me when we went to bed, now I just snuggle in and he puts his arm around me. The only thing that changed was MY attitude, then he made changes too from that. I can't of course say that this will work 100% of the time or anything like that, but it may and it's worth a shot. You can't hold back though, you have to just give and do and wait maybe 3 months and see what happens. Because for a month of so he's going to be waiting for the old you to come back, then it's going to take a month for him to realize you've changed and then a month for him to adapt and start to make changes. We are SO much happier, and if I knew this would have brought these results I would have done it years ago. All the nagging in the world, yelling and fighting have never brought the changes that changing my attitude has done. I was insecure about a lot of things and just knowing that he was here and made a commitment to me and that he had never given me a reason to feel like he was looking "elsewhere" was just something I had to realize too. I know I have more time in than you at this point, but if I can pass this on and you get in 1 year or 2 years where it took me to get in 9 then hey I'm all for it. I wish I had tried this years ago but honestly my pride kept getting in the way. I'm a very loud person, very energetic and can have an attitude and when my daughter was born 6 years ago all of that subsided some. I'm still me now, still loud and energetic but I try really hard not to sweat the small stuff. My attitude and mama bear stuff can still come out when it needs to but if the fast food line takes 10 minutes I don't go nuts. If the pizza is wrong I don't go nuts. If someone cuts me off in traffic (I try very hard) to not swear and think maybe they have something that is an emergency (to them or in reality) and just let it go. Not saying this happens 100% of the time or anything but it happens more often than not and helps so much. My health will never be 100% and I have come to accept it, but I have also come to accept that only I am going to determine what kind of day I'm going to have. I can be happy about what I have or I can be miserable with what I don't. I can be happy that my husband works his ass off and does the best he can or I can think why can't he be home more, why can't he do this, why can't he do that? Instead it's more, "what can I do?" My whole philosophy has changed and I feel years older than I was 2 years ago. I feel like I have the secret to life and I'm grateful that I didn't have to be 50, or 70 or 90 to get it. I'm 32 right now and SO grateful that I have come to realize what I have. Like I said, you may make these changes (or you may decide I'm loony and full of crap and not) and nothing will happen. Maybe he's a jerk and nothing will change that. But I'm betting that you've put 5 years in and if you make some changes your going to see results. You may say well I've tried that, but 100% in for 3-6 months? Maybe not so much. I bet if you try and do and change your attitude you'll see others around you change yours. Even my parents have commented on how surreal and calm I am about things. I don't want to make it seem like I've changed who I am, because I'm still me, I've just grown and pruned myself a little. I've grown into who I've always knew and wished I could be. I really, and truly hope this helps. I'm still affectionate but since I don't feel isolated anymore I don't act like I am. I don't act needy because I have what I need (and I get more now too!). Speaking of which not sure what your sex life is like but mine used to be maybe once every 4-6 weeks and now I want it every night or so. This was such a big change and now he complains because I want it so much! I'm like that's a good problem to have, but honey he says, "I'm an old man!" so yeah we don't do it every night but try to do it every other. If it goes 3 days I'm like a fucking rabbit! And really having sex and that connection helps too. Yeah he's tired after 2 jobs and 14-15 hour days (or longer) but you know that connection is necessary. Sex used to hurt (and I mean hurt I would cry through it) and not be that great, now it FANTASTIC! What made it not hurt (I don't know but doing it more and a lot seemed to help-really weird I'm the first to admit but it's really great now and I usually get to cum 2-4 times so freaking awesome as far as I'm concerned. Wish I had tried the more often thing sooner!

    I know this is SOOOOOO LONG but I guess bottom line is change attitude, have more sex and you will be amazed. You've already been through a lot and put in the time, now reap the rewards. You can do it and I really hope this helps.

    One last thing, make sure you get yourself out of the house as often as possible. My daughter goes to school but it's Catholic school and I work part time there every day. Getting out and being accountable and needed to something other than my house and family was huge for me too (I used to work full time and because of being sick I couldn't and honestly I'll probably never be able to work full time again, but working part time gave me some purpose.) Not saying house and fam aren't a purpose but working gave me a little more. Maybe you can volunteer, or do something out of your comfort zone. Maybe church work or helping someone elderly. Reading at a senior center or at a library. Something you do daily to get out and about, that might help too.

    Again, I know this is long, but you wanted some help and here it is. THIS is all what has made a HUGE difference in my life, maybe it can do the same for you! Good luck!

Love & Marriage