My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year. We spent the almost the whole first year of our marriage apart. Lately he's had a horrible attitude. He lost his temper on me multiple times when he was home sick from work last week. He doesn't take his job seriously and I was informed yesterday that he expects perfection, He wants the woman that he dated, not the one that he's married to. He knows that I am survivor of sexual assault but he doesn't seem to realize that I escape my fears and my pain by compartmentalizing it and thus appearing extremely cool headed and logical so the people I care about won't reject me. He freaks out that I am a real human being. I have emotions, sometimes they aren't pretty, sometimes I don't agree with his beliefs. I have told him I have a problem with his drinking, it's not so much the fact that he drinks it's his cavalier attitude about it, like it is his right to do whatever he wants regardless of how it affects his family. He thinks he shouldn't have to compromise on anything, ever. He says we only fight about his drinking because I'm not ok with it and he feels attacked when I disagree with his decisions. He's told me flippantly "I'm not an alcoholic, I should be able to have a goddamn beer in my own house without my wife judging me for it and you're the one to blame if I turn into an alcoholic, you and your nagging" "yeah,it's probably a bad choice, yeah I shouldn't have done it, but it feels so damn good you bet I'm going to do it again."
I am trying to improve myself by learning a second language to start off with. I need a job because I hate being completely dependent on anyone, especially someone who has shown themselves in the past to be irresponsible. He does not want to talk about big issues ever.
He is a parent, he is husband, but I don't think he is acting like it. He whines when he doesn't have the money to go out and do whatever he wants. He gets upset when I tell him that his actions affect our marriage and our daughter. We have just started marriage counseling and he tells me he cares about my thoughts and my feelings, but whenever I am honest with him and tell him how I really feel it upsets him and he yells at me. I told him that I feel like his drinking comes between us, one time he drank a beer and then kissed me and I had a flashback of the rape. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like I am at least trying. I stay home with our daughter and I am working towards a masters degree.
Have any of you ever felt what I'm feeling, how did you cope with it? TIA
January 2, 2013 at 4:57 PM
There is a lot going on in this post. Because I don't have time to get into all of it, I'll boil it down to 1) you really need more counseling regarding your assault. It isn't fair to him that he can't have a beer because it makes you flash back to being assaulted. It also isn't fair to him that you compartmentalize your life, where does he fit? How does he feel about that? 2) He really needs to get a grip and drop the narcissism. He married you, not some Barbi doll that does and is perfect, but an actual human being. Also, my father used to get really mad at us kids or my mom if we cried/were upset about something. It wasn't that he was an asshole. It was because he couldn't handle the idea that things weren't perfect and he somehow felt like a failure because we were upset. I broke my arm once, with the bone sticking out, he screamed at me to stop crying saying it couldn't hurt that much. It was because he was upset and scared for me. I am not sure if that is happening with your husband or not, but if so, he needs to counseling or needs to come to terms with his own feelings so that he can support you, not tear you down.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope things somehow get better for you.
January 2, 2013 at 6:36 PM
Thanks for your response, I know I need to get more help coping with the assault. I didn't know my reaction to beer was as bad as it is. It was never an issue before because he never drank before he left for the army. I never had to deal with it before. It turns out he lied to me about the reason he didn't drink, it's because he had a bad experience involving alcohol with his ex, not because he truly didn't choose to drink (which is what he told me).
I compartmentalized everything before he left, but I'm letting myself feel, now that he's come home. I am trying to be real with him.
I guess another reason I am on edge is because it seems he can be cordial and pleasant to everyone but me lately. It hurts when I don't think I've done anything to provoke him, and it has nothing to do with alcohol, that he yells at me and insults me by implying that all I do all day is watch kids shows with our daughter. I really hope we can get this resolved because despite all the negative things I've said about him I still love him and feel like we're good for each other.
January 3, 2013 at 9:26 AM
How long was he gone? Was it just Basic and AIT or was it deployment? And how long has he been back? Some of the issues is getting reaquainted with life in the household again. Depending on how long he was gone (and how long he's now been home) your role in the household may have changed dramatically, therefore he came back in to a situation he didn't really recognize.That could also lead to his gruffness with you (please understand, I am not saying his attitude towards you is excusable, just trying to offer possible explanations so you can move forward as a couple).
by kagegirlJanuary 3, 2013 at 10:03 AM
He sounds like my ex. Classic alcoholic. It's never their fault, it's never their problem. A wise woman once told me, "It's their addiction, but it's our problem." Truer words were never spoken. My ex used to tell me I was the reason he was an alcoholic. HA! He was one before we met, during our marraige and even now is still a drunken loser. He would be an asshole to me so I would fight with him so he could have an excuse to drink. I mean, this man was a full on sociopath!!! I finally couldn't take it anymore and left. There is really nothing you can do to make him quit or even want to quit. He has to make that decision on his own, and it sounds to me like he isn't even close to that. All you can do is live YOUR life. Whether that is with him in it or not is your decision. I left after three years and not even four months later, realized the love of my life was staring me in the face for years. He was my best friend. Now we are getting married, and I just gave birth to our second child. DF is a recovering alcoholic. But he never told me that his drinking was my fault. He owned that shit! I almost left him too. That is when he decided to quit. We are at 11 months sober and he is doing great. He quit for our kids, for our marraige and most importantly, for himself. You want someone who will be willing to make that change for you. The fact that he doesn't seem to care about how you deal with things is alarming, simply because it means that he could care less about your feelings and he can do as he pleases. I am sorry you are going through this. Feel free to PM me anytime you need to bitch.
Agree you need counseling re: your assault.
So what's the issue with the drinking? Is it too much? I just ask because I like my wine and if my DH suddenly told me to stop drinking it I'd be pretty pissed at him. I don't abuse alcohol but I see no reason not to enjoy a bit here and there. Seems this is more your issue than his.
He should go to counseling for his anger though. Mine's been to anger management....twice. lol
As for his disregarding your feelings, I guess I have a different take on this. My DH is bipolar. He can only handle so much before it overwhelms him. As a result I suppress my emotions pretty darn well. When I need to cry or such I go to my mom and do it as my DH just isn't able to offer me that kind of support. While it's a bit disappointing it's not marriage ending. He offers me lots in other ways. So, find another emotional outlet if you can.
January 3, 2013 at 1:07 PMHe was only supposed to be gone Oct 2011 to march 2012 for AIT but he caught pneumonia and had to be recycled so he just came home in the middle of August. He has been more attentive to my needs since he came home from work yesterday he gave a backrub, did the dishes, and took out the trash. The drinking concerns me because now he prefers to drink something with a higher alcohol content and instead of just 1 beer like it was when he first got home it's now 2 beers and he sees nothing wrong with thinking he's ok to drive the car, with our daughter in it! I might be overreacting about the alcohol but I know I'm not overreacting about his anger problems and in my experience volatile temper plus alcohol is a bad combination.