Love & Marriage

tata113
When something traumatic happens to u or spouse member........ Advice
by tata113
December 29, 2012 at 4:37 AM

surrender My husband of 6+ years and I have a full plate with 4children under 5, 2have both types asthma, an adopted son exposed fetal alcohol and drugs with bipolar/manic depressive bio and my quirky super busy(too young to label ADHD) and compulsive.  I am pretty old fashioned in the basics; structure, healthy diet, little junk food, all educational tv or e electronics, teamwork and some responsibility..... Sounds more dramatic than it is. Anyways you can see I run pretty tight ship, with lots of love and quality time. I feel 25ft out of tree trying to get our children's kitty. so, with t12- l3 and l5 burst compression fracturesand also completely herniated my S1. I had immediate surgery with 8screws,2 rods and fusion. it's been 3weeks since surgery. I am strong willed, proud and tough(farmers daughter;)) I have done no need rest minus 2days total hospital stay. I am in so much pain at times I shake or vomit, but I look at my babies and fight through it. Have not missed a meal, appt, special moment or story time at night. My husband works his butt of, especially now with one income, when he gets home starts out great....... Then, it's the degrading, finger pointing, name calling, woe is he, how his life is all about me, says I do nothing all day, makes fun of me, hateful degrading and derogatory remarks. He has gone as far as telling our oldest(5) mind u looking in her eyes"I hate your mother" He lips off that I can't bend down into cupboards...... On and on. It's hard enough to have to let so many things go, I am actually starting to feel like I am just a nurse, even though I do not sit/rest until my babies in bed. He says I am wasted space, and not worth it. My children give me the strength every minute of the day, at night we pray, and I post to good that my willingness and daily struggles pain and all I keep on. I pray that my recovery is sooner and that my family can have three old me back! I beg and pay that my husband can see how much I do do and I not giving up, why should he....... Does it get better? 

Replies

  • Lindalou907
    December 29, 2012 at 5:56 AM

    Wow, what a jerk you married. Do you want your kids to think this is how women should be treated? I think you should get out now, why do you have babies with a guy like that?

  • frzmamaof4
    December 29, 2012 at 6:00 AM
    Sounds like a real asshole to me! Your in pain from surgery and he's being a dick! I wouldn't put up with that shit, he should be helping too!
  • TommyAbby
    December 29, 2012 at 8:30 AM

    Sorry.. your hubby is a prick. I am sure he is stressed with everything going on, but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.

    Can you have anyone come help you during the day so you can rest and heal properly? 

    And why didn't you call the fire dept to help get the kitty out of the tree ;) LOL

    And now that I type that, perhaps your hubby is pissed off that you climbed a tree to get a cat and now you are hurt. Does he think that you should have just waited for the cat to come down perhaps??? I would ask him that.. seriously. He may just be mad that (in his eyes) you made a stupid mistake and put your life at risk and are now hurt because of it???


  • preacherskid
    December 29, 2012 at 12:49 PM

    First things first, you need to take a rest.  Is there anyone, church member, neighbor, family that can come sit with the kids an hour a day so you can get off your still recovering back for a bit?  Te sooner you can recover the sooner you can get things back on track.

    Now for your husband.  I work full time.  Mine is the only income.  DH has a neurological deformity that has put him in a wheelchair.  Permanently.  You tell your husband he is LUCKY you will recover from your injury and you are able to take care of the family still.  We had to put our girls in daycare because DH can't care for himself, let alone two small children, and to be honest I am sometimes uncertain how long we will have him around.  As a "caretaker" I have a very low opinion of your husband.  Has he forgotten the part in the wedding vows where he promised to love, cherish, honor you in SICKNESS and in health?  Yes, this sort of situation is very stressful, and he is probably feeling overwhelmed, maybe even depressed.  I know I get depressed regularly looking at all that has to be done, wondering how DH's day has been, if he is in any shape to spend time with the girls.  His behavior is still inexcusable, beyond inexcusable.  I wish I could give him a piece of my mind for treating you like that, and telling your daughter that.  He needs to step back and re-evaluate how he is acting, because right now he is causing more stress for you than anything else.

    Your husband has got me all riled up now.  You really need to sit down with a neutral third party (mediation or counseling, your choice, can keep things on a civil level) to get to the bottom of why he is behaving this way, and what you can do together to get back on track.  How was he before your injury?  Is this a complete change, or did he have his rare moments before?

  • earthangel1967
    December 29, 2012 at 2:43 PM

    You are being verbally and emotionally ABUSED and on top of it your children are seeing that behavior as a role model of what they are going to grow up thinking marriage or serious relationships are like and the odds of them accepting such abuse from a s/o or becoming a domestic abuser rises dramatically no matter what you try to tell them to lead them away from that fact on the side, Children learn what they see not what you tell them.

    Do not think for one second that his treatment of you is YOUR fault in any way, someone who loves and respects you would be trying to help you and have compassion and care for what you are going thru not attacking you. If its not this it will be something else, this is HIS issue and his fault NOT yours!

    HUGS

  • Monsita
    by Monsita
    December 29, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    hugs

  • MomToovey
    December 29, 2012 at 5:06 PM

     If I can help it, I try never to offer leaving. However, what he's doing to you right now is emotional abuse. And the longer something isn't done, the worse it's going to get.

    I think of your children who are seeing this go down. Who are watching their father disrespect you, who are told from his very lips that he hates you. These children are going to grow up thinking this is what marriage is supposed to look like. They will either get themselves into the exact situation as you, or become their father. You said yourself that they are the reason you breathe (not in those words, but I could hear it from your post). If they truly mean as much to you as you say, and I believe they do, it's time to think about them. Save them from this environment. You know you don't want for them what you have. You know you can't keep them around him when he's like that. I understand that it's a very difficult thing to do, and it's much easier for me to say do it in the comfort of my own home, far away from any kind of abuse - but sometimes it takes an outsider looking in to show you what's really going on and how dangerous the situation really is. Yes, it's hard, but think of those children. Think of yourself. All of you, the whole family, are worse off the longer you stay.

    If you're unable to get a place for you and the kids right off the bat, and there are no friends or family who can take you in until you can get your feet off the ground, look into a women & children shelter. It's not ideal, but it has its advantages. 1) It's safer than at home 2) It's a roof over your head 3) It'll give you and the kids what you need until you're able to get your own place and provide for the family on your own.

    I will keep you and the family in my prayers. I wish you the best of luck.

  • PISCIS29
    December 29, 2012 at 6:23 PM
    I'm sorry but the moment dh degrades me i front of my kids it's off he'd better feta damn good lawyer cuz ill be taking him to the cleaners. You deserve much much much better mama. Good luck!
  • Serenity7
    December 29, 2012 at 6:28 PM

     That depends on you and your husband if things get better

  • wagners7
    December 29, 2012 at 8:36 PM

     You may be teaching your kids a lot of values and traditions, but mostly what your teaching them is how to be abused and mistreated.  Don't believe for one second the aweful things your husband is saying to you and about you.  You need to decide if this is the life you want and if the answer is no, then you need to figure out how to change it.  If it were me, I wouldn't put up with it, but with 5 kids I know that's easier said than done.  If you can't get him to see the damage that HE is doing to the family then you need to consider leaving.  Your injury is not a choice.  His attitude is.  He needs help, therapy, couseling or some sort of intervention, to realize what an ASS he is being. 

Love & Marriage