Love & Marriage

ashleigh24
Separation?? *small update* *another update** FINAL UPDATE!!!!!!
November 19, 2012 at 8:31 PM
Has anyone ever been through a separation and if so how did it work for you? Did the time apart help bring you closer together or further apart? My hubby and I are talking about doing it and I'm so confused with all my feelings. I know I don't want him to go but I don't want him or I unhappy :( Also what did you tell your kids? My dd is 6 so she will be asking where is he so I have no idea what to say. Any advice will help. Thanks in advance :)









UPDATE* so far we are still trying to find an apartment for him. Sucks that we have to spend all this money but I think we both need this. I finally got to the bottom of it and he thinks I'm not in love with him anymore. It really does make sense though. I am just so bored with life lately. I told him I really need to think about us and it is hard to do with him here. We have been through this crap way too much. I know you all don't know everything but for the last year or so it has been horrible. I'm miserable and just didn't want to admit it. I am really trying to think of myself now (I know selfish but if I don't know the truth then in another 6 months we will go through this again) and get to the bottom of this. I need to know if my heart is still in this marriage. I have started the love dare and it is really helping me so far =) I am just currently taking it day to day. Thanks everyone. I'll keep updating as we go along.





***UPDATE...We found my hubby a place where he can be a courtesy officer so rent is cheaper. Thank goodness. He left officially last night. Omg it was so hard for me :-( I didn't realize how much I really liked having him here. I'm all alone in my big ole bed and I hate it. I know I have to get use to it though. He signed a 6 month lease and after that he can do month to month. We hung out today though as a family still. He plans to come almost everyday anyways to see our dd but it is hard at night. Hopefully we can figure out what we want to do within 6 months because I don't think I can handle this for any longer than that. I'm doubting handling it for 6 months already. My dd just thinks he is at work or at the gym. We use both of those. He works a lot anyways so really she won't notice as much during the week. Only weekends will be hard. He is going to stay Christmas Eve and I'm actually really excited about that :-) I know silly but I think I'm realizing just how bad I treated him before :-( I'm stepping back and trying to see from his point of view and man I was not so nice. I want to be a good mother and wife. I need to slow down and stop stressing so much about little things. I'm learning so much about myself though. Thanks for reading this and letting me kinda vent. I've got to get this off my chest. I'll keep everyone updated. Still taking it day to day though.

FINAL UPDATE....we are divorcing! We finally realized that we were not happy with each other anymore. I am not in love with him and he is not in love with me. We both changed too much and don't like each other's new personalities. I tried to hide me for a long time. Tried to be someone I wasn't because I didn't want our marriage to fail but really that made things worse. I am sooooooo much happier now!! I've lost weight and I'm taking good care of myself. Love having plenty of time with my dd without all the stress of taken care of my grown ass husband. 14 more days and we will be legally divorced :-) I know usually divorce is sad and depressing but it really isn't for me. We told our dd Tuesday that he is living somewhere else for now. She is too young to go into details and the word divorce I think will scare her. She is taking it pretty good. She is excited about Greg's new place. She asked him if she could have a Justin bieber room there :-) lol love my baby girl. My stbxh and I are doing much better this way though honestly!! He is absorbed in work and I am having fun with my daycare kids and my dd. I love my job and my life soooo much! I didn't know I could be this happy without a man!!!!!!!! Life is great!!! Never thought I would be this happy when I'm getting a divorce!! Lol o well shit happens and this is my new life and I'm starting over and becoming an independent woman!!!!

Replies

  • ashleigh24
    November 21, 2012 at 1:47 PM
    I thought this too but if we don't have a break one of us might go crazy with all this talking/arguing/fighting :( I'm very emotional and cry a lot so I need a break from that. I just want us happy and if we aren't happy together then so be it but that is what we are trying to figure out. We want to see if we are better off apart or if we miss each other and want to be together.

    Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

    In my opinion, all separation does is separate you. If you want to save the relationship, you have to work on living and working together, and you can't do that as well when you are living separately. If he's not totally against counseling, insist on it.
  • ashleigh24
    November 21, 2012 at 1:50 PM
    I think I'm gonna start out with counseling for myself and maybe one day he will join me.

    Quoting ashleigh24:

    I thought this too but if we don't have a break one of us might go crazy with all this talking/arguing/fighting :( I'm very emotional and cry a lot so I need a break from that. I just want us happy and if we aren't happy together then so be it but that is what we are trying to figure out. We want to see if we are better off apart or if we miss each other and want to be together.



    Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

    In my opinion, all separation does is separate you. If you want to save the relationship, you have to work on living and working together, and you can't do that as well when you are living separately. If he's not totally against counseling, insist on it.
  • jmjdj
    by jmjdj
    November 21, 2012 at 3:32 PM


    Quoting ashleigh24:

    Wow!!! Big huge hugs for you momma!!! You are very strong person going through all that. I'm so sorry for your loss :( I'm.glad you got away from your hubby I know that was hard though even with him being that way. No one wants to break up a family but sometimes you have to. I agree with you on every situation being different and not all have to end in divorce. I hope we can work through our problems. I just am so worried about telling my dd. I'm hoping we can come up with something to tell her to prevent her from hurting until we know for sure we are divorcing. This is her family and all she has ever known. My hubby does work a lot though so she only really sees him on the weekends and at night. He says he plans on coming to put her to bed some nights which makes me happy. I don't see this ending badly if we do get a divorce. I hope not but nobody wants a divorce but it is sometimes the best option. I know he will always be here for me and my dd no matter what. He is just that type of guy. Which is one of the main reasons I married him. He is a great guy. I'm hurt but I really think this is best for us right now

    Thank you!  We are all strong people....we may not know just how strong we are until being strong is the only option! 

    Kids are very resilient.  I don't want you to think I'm telling you to lie to your daughter, but I think I read that she is only 6 or so??  At that age, they don't comprehend what is going on very well no matter how clear and concise you try to be.  My boys were 13 and 11 when all of this happened and even they didn't completely understand it all...and it didn't help that my ex gave them conflicting information. 

    If you guys decide to separate and think it's best to have a sit down talk with her, I would be as brief as possible and give her as little information as possible.  If you all separate and then work everything out, she will be none the wiser and won't be worried in the future if the two of you disagree (which will happen) on anything that this will happen again.  Also, if you tell her too much, she will worry until a decision is made and that's hard on her.  It is important for you and your DH to present a united front and both be on the same page.  She needs to hear the same thing from both of you all the time.  This is extremely important!!  Depending on how long you plan to separate and to what extent, you can modify what you tell her.  For example, if he will be moving his stuff out of the house, you will need to tell her more than if he doesn't.  If not, you can say daddy is working late and we will see him this weekend, etc.  Buy yourself some time before you give her the details....kids don't understand adult feelings and emotions or relationships.

    Hope this helps you a little.  You are welcome to PM me if you need to talk.

  • ashleigh24
    November 21, 2012 at 3:56 PM
    Yes it helps a lot!! I was thinking maybe we could give her as little info as possible until we know we are divorcing then of course only tell her we won't me living together anymore. I hate including kids on info that could hurt their childhood. Children are suppose to have fun and not stress or worry about anything. I think I'll talk to my hubby tonight and tell him we are telling her your working late. We both didn't want to tell her anything yet. He has to tell his mom only because she lives right down the road and worries about him even when he comes home late. He is hoping to get a room at a buddy's apt. until we figure out what we both want.

    Quoting jmjdj:



    Quoting ashleigh24:

    Wow!!! Big huge hugs for you momma!!! You are very strong person going through all that. I'm so sorry for your loss :( I'm.glad you got away from your hubby I know that was hard though even with him being that way. No one wants to break up a family but sometimes you have to. I agree with you on every situation being different and not all have to end in divorce. I hope we can work through our problems. I just am so worried about telling my dd. I'm hoping we can come up with something to tell her to prevent her from hurting until we know for sure we are divorcing. This is her family and all she has ever known. My hubby does work a lot though so she only really sees him on the weekends and at night. He says he plans on coming to put her to bed some nights which makes me happy. I don't see this ending badly if we do get a divorce. I hope not but nobody wants a divorce but it is sometimes the best option. I know he will always be here for me and my dd no matter what. He is just that type of guy. Which is one of the main reasons I married him. He is a great guy. I'm hurt but I really think this is best for us right now

    Thank you!  We are all strong people....we may not know just how strong we are until being strong is the only option! 


    Kids are very resilient.  I don't want you to think I'm telling you to lie to your daughter, but I think I read that she is only 6 or so??  At that age, they don't comprehend what is going on very well no matter how clear and concise you try to be.  My boys were 13 and 11 when all of this happened and even they didn't completely understand it all...and it didn't help that my ex gave them conflicting information. 


    If you guys decide to separate and think it's best to have a sit down talk with her, I would be as brief as possible and give her as little information as possible.  If you all separate and then work everything out, she will be none the wiser and won't be worried in the future if the two of you disagree (which will happen) on anything that this will happen again.  Also, if you tell her too much, she will worry until a decision is made and that's hard on her.  It is important for you and your DH to present a united front and both be on the same page.  She needs to hear the same thing from both of you all the time.  This is extremely important!!  Depending on how long you plan to separate and to what extent, you can modify what you tell her.  For example, if he will be moving his stuff out of the house, you will need to tell her more than if he doesn't.  If not, you can say daddy is working late and we will see him this weekend, etc.  Buy yourself some time before you give her the details....kids don't understand adult feelings and emotions or relationships.


    Hope this helps you a little.  You are welcome to PM me if you need to talk.

  • 3xangel
    by 3xangel
    November 21, 2012 at 5:16 PM
    I wouldn't suggest it. IMO, marriage counseling & individual counseling works much better than separation. Being apart when you're already on bad terms dies not help the situation at all and it's just adding more stress to an already fragile relationship.
  • ashleigh24
    November 21, 2012 at 5:19 PM
    Thanks but we have made up our minds already and we are thinking this is our best option right now. If it don't work out them I guess it wasn't meant to be then :( I can't make someone stay if they don't want to.

    Quoting 3xangel:

    I wouldn't suggest it. IMO, marriage counseling & individual counseling works much better than separation. Being apart when you're already on bad terms dies not help the situation at all and it's just adding more stress to an already fragile relationship.
  • 3xangel
    by 3xangel
    November 21, 2012 at 5:20 PM
    Hugs and good luck!

    Quoting ashleigh24:

    Thanks but we have made up our minds already and we are thinking this is our best option right now. If it don't work out them I guess it wasn't meant to be then :( I can't make someone stay if they don't want to.



    Quoting 3xangel:

    I wouldn't suggest it. IMO, marriage counseling & individual counseling works much better than separation. Being apart when you're already on bad terms dies not help the situation at all and it's just adding more stress to an already fragile relationship.
  • ashleigh24
    November 21, 2012 at 5:22 PM
    Thank you so much!! Yes I do love him and will be sad without him but I have to be strong for my baby girl and I know we will be just fine if we do decide to divorce.

    Quoting 3xangel:

    Hugs and good luck!



    Quoting ashleigh24:

    Thanks but we have made up our minds already and we are thinking this is our best option right now. If it don't work out them I guess it wasn't meant to be then :( I can't make someone stay if they don't want to.





    Quoting 3xangel:

    I wouldn't suggest it. IMO, marriage counseling & individual counseling works much better than separation. Being apart when you're already on bad terms dies not help the situation at all and it's just adding more stress to an already fragile relationship.

Love & Marriage