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esmeralda1
For Those Who Had Major Issues in Their Marriage. UPDATE
November 12, 2012 at 10:01 PM

DH and I have been best friends since the age of 3. Together for 15 years married nearly 7. We have three beautiful children. We have had our share of problems but, nothing to this magnitude.

DH was a touring musician for the past 9 years or so. He absolutely loved it. Performing is his way of expression.  He gave it over the end of this past summer so he could be with the kids and me more.  Things at first were going great.  The kids were happy that their father was home and so was I.

Lately however, everything has turned for the worst. DH is miserable at his job as a studio musician.  Last night we fought something fierece. It started when I lost is some when he turned me down for sex again. We haven't had sex in two months. He told me that I was holding him back.  That he had opportunities musically that he didnt take because of me and the kids. He quickly realized what he said and apologized. However, it seemed to linger and stung so much to me. We have spoken since then. He slept out on his hammock last night. He is doing it again tonight. I am little worried about him because it is freezing outside. I think is going through some severe depression. He has had a terrible life and somehow he blames me for taking away the thing that helped heal him. However, I never once asked him to stop, I fully supported him. 

I miss the guy who used to come through my bedroom windwow when we were kids and all I needed to do was hold him and protect him from his crackhead parents.  I miss the man who loved me with all of his being.

What were the major issues in your marriage? How did you get through them? I need your help ladies. I am affraid my best friend is pulling away from me.

We came to an agreement that he would start his band back up.  He will start seeing a therapist. After almost a week not sharing a bed that is all about the end tonight :)

Replies

  • StrawberryCool
    November 13, 2012 at 10:32 PM

    then make him listen. 

    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    talk talk talk talk talk talk. 

    our major right now is his mothers side of the family.  

    i can't stand them, and he refuses to put his foot down with them. 

    but you need to talk talk talk talk.

    Its hard to talk. If he ignores me. 


  • 3xangel
    by 3xangel
    November 13, 2012 at 10:55 PM
    I'm sorry, but I see it as your husband is being selfish. Having a healthy family unit involves everyone having to compromise and give something up for the betterment of the family. You and the children sacrificed for 9 years while he lived out his dream, now it's his turn to sacrifice music for his family. I get it. My husband is a bandsman and loves music to his core, but he would gladly put music to the side for us if need be.

    We married young and had to grow up together and that is very difficult, but we take it a day at a time. 5 years later we are doing much better and communication and selflessness is the key.
  • 3xangel
    by 3xangel
    November 13, 2012 at 10:56 PM
    Eta: I highly suggest marriage counseling
  • missy-mae
    November 13, 2012 at 11:29 PM
    We read it with a pink and blue highlighter to highlight what was important to us andvthen went back and read each chapter to see what each other felt was important


    Quoting TheJs:

    i read the 5 love languages book, and then made him read it. it has made a world of difference in our marriage.

  • maybe80
    by maybe80
    November 14, 2012 at 7:36 AM
    Your best friend is lashing out at you. Your husband who you are supposed to trust is causing you pain.

    Please step back and use your tools as a counselor. Neglect is a form of abuse. He's ignoring you.

    He's trying to manipulate you into feeling like it is your fault that he might have missed out on a musical "breakthrough" or whatever.

    He is angry. Let him be angry for awhile. You can handle it because you know that after anger he can process his feelings better.

    If it gets to be too long and you feel less love for him and you realize that you and your children aren't in his best interest; he needs to go.

    You don't have to live your life with someone who resents you.

    Sorry babe!

  • esmeralda1
    November 16, 2012 at 6:28 PM


    Quoting addiesmommy1109:

    I know what you are going through. My husband was in a band, and then I got pregnant, we got married, the band broke up because apparently they couldn't handle his life not revolving around them. A few weeks after they broke up they got offered some really big opportunities. The guys couldn't be mature enough to get back together and fulfill the dream though. My husband still to this day (it's been almost 4 years now) is upset about it. Music is his thing, his escape, his everything. I fully support that but it's not as easy now for him. It's tough :/

    How do you deal with it? 

  • esmeralda1
    November 16, 2012 at 6:30 PM


    Quoting 3xangel:

    I'm sorry, but I see it as your husband is being selfish. Having a healthy family unit involves everyone having to compromise and give something up for the betterment of the family. You and the children sacrificed for 9 years while he lived out his dream, now it's his turn to sacrifice music for his family. I get it. My husband is a bandsman and loves music to his core, but he would gladly put music to the side for us if need be.

    We married young and had to grow up together and that is very difficult, but we take it a day at a time. 5 years later we are doing much better and communication and selflessness is the key.

    Thats the thing he decided to quit on his own. He did it for his family. A couple months later he is doing a total 180. 

  • esmeralda1
    November 16, 2012 at 6:31 PM

    We are still having problems. I went to try talk to him earlier today and he told me to F off.  I have suggested counseling both for him and us, He is unwilling. 

  • furbabymum
    November 16, 2012 at 6:53 PM

     Well I've written this before but our major issue was that my DH was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. He had horrid "episodes" followed by severe depression in which he'd try to convince me to divorce him. He also cheated.

    We got counseling and a hell of a lot of it. We are still in marriage counseling though we only go once a month now. It's WONDERFUL!

  • furbabymum
    November 16, 2012 at 6:57 PM

     Ah, sorry. That would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds ridiculous to most I'm sure but if my DH ever refused counseling I'd figure there is no reason for me to stick around. One person can't fix a relationship. Both people have to be willing to try.

    He does probably have a negative view on counseling. You can try telling him that it's really not that bad. My DH and I tried out several counselors before finding one we liked. One guy we went to blamed everything on my DH. I told him I could do that without having to pay someone and we found someone else.

    I'd ask him to simply try it. 1 or 2 session of marriage counseling and try to do your research before picking. Talk to them on the phone a bit before you schedule a session and good luck!

    Quoting esmeralda1:

    We are still having problems. I went to try talk to him earlier today and he told me to F off.  I have suggested counseling both for him and us, He is unwilling. 

     

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