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esmeralda1
For Those Who Had Major Issues in Their Marriage. UPDATE
November 12, 2012 at 10:01 PM

DH and I have been best friends since the age of 3. Together for 15 years married nearly 7. We have three beautiful children. We have had our share of problems but, nothing to this magnitude.

DH was a touring musician for the past 9 years or so. He absolutely loved it. Performing is his way of expression.  He gave it over the end of this past summer so he could be with the kids and me more.  Things at first were going great.  The kids were happy that their father was home and so was I.

Lately however, everything has turned for the worst. DH is miserable at his job as a studio musician.  Last night we fought something fierece. It started when I lost is some when he turned me down for sex again. We haven't had sex in two months. He told me that I was holding him back.  That he had opportunities musically that he didnt take because of me and the kids. He quickly realized what he said and apologized. However, it seemed to linger and stung so much to me. We have spoken since then. He slept out on his hammock last night. He is doing it again tonight. I am little worried about him because it is freezing outside. I think is going through some severe depression. He has had a terrible life and somehow he blames me for taking away the thing that helped heal him. However, I never once asked him to stop, I fully supported him. 

I miss the guy who used to come through my bedroom windwow when we were kids and all I needed to do was hold him and protect him from his crackhead parents.  I miss the man who loved me with all of his being.

What were the major issues in your marriage? How did you get through them? I need your help ladies. I am affraid my best friend is pulling away from me.

We came to an agreement that he would start his band back up.  He will start seeing a therapist. After almost a week not sharing a bed that is all about the end tonight :)

Replies

  • mustloveanimals
    November 13, 2012 at 10:08 AM

    Oh sweetie, I hope it works out for y'all. My DH and I are not good at communicating so our rough patch is ongoing. Our communication goes this way: I talk, he sits there, then I finally give up. If I cry he'll listen but I do not believe I should have to play some sort of game to get him to be an active participant in a serious conversation about our relationship. I am certain you will get through to your husband and the two of you will find a solution that works.

  • DakotaHaley
    November 13, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    I don't have any advice as I haven't been in your shoes and I can only imagine it is hard.

       I do suggest to try talking to him openly and honestly and see what that does for you guys. Marriage is never easy and there will be times of harship, but just hang in there.

        Like I said try talking and  if he is depressed he might need some help from a professional, but getting him to admit that he might need help could be hard.

       Just be quick to listen and slow to speak. Watch your words cause they can hurt and just let him know your there for him and love him through your words and actions. Who knows maybe he will come around and be able to talk about what is bothering him. 

  • jett286
    by jett286
    November 13, 2012 at 12:19 PM


    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting jett286:

    He sounds depressed.  He needs to find some way to find his music again.  How can you help him do that?  It's odd I  know to keep pushing through even when you feel rejected....Keep loving him, don't push him away, allow him his space....but do NOT stop talking to him...communication is very important but try to make it about HIM for now... and not about your needs (yes you have needs and yes you can bring them up, but get him through his depression)....I struggle to in my marriage...my husband is disabled, and I have had to quit my work, my career and jsut about everything that brings joy to ME....it's NOT his fault, but I know I struggle with drepression and need to figure it out.  We've been together since we were 17 years old.  almost 30 years.  Married for 24 1/2 ...when he is depressed I have to allow him time to process and yet support him and figure out how to help him....Good luck..  it's a difficult time....but sometimes we need put our thoughts/needs aside and put our s/o first for a while it will even out eventually....Usually!

    Thanks for the advice. I felt very selfish when I jumped on him about my needs. 

    Don't feel selfish..  Your needs are just as important, it's about timing....and it seems he may be depressed, now if he's just being a petulant baby, there is a difference.  It's ok to put your needs on the back burner for a bit if he's dealing with issues, but not forever and not saying you don't matter, cuz that's just going to breed resentment on your part which will destroy a relationship.  Finding balance is key and it's difficult..  Good luck..


  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 9:59 PM


    Quoting DakotaHaley:

    I don't have any advice as I haven't been in your shoes and I can only imagine it is hard.

       I do suggest to try talking to him openly and honestly and see what that does for you guys. Marriage is never easy and there will be times of harship, but just hang in there.

        Like I said try talking and  if he is depressed he might need some help from a professional, but getting him to admit that he might need help could be hard.

       Just be quick to listen and slow to speak. Watch your words cause they can hurt and just let him know your there for him and love him through your words and actions. Who knows maybe he will come around and be able to talk about what is bothering him. 


  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 10:02 PM


    Quoting DakotaHaley:

    I don't have any advice as I haven't been in your shoes and I can only imagine it is hard.

       I do suggest to try talking to him openly and honestly and see what that does for you guys. Marriage is never easy and there will be times of harship, but just hang in there.

        Like I said try talking and  if he is depressed he might need some help from a professional, but getting him to admit that he might need help could be hard.

       Just be quick to listen and slow to speak. Watch your words cause they can hurt and just let him know your there for him and love him through your words and actions. Who knows maybe he will come around and be able to talk about what is bothering him. 

    The ironic thing I am a professional. I am a marriage and family counselor. I suggested to DH that he might want to see someone. He shot me down before I could finish the sentence.  

  • StrawberryCool
    November 13, 2012 at 10:07 PM

    talk talk talk talk talk talk. 

    our major right now is his mothers side of the family.  

    i can't stand them, and he refuses to put his foot down with them. 

    but you need to talk talk talk talk.

  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 10:09 PM


    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    talk talk talk talk talk talk. 

    our major right now is his mothers side of the family.  

    i can't stand them, and he refuses to put his foot down with them. 

    but you need to talk talk talk talk.

    Its hard to talk. If he ignores me. 

  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 10:10 PM
    I am getting pretty discouraged. The man has said maybe 10 words to me in the last couple days. He is still warm to the kids but, to me he is cold as ice
  • addiesmommy1109
    November 13, 2012 at 10:13 PM
    I know what you are going through. My husband was in a band, and then I got pregnant, we got married, the band broke up because apparently they couldn't handle his life not revolving around them. A few weeks after they broke up they got offered some really big opportunities. The guys couldn't be mature enough to get back together and fulfill the dream though. My husband still to this day (it's been almost 4 years now) is upset about it. Music is his thing, his escape, his everything. I fully support that but it's not as easy now for him. It's tough :/
  • mirm99
    by mirm99
    November 13, 2012 at 10:23 PM
    Ooh momma let me start by saying I'm sorry your going through this tough time but it will pass momma... Just hang in there..

    Well here's my story dh and I met when I was 17 he was 19... Weave in together rather quickly and I got pregnant by 19 had our first son by 20 and got pregnant again 6mo later w our baby girl... So here we are both young w 2 kids so he left to an academy in another state during my last trimester of our dd pregnancy.. And w came back to marry me when I was 9 mo pregnant and left again... So by the time he graduated our dd was 1mo old and we were newlywed and that's when our hell began... We fought constantly and separated by the time my dd was only 9mo old.. We began dating other people And sure enough he knocked up some girl when our dd was only 11mo old... I though we were over.. I felt the worse ever but sure enough he called me crying so many times saying how much he missed our family ad of course so did I.. So we gave I another try.. We bought a house and the pregnant ex didn't wan to give up on her new family so she wouldn't leave him or me alone... So of course we didn't last.. I moved out again and filed for divorce.... He reconciled w his pregnant ex and I got a new place for my kids and I.. THey had their baby in my home(we were still legally married) and I had to share custody of my kids w dh an this woman.. It was awful and so painful to do.. Well they ended up splitting up few weeks after their dd birth and our divorce was still in progress he obviously begged for me back for months... And I missed him just as much if not even more than he claimed but I didn't want to lfoegive him.. Our children weren't doing good w our separation so I began I withhold the children from him(in my head I was helping them at the time).. And all this Time dh kept begging me to take him back.. I took him back as a friend for our childrens sake but that was it we still lived in our separate homes and only hung out when our children were around "for our children's sake" lol I guess u can say w fell back in love overtime or the love I had for him was bigger than the hate I had bc a week before our final divorce court appearance we decided to cancel it and give our family another try.. It was honestly like dating all over again but w kids bc he's a different person than the person I married a better improved person... I think all that happened to us made us closer stronger and even though no one though we wouldn't last here we are 4yrs in and stronger than ever... And I'm sure your wondering what happened to the ex and their baby... She's still crazy she tried to he in between us for 2yrs and finally gave up... We have joint custody of sd alternate weeks w her mom And I treat her just like she one of my kids...

    So I guess my advice is momma as long as theirs love to never give up!... Communicate!.. Ad I mean a lot!.. DH and I talk so much now it's insane but good we talk about everything.. We confide in each other and lean on each other!.. So talk to him momma go and ask him what's wrong even if he says the wrong things at first bc he will he's a man lol explain to him that it hurts u too let him know how you feel and tell him to tell u how he feels And change whatever isn't working... Good luck momma!!

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