Love & Marriage

esmeralda1
For Those Who Had Major Issues in Their Marriage. UPDATE
November 12, 2012 at 10:01 PM

DH and I have been best friends since the age of 3. Together for 15 years married nearly 7. We have three beautiful children. We have had our share of problems but, nothing to this magnitude.

DH was a touring musician for the past 9 years or so. He absolutely loved it. Performing is his way of expression.  He gave it over the end of this past summer so he could be with the kids and me more.  Things at first were going great.  The kids were happy that their father was home and so was I.

Lately however, everything has turned for the worst. DH is miserable at his job as a studio musician.  Last night we fought something fierece. It started when I lost is some when he turned me down for sex again. We haven't had sex in two months. He told me that I was holding him back.  That he had opportunities musically that he didnt take because of me and the kids. He quickly realized what he said and apologized. However, it seemed to linger and stung so much to me. We have spoken since then. He slept out on his hammock last night. He is doing it again tonight. I am little worried about him because it is freezing outside. I think is going through some severe depression. He has had a terrible life and somehow he blames me for taking away the thing that helped heal him. However, I never once asked him to stop, I fully supported him. 

I miss the guy who used to come through my bedroom windwow when we were kids and all I needed to do was hold him and protect him from his crackhead parents.  I miss the man who loved me with all of his being.

What were the major issues in your marriage? How did you get through them? I need your help ladies. I am affraid my best friend is pulling away from me.

We came to an agreement that he would start his band back up.  He will start seeing a therapist. After almost a week not sharing a bed that is all about the end tonight :)

Replies

  • esmeralda1
    November 12, 2012 at 11:06 PM

    BUMP!

  • Shelly123
    November 12, 2012 at 11:12 PM

    hugsGood Luck

  • beaugrl0824
    November 12, 2012 at 11:13 PM
    Communication, communication, communication... We hit a rough patch a couple years ago.

    I moved out and we separated. I started dating again and so did he. Fast forward a couple months. The guy I was seeing flipped shit on me and beat me. I cried on dh's shoulder and I knew we were supposed to be together. We took things slow and dated again fell in love again. We started counselling and things have been good since.
  • boshs1andonly
    November 12, 2012 at 11:17 PM

    Dh and I have known each other since we were 10 and we've been together since we were 16 (11 years in January). So we've had our share of rough times. To get through it, you just have to communicate. Dh isn't the easiest person to talk to though. One time he was acting so distant and when I asked him if everything was okay, he said yes. But that's not how he was acting so I finally told him, "Clearly something's wrong, so either tell me about it so we can work it out, or get better at pretending that nothing's wrong because I'm getting tired of being treated this way. It can be rough. And I know what you mean about that comment, even though he took it back, it still hurt and i'm sure its still in the back of your mind. Dh said some pretty harsh stuff when we were going through our rough spot and I'd be lying if I said some of that doesn't come back to me once in a while. But I try to focus on the positives. Can I ask, if you didn't ask him to stop, why the sudden change in his career? Because even if you didn't ask him to, if he felt like he "had no choice" he might resent you for it (not that it's right for him to treat you that way, just suggesting a possible explanation for his behavior). 

  • esmeralda1
    November 12, 2012 at 11:18 PM


    Quoting beaugrl0824:

    Communication, communication, communication... We hit a rough patch a couple years ago.

    I moved out and we separated. I started dating again and so did he. Fast forward a couple months. The guy I was seeing flipped shit on me and beat me. I cried on dh's shoulder and I knew we were supposed to be together. We took things slow and dated again fell in love again. We started counselling and things have been good since.

    I went out to try to talk him in to coming inside. He ignored me. Its freezing outside and he is just laid out on his hammock staring at the sky

  • TheJs
    by TheJs
    November 12, 2012 at 11:24 PM
    i read the 5 love languages book, and then made him read it. it has made a world of difference in our marriage.
  • jett286
    by jett286
    November 12, 2012 at 11:30 PM

    He sounds depressed.  He needs to find some way to find his music again.  How can you help him do that?  It's odd I  know to keep pushing through even when you feel rejected....Keep loving him, don't push him away, allow him his space....but do NOT stop talking to him...communication is very important but try to make it about HIM for now... and not about your needs (yes you have needs and yes you can bring them up, but get him through his depression)....I struggle to in my marriage...my husband is disabled, and I have had to quit my work, my career and jsut about everything that brings joy to ME....it's NOT his fault, but I know I struggle with drepression and need to figure it out.  We've been together since we were 17 years old.  almost 30 years.  Married for 24 1/2 ...when he is depressed I have to allow him time to process and yet support him and figure out how to help him....Good luck..  it's a difficult time....but sometimes we need put our thoughts/needs aside and put our s/o first for a while it will even out eventually....Usually!

  • MixedCooke
    November 13, 2012 at 2:06 AM

    Anyway he can go back to what he was doing and still carve out enough to be with you and the kids?

  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 9:46 AM


    Quoting jett286:

    He sounds depressed.  He needs to find some way to find his music again.  How can you help him do that?  It's odd I  know to keep pushing through even when you feel rejected....Keep loving him, don't push him away, allow him his space....but do NOT stop talking to him...communication is very important but try to make it about HIM for now... and not about your needs (yes you have needs and yes you can bring them up, but get him through his depression)....I struggle to in my marriage...my husband is disabled, and I have had to quit my work, my career and jsut about everything that brings joy to ME....it's NOT his fault, but I know I struggle with drepression and need to figure it out.  We've been together since we were 17 years old.  almost 30 years.  Married for 24 1/2 ...when he is depressed I have to allow him time to process and yet support him and figure out how to help him....Good luck..  it's a difficult time....but sometimes we need put our thoughts/needs aside and put our s/o first for a while it will even out eventually....Usually!

    Thanks for the advice. I felt very selfish when I jumped on him about my needs. 

  • esmeralda1
    November 13, 2012 at 9:47 AM


    Quoting MixedCooke:

    Anyway he can go back to what he was doing and still carve out enough to be with you and the kids?

    Possibly. I will suggest this to him

Love & Marriage