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esmeralda1
For Those Who Had Major Issues in Their Marriage. UPDATE
November 12, 2012 at 10:01 PM

DH and I have been best friends since the age of 3. Together for 15 years married nearly 7. We have three beautiful children. We have had our share of problems but, nothing to this magnitude.

DH was a touring musician for the past 9 years or so. He absolutely loved it. Performing is his way of expression.  He gave it over the end of this past summer so he could be with the kids and me more.  Things at first were going great.  The kids were happy that their father was home and so was I.

Lately however, everything has turned for the worst. DH is miserable at his job as a studio musician.  Last night we fought something fierece. It started when I lost is some when he turned me down for sex again. We haven't had sex in two months. He told me that I was holding him back.  That he had opportunities musically that he didnt take because of me and the kids. He quickly realized what he said and apologized. However, it seemed to linger and stung so much to me. We have spoken since then. He slept out on his hammock last night. He is doing it again tonight. I am little worried about him because it is freezing outside. I think is going through some severe depression. He has had a terrible life and somehow he blames me for taking away the thing that helped heal him. However, I never once asked him to stop, I fully supported him. 

I miss the guy who used to come through my bedroom windwow when we were kids and all I needed to do was hold him and protect him from his crackhead parents.  I miss the man who loved me with all of his being.

What were the major issues in your marriage? How did you get through them? I need your help ladies. I am affraid my best friend is pulling away from me.

We came to an agreement that he would start his band back up.  He will start seeing a therapist. After almost a week not sharing a bed that is all about the end tonight :)

Replies

  • hippiechik3
    November 16, 2012 at 7:04 PM

    My DH an I went through the same type of deal. Soultion? My man is going back to work for the job he loves. He was gone alot but I think thats what made our realationship so good. We are both happy now that he is going back to what he loves.

  • esmeralda1
    November 17, 2012 at 12:39 PM


    Quoting furbabymum:

     Well I've written this before but our major issue was that my DH was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. He had horrid "episodes" followed by severe depression in which he'd try to convince me to divorce him. He also cheated.

    We got counseling and a hell of a lot of it. We are still in marriage counseling though we only go once a month now. It's WONDERFUL!

    Well DH is also diagnosed with bipoloar disorder as well as PTSD. He had a horrific childhood filled with severe physical abuse and neglect.  He is pretty damaged which is why i havent left him yet. I know that he has been living with a lot of pain and resentment. He also has abndonment issues  and I am not ready to be another person to leave him.  I love this man. He has been my best friend since my earliest memories. He has been my rock so many times before. Its my turn to be his. Its just so hard right now


  • MomToovey
    November 17, 2012 at 1:07 PM
    This. Good luck

    Quoting jett286:

    He sounds depressed.  He needs to find some way to find his music again.  How can you help him do that?  It's odd I  know to keep pushing through even when you feel rejected....Keep loving him, don't push him away, allow him his space....but do NOT stop talking to him...communication is very important but try to make it about HIM for now... and not about your needs (yes you have needs and yes you can bring them up, but get him through his depression)....I struggle to in my marriage...my husband is disabled, and I have had to quit my work, my career and jsut about everything that brings joy to ME....it's NOT his fault, but I know I struggle with drepression and need to figure it out.  We've been together since we were 17 years old.  almost 30 years.  Married for 24 1/2 ...when he is depressed I have to allow him time to process and yet support him and figure out how to help him....Good luck..  it's a difficult time....but sometimes we need put our thoughts/needs aside and put our s/o first for a while it will even out eventually....Usually!

  • mmyof2armywife
    November 17, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    My major issues were abuse so I'm not much help :(

  • furbabymum
    November 17, 2012 at 3:32 PM

    Is he taking medication and going to counseling for it?? My DH is doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with one of this therapists. It's really, really helped.

    I understand your staying. I stayed for 5 years before I delivered an ultimatum. I'm just thankful he's been so wonderful seeking treatment. I just don't want you and your kids being a prisoner to his moods. You can't fix him, he needs to go fix himself.

    Also remember, Bipolar isn't genetically linked yet though it does pass through families. There is a school of thought that kids actually learn this from their parents. So, you really need him doing something so he doesn't pass this on to your kids.

    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting furbabymum:

     Well I've written this before but our major issue was that my DH was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. He had horrid "episodes" followed by severe depression in which he'd try to convince me to divorce him. He also cheated.

    We got counseling and a hell of a lot of it. We are still in marriage counseling though we only go once a month now. It's WONDERFUL!

    Well DH is also diagnosed with bipoloar disorder as well as PTSD. He had a horrific childhood filled with severe physical abuse and neglect.  He is pretty damaged which is why i havent left him yet. I know that he has been living with a lot of pain and resentment. He also has abndonment issues  and I am not ready to be another person to leave him.  I love this man. He has been my best friend since my earliest memories. He has been my rock so many times before. Its my turn to be his. Its just so hard right now



  • esmeralda1
    November 17, 2012 at 5:23 PM


    Quoting furbabymum:

    Is he taking medication and going to counseling for it?? My DH is doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with one of this therapists. It's really, really helped.

    I understand your staying. I stayed for 5 years before I delivered an ultimatum. I'm just thankful he's been so wonderful seeking treatment. I just don't want you and your kids being a prisoner to his moods. You can't fix him, he needs to go fix himself.

    Also remember, Bipolar isn't genetically linked yet though it does pass through families. There is a school of thought that kids actually learn this from their parents. So, you really need him doing something so he doesn't pass this on to your kids.

    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting furbabymum:

     Well I've written this before but our major issue was that my DH was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. He had horrid "episodes" followed by severe depression in which he'd try to convince me to divorce him. He also cheated.

    We got counseling and a hell of a lot of it. We are still in marriage counseling though we only go once a month now. It's WONDERFUL!

    Well DH is also diagnosed with bipoloar disorder as well as PTSD. He had a horrific childhood filled with severe physical abuse and neglect.  He is pretty damaged which is why i havent left him yet. I know that he has been living with a lot of pain and resentment. He also has abndonment issues  and I am not ready to be another person to leave him.  I love this man. He has been my best friend since my earliest memories. He has been my rock so many times before. Its my turn to be his. Its just so hard right now



    Thank you. I agree I need to make sure he doesnt continue to model the behavior to our children.  I told him that i want hime to start his band back up. i realize more than anything that he neeeds his music. I also explained to him that he  needs to seek counseling and if necessary see a psychiatrist. He is not medicated. He has been against taking medication because he thinks if he does that it will lead to substance abuse which his parents both struggled with.  He said he wanted to be here for me and the kids. That is too much of a burden on me for him to be gone a lot.  I said he isnt doing anygood for me or the kids if he was going to be sulking around all the time. I told him that if he decided not too that he would have to go get counseling that  it would create a riff between us that may never be fixable. He is thinking it all over right now. Hopefully he comes to a good decision

  • MomRocs1102
    November 17, 2012 at 9:00 PM

    wow thats sad he said that to you about you and the kids holding him back he will realize soon you are the one in his corner, buts its really sad he probably really feels that way for him to blurt it out. hope it works out

  • furbabymum
    November 17, 2012 at 11:50 PM

    Just so you are ready it takes awhile to find the right medication and dosage to make a real difference. I know I was expecting him to be better over night and he really wasn't. The medication and the CBT treatment are HUGE. Really huge. This is something you guys will always struggle with so he really needs to be open to hearing what you have to say and seeking treatment when he needs it. I know my DH has been in treatment for almost 4 years now and sometimes he still has his "episodes". It's nothing like it was though and usually it means he's on the wrong medication. We have a medication now that really works well for him and our life is pretty perfect. If you had told me before that he could be like this and our marriage could be this strong I wouldn't have believed you.

    And for you, well counseling couldn't hurt for you. I see an individual counselor off and on to cope with his condition. Because it is never going away we have to learn how to respond in a way that is going to help everyone. Plus, the cycles of emotion that bipolars go through and thus put their families through is very much like the cycle of domestic abuse. I've learned how to get off the ride so to speak so that when he's going around he's not taking me and our DS with him.

    I know treatment needs to be his decision but the decision he makes has a huge impact on your entire family. If he decides not to do anything about this you need to think really hard about what you and your children should have to go through. He has the choice to be better. It's a scary choice but if he wants to keep his family it's a choice he has to make. As perfect as my DH and our relationship are right now, I'd leave him in a heart beat if he stopped treatment. I can't go back there. I can't do that again knowing that I don't have to. That we can be better. I won't put our kids through that either. So, it's big for both of you but you can't stick around just to help him if he refuses to help himself.

    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting furbabymum:

    Is he taking medication and going to counseling for it?? My DH is doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with one of this therapists. It's really, really helped.

    I understand your staying. I stayed for 5 years before I delivered an ultimatum. I'm just thankful he's been so wonderful seeking treatment. I just don't want you and your kids being a prisoner to his moods. You can't fix him, he needs to go fix himself.

    Also remember, Bipolar isn't genetically linked yet though it does pass through families. There is a school of thought that kids actually learn this from their parents. So, you really need him doing something so he doesn't pass this on to your kids.

    Quoting esmeralda1:


    Quoting furbabymum:

     Well I've written this before but our major issue was that my DH was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. He had horrid "episodes" followed by severe depression in which he'd try to convince me to divorce him. He also cheated.

    We got counseling and a hell of a lot of it. We are still in marriage counseling though we only go once a month now. It's WONDERFUL!

    Well DH is also diagnosed with bipoloar disorder as well as PTSD. He had a horrific childhood filled with severe physical abuse and neglect.  He is pretty damaged which is why i havent left him yet. I know that he has been living with a lot of pain and resentment. He also has abndonment issues  and I am not ready to be another person to leave him.  I love this man. He has been my best friend since my earliest memories. He has been my rock so many times before. Its my turn to be his. Its just so hard right now



    Thank you. I agree I need to make sure he doesnt continue to model the behavior to our children.  I told him that i want hime to start his band back up. i realize more than anything that he neeeds his music. I also explained to him that he  needs to seek counseling and if necessary see a psychiatrist. He is not medicated. He has been against taking medication because he thinks if he does that it will lead to substance abuse which his parents both struggled with.  He said he wanted to be here for me and the kids. That is too much of a burden on me for him to be gone a lot.  I said he isnt doing anygood for me or the kids if he was going to be sulking around all the time. I told him that if he decided not too that he would have to go get counseling that  it would create a riff between us that may never be fixable. He is thinking it all over right now. Hopefully he comes to a good decision


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