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bellebear
SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
October 10, 2012 at 1:28 PM
Fiance goes to visit son alone with ex at her house. Me and my daughters and our son are not aloud. When he goes to see him he wont answer his phone or call me. Only text. I mean after he has been there for awhile, when its time to pick him up. He usually takes car himself but if I need the car I drop him off and pick him up. He makes me wait around even if I have important plans such as dropping my daughter off to dads. He knows how upset. the whole thing makes me feel. How me and kids are left out of the picture. I feel awful that I have done a lot for that little boy. Got to know him 4 yrs. He has a baby brother who loves him and cant see him 2 step daughters that miss him. He has leukemia and its been little over month it could be a yr before we see him. I have been very supportive. Just think my Fiance could show some care knowing how his ex is making his son think that none of us are important to him. I feel stupid when he makes me wait in driveway and don't answer his phone. We send our love like buying gifts writing notes. We ask Fiance to let him know what we have to say. But we don't know for sure if he gives him messages. He never says anything back. Fiance don't offer to call us when were not there. Went to pick up Fiance yesterday and he didn't come out, didn't answer his phone, I was late, so I went to the door. He was sitting on the couch with his ex ??? He makes me feel worse instead of better?? think I could also. Use a little support from him. Whats going on?his ex recently got married 2 months ago and he works a lot. Should I be worried? Should I still be supportive? Should I put my foot down? I'm confused.

Replies

  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 10:55 PM
    Quoting MomToovey:

     As far as whether or not you and the girls should get to see him, that's between the mom and dad. And whether you like it or not, you should respect their decision. You'd want the same courtesy if you were in their shoes. And I see nothing wrong with him wanting one on one time with his son - especially if he has leukemia, because who knows how much longer he'll have to spend with him.


    I'm a little confused as to why you're sitting in the driveway. Why can't you leave and do the things you're supposed to do while he's visiting with his son? Isn't that the point of you having the car? Then when he's ready to leave, he can text you and you come back to get him.


    well you don't have too know all the details of my life too give a little advise!! We live in different states and share the car and we have other children as well.
  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 11:14 PM
    Quoting daijobu:

    Definitely sonds suspicious.  You need to put your foot down and tell him how you feel and why, and tell him exactly what you expect in these situations.  Ask him flat out if there is something going on, because honesty is a necessity for a marriage.  And THIS isn't something that falls under the 'little white lie' category.  It seems like he may be in the leading-up-to-cheating stage.  I hope not for you, but there are red flags popping up all over from your description.  BTW, why is what he needs to do a priority over what you and the kids need to do?  Sounds very selfish.  Thought - could you talk to her?  Maybe start off by asking about their son and take it from there.  Get a feel for the situation.  Good luck!


    thanks but I did talk to. Her in the hospital and she seemed very interested in telling me everything about what the docters had to say. It was the first time in 4 yrs I had spoken to her. She made eye contact with me and I showed my care and concern by asking queistions about him. She was nice to his little half brother. That's why I couldn't understand how things changed so quick in just. A couple days being back home. Its not cause of germs. We had suggested we all come to see him one at a time. She must have resentment or feelings. A couple lady's on here are saying I have no right to feel worried about anything but they don't know all the details and did not read my post clearly. My Fiance needs to be picked up at a certain time at her house cause he cant stay there all day. Its her home and she is married! They live in another state 40 min away! That is why I sit in driveway to wait for him. Just want to make it clear. And I was only talking about 2 diff times I had to take him there. Otherwise he goes himself. When I have to be back home 40 min away to bring my daughter somewhere and our. 22 month old son needs to go home also and my Fiance wont answer his phone or come out of the house and I see them sitting on couch then it makes me wonder!!
  • MomToovey
    October 11, 2012 at 11:17 PM

     I wasn't asking for all the details of your life. But when all I'm given is "if I need the car, I can drop him off and pick him up" and then am told you're sitting in the driveway, things don't add up. If you're in need of the car, use it while you wait. And then when he's ready to be picked up, he can text you and you can get him.

    Heck, even if you don't need the car for anything specific, you can still drive off and do something else. Take the other kids to a McDonalds playground if nothing else!

    Quoting bellebear:

    Quoting MomToovey:

     As far as whether or not you and the girls should get to see him, that's between the mom and dad. And whether you like it or not, you should respect their decision. You'd want the same courtesy if you were in their shoes. And I see nothing wrong with him wanting one on one time with his son - especially if he has leukemia, because who knows how much longer he'll have to spend with him.


    I'm a little confused as to why you're sitting in the driveway. Why can't you leave and do the things you're supposed to do while he's visiting with his son? Isn't that the point of you having the car? Then when he's ready to leave, he can text you and you come back to get him.


    well you don't have too know all the details of my life too give a little advise!! We live in different states and share the car and we have other children as well.

     

  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 11:23 PM
    Quoting LoriDeen:

    His son has leukemia!! What part of that don't you understand? Honestly, you're being very selfish to call him when he's with his seriously ill son. Why do you need to do that? Unless it is a critical situation, you should NOT be calling him while he is bonding with a son he might lose soon.  When my son was seriously ill, I often sat and talked about his care with my ex.  It was all about our child, not each other.

    As far as you not being allowed to visit the son at BM's house, that's normal. Would you welcome HER into YOUR house on a regular basis? I doubt it. I'm sorry that you can't see him right now, but children with leukemia do need to be protected from germs, etc. during treatment. Exposure to others can be very dangerous, even fatal. It sounds like the parents are limiting contact in an effort to protect his health.

    Why don't you think DH is relaying your messages? It sounds like there are many trust issues here, but these are separate from his devotion to his critically ill child.


    I DONT CALL HIM WHEN HE IS VISITING HIS SON AND I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO VISIT HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!!
  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 11:33 PM
    Quoting MomToovey:


    I had already taken the kids to burger king and finished my errands. But when we live 40 min away with. A toddler a 2 school aged kids I cant be running all around. This is not on a regular basis its once in awhile. Otherwise he takes car to go himself. Its been a few days now and I don't think I have any reason to worry cause I had time to think about it. I have talked to him and it is hard to get answers from him but I feel a little better. And if you had read my replies then you would see that I'm not being selfish or calling him. I'm very supportive and want him to spend as much time as he can with him. But we are a family and have other children that are important too. Just cause his son is sick does not mean he can treat us differently. All I wanted was a little advise and some support and not to be taken the wrong way. Thanks!!!
  • MomToovey
    October 11, 2012 at 11:41 PM

     Ok, see that's the part that was missing. Now my puzzle is complete.

    I didn't take anything the wrong way and never said anything about you calling him or being selfish. I was simply stating that it's their perogative to choose who sees their son and brought up something I needed clarified. I'm sorry that you feel I was attacking you in any way. I definitely wasn't.

    Anyway, glad you were able to talk to him about it and that you're feeling better about everything.

    Quoting bellebear:

    Quoting MomToovey:


    I had already taken the kids to burger king and finished my errands. But when we live 40 min away with. A toddler a 2 school aged kids I cant be running all around. This is not on a regular basis its once in awhile. Otherwise he takes car to go himself. Its been a few days now and I don't think I have any reason to worry cause I had time to think about it. I have talked to him and it is hard to get answers from him but I feel a little better. And if you had read my replies then you would see that I'm not being selfish or calling him. I'm very supportive and want him to spend as much time as he can with him. But we are a family and have other children that are important too. Just cause his son is sick does not mean he can treat us differently. All I wanted was a little advise and some support and not to be taken the wrong way. Thanks!!!

     

  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 11:52 PM
    Quoting MomToovey:


    thank you!! I asked also if he gets comfort in talking to her about his son? Not that I would get mad if he did but. About anything that should be in the poem. He said he felt like they are docters talking back and forth. I think he gets comfort in me. When he first told me about it he list it!! I had never in my life seen him cry so hard in all the yrs I known him. He hives me tight and did not let go. I cryed with him. I understand they need to support eachother as parents too but its kind of hard to accept when your completely shut out from from of his sons life after being around him and taking care of him for 4 yrs. It made me wonder?? But thanks for what you had too say and for listening. Its hard being new on cafemom ! and getting so many diff opinions its a lot to take in.
  • MomToovey
    October 12, 2012 at 12:23 AM
    Yeah, it does get overwhelming - especially with so many people here. And not being able to hear tone of voice makes it difficult too...but you'll get used to it
    It's hard, but just do the best you can, he seems to appreciate that. Good luck.


    Quoting bellebear:

    Quoting MomToovey:


    thank you!! I asked also if he gets comfort in talking to her about his son? Not that I would get mad if he did but. About anything that should be in the poem. He said he felt like they are docters talking back and forth. I think he gets comfort in me. When he first told me about it he list it!! I had never in my life seen him cry so hard in all the yrs I known him. He hives me tight and did not let go. I cryed with him. I understand they need to support eachother as parents too but its kind of hard to accept when your completely shut out from from of his sons life after being around him and taking care of him for 4 yrs. It made me wonder?? But thanks for what you had too say and for listening. Its hard being new on cafemom ! and getting so many diff opinions its a lot to take in.

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