Love & Marriage

bellebear
SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
October 10, 2012 at 1:28 PM
Fiance goes to visit son alone with ex at her house. Me and my daughters and our son are not aloud. When he goes to see him he wont answer his phone or call me. Only text. I mean after he has been there for awhile, when its time to pick him up. He usually takes car himself but if I need the car I drop him off and pick him up. He makes me wait around even if I have important plans such as dropping my daughter off to dads. He knows how upset. the whole thing makes me feel. How me and kids are left out of the picture. I feel awful that I have done a lot for that little boy. Got to know him 4 yrs. He has a baby brother who loves him and cant see him 2 step daughters that miss him. He has leukemia and its been little over month it could be a yr before we see him. I have been very supportive. Just think my Fiance could show some care knowing how his ex is making his son think that none of us are important to him. I feel stupid when he makes me wait in driveway and don't answer his phone. We send our love like buying gifts writing notes. We ask Fiance to let him know what we have to say. But we don't know for sure if he gives him messages. He never says anything back. Fiance don't offer to call us when were not there. Went to pick up Fiance yesterday and he didn't come out, didn't answer his phone, I was late, so I went to the door. He was sitting on the couch with his ex ??? He makes me feel worse instead of better?? think I could also. Use a little support from him. Whats going on?his ex recently got married 2 months ago and he works a lot. Should I be worried? Should I still be supportive? Should I put my foot down? I'm confused.

Replies

  • 3xangel
    by 3xangel
    October 11, 2012 at 4:56 PM
    I figured there was more to the story and now I understand why you do that... Some people just love to be messy and try to bring other people down with them.

    Quoting timswife_momof2:

    and also he gets him daughter every weekend, every holiday and every summer. her mom keeps her while she is in school and when she is out of school we get her. so he has no reason to go over there anymore except when he picks her up and even that is a nightmare with her. i dont get why exs just cant be civil. at least for the children.


    Quoting timswife_momof2:


    idk she says he was, he says he wasnt. and she keeps trying to break us up everytime she sees him she hits on him and tells him to leave me. she calls in the middle of the night and asks him to come over all the time. and he has told her to stop but she doesnt. its like she wont stop until we are broke up. so its just better that he not speak with her unless he absolutely has too. and im sorry that that is your opinion but it works for our family, and that is all that is important.


    Quoting 3xangel:

    Was he cheating on you with the ex? If not, everything you just wrote is beyond ridiculous and messed up.


    Quoting timswife_momof2:


    uh yeh when i first started dating my husband he did this too. he went to his ex house and visited with his daughter and i broke up with him over it and he begged me for 3 months to get back together with him and that he would never go over there again, now we have been married 2 yrs and he doesnt even speak to her. if she has something she needs to say she says it to his mother and his mother tells him. under no circumstances is he allowed to be around her without me.


     



  • PROGENITOR
    October 11, 2012 at 5:20 PM

    What a close thing they have to share. A sick child. So, do they comfort each other? If the child, God forbid, dies, will they hold each other and cry together? Effin' gag me. There is no way my DH would do what your fiance is doing. I wouldn't marry someone in that siutation.  He is clearly too tied up with his family with his ex. If the child is sick then maybe that is where he needs to put his focus, but you deserve better and you aren't married to him yet. I wouldn't be worried, but I'd be pissed and hurt. I wouldn't have had a child with him. I would be leaving him.

  • daijobu
    by daijobu
    October 11, 2012 at 7:15 PM

    Definitely sonds suspicious.  You need to put your foot down and tell him how you feel and why, and tell him exactly what you expect in these situations.  Ask him flat out if there is something going on, because honesty is a necessity for a marriage.  And THIS isn't something that falls under the 'little white lie' category.  It seems like he may be in the leading-up-to-cheating stage.  I hope not for you, but there are red flags popping up all over from your description.  BTW, why is what he needs to do a priority over what you and the kids need to do?  Sounds very selfish.  Thought - could you talk to her?  Maybe start off by asking about their son and take it from there.  Get a feel for the situation.  Good luck!

  • PROGENITOR
    October 11, 2012 at 7:57 PM

    Why does the ex have to be there? Can't she let them have father son time together. My Dh would ask his ex to go elsewhere and let him be with his kid.

  • LoriDeen
    October 11, 2012 at 9:05 PM

    His son has leukemia!! What part of that don't you understand? Honestly, you're being very selfish to call him when he's with his seriously ill son. Why do you need to do that? Unless it is a critical situation, you should NOT be calling him while he is bonding with a son he might lose soon.  When my son was seriously ill, I often sat and talked about his care with my ex.  It was all about our child, not each other.

    As far as you not being allowed to visit the son at BM's house, that's normal. Would you welcome HER into YOUR house on a regular basis? I doubt it. I'm sorry that you can't see him right now, but children with leukemia do need to be protected from germs, etc. during treatment. Exposure to others can be very dangerous, even fatal. It sounds like the parents are limiting contact in an effort to protect his health.

    Why don't you think DH is relaying your messages? It sounds like there are many trust issues here, but these are separate from his devotion to his critically ill child.

  • Chesneychick77
    October 11, 2012 at 9:08 PM
    You know all the answers already, that's why you posted this. You just don't wanna believe it.
  • i.heart.myboys
    October 11, 2012 at 9:43 PM


    Quoting unsuspected:

    I don't know abou all the details you mentioned because frankly I can't make sense of it.

    But you shouldn't get married, that's pretty clear.  

    There are some big issues going on here with communication and respect, none of which will get any better by putting on a pretty dress and saying "I do".  Work this all out in a way that you both can deal with or move on because there's too much baggage here to build a solid marriage on.  

  • MomToovey
    October 11, 2012 at 10:42 PM

     As far as whether or not you and the girls should get to see him, that's between the mom and dad. And whether you like it or not, you should respect their decision. You'd want the same courtesy if you were in their shoes. And I see nothing wrong with him wanting one on one time with his son - especially if he has leukemia, because who knows how much longer he'll have to spend with him.

    I'm a little confused as to why you're sitting in the driveway. Why can't you leave and do the things you're supposed to do while he's visiting with his son? Isn't that the point of you having the car? Then when he's ready to leave, he can text you and you come back to get him.

  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 10:49 PM
    Quoting NDADanceMom:

    So his child is dying of cancer and you are worried that he is cheating?  LOL OK lady.  

    Your 100% focus should be his child and what that child needs.  They may not want a whole crew around because of germs.  They may not want you around because you have jacked up priorities.... "his baby brother misses him" uhhh the kid is DYING.  Do you know what that means??? DYING.  seriously.  Your biggest concern is where the guy your datinng's penis is.  really?  Id want to leave you too if I were him.  "im visiting my dying child and you are worried about yourself?"


    Laney you should fully read someone's post before you give advise. And my step son is not dying!!
  • bellebear
    October 11, 2012 at 10:51 PM
    Quoting PROGENITOR:

    What a close thing they have to share. A sick child. So, do they comfort each other? If the child, God forbid, dies, will they hold each other and cry together? Effin' gag me. There is no way my DH would do what your fiance is doing. I wouldn't marry someone in that siutation.  He is clearly too tied up with his family with his ex. If the child is sick then maybe that is where he needs to put his focus, but you deserve better and you aren't married to him yet. I wouldn't be worried, but I'd be pissed and hurt. I wouldn't have had a child with him. I would be leaving him.


    thank you!!

Love & Marriage