Love & Marriage

bellebear
SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
October 10, 2012 at 1:28 PM
Fiance goes to visit son alone with ex at her house. Me and my daughters and our son are not aloud. When he goes to see him he wont answer his phone or call me. Only text. I mean after he has been there for awhile, when its time to pick him up. He usually takes car himself but if I need the car I drop him off and pick him up. He makes me wait around even if I have important plans such as dropping my daughter off to dads. He knows how upset. the whole thing makes me feel. How me and kids are left out of the picture. I feel awful that I have done a lot for that little boy. Got to know him 4 yrs. He has a baby brother who loves him and cant see him 2 step daughters that miss him. He has leukemia and its been little over month it could be a yr before we see him. I have been very supportive. Just think my Fiance could show some care knowing how his ex is making his son think that none of us are important to him. I feel stupid when he makes me wait in driveway and don't answer his phone. We send our love like buying gifts writing notes. We ask Fiance to let him know what we have to say. But we don't know for sure if he gives him messages. He never says anything back. Fiance don't offer to call us when were not there. Went to pick up Fiance yesterday and he didn't come out, didn't answer his phone, I was late, so I went to the door. He was sitting on the couch with his ex ??? He makes me feel worse instead of better?? think I could also. Use a little support from him. Whats going on?his ex recently got married 2 months ago and he works a lot. Should I be worried? Should I still be supportive? Should I put my foot down? I'm confused.

Replies

  • jmjdj
    by jmjdj
    October 10, 2012 at 2:42 PM


    Quoting TommyAbby:

    If he is in the first month of chemo, yeah, keep those kids away! That is the point when he is most vulnerable to pick up infections. I am sure they have a lot to talk about regarding care and doctors and what ifs of cancer care. I know. My son is now considered cured as of July this past summer after 6 yrs of cancer treatments for Leukemia. That first month, he was practically lived at Children's Hospital.  Between blood work, the drugs, required hospital stays..he may be there more than you would normally feel comfortable with. 

    It's not an easy thing to go through. BE SUPPORTIVE. Him not answering his phone could be him giving his undivided attention to his son. Don't take things personally at this point in time. Let him process his child having cancer.

    This!  Until you have had a child that is seriously ill or has special needs, you cannot fathom what it is like.  My 12 year old has had 19 (yes, nineteen) surgeries for various birth abnormalities.  The most recent was in June and it was major neurosurgery.  My ex and I were together for 15 years so up until we divorced, we had done them all together.  Sometimes when DS is having surgery I wish the ex and I were on better terms because nobody (not his girlfriend or my SO) understand what it is like to have your son in the OR for 8 hours.

    My son does not have cancer and I cannot imagine what it's like to have to deal with your child having cancer.  But I do know that it can be very detrimental to their health to get any normal illness while undergoing treatment.  Your estimation that it may be a year before you all get to see him is probably pretty accurate.  I know people that have restricted all contact to their child for easily that long.  They even took their other kids out of school and began home schooling to prevent illness from being brought in to the house from others.

    I do not want to seem rude, but unfortunately, you will not be your fiance's number one priority right now.  And in my opinion, that is ok.  I know some people believe that your spouse should always be the first priority but in blended families that isn't always the case.  Especially not when there is a sick child involved.  If he was sitting next to his ex wife (the mother of the sick child) that he spent years with, then chances are that they were both consoling each other.  I don't like being the bearer of bad news, but unless you have had to worry about the reality of losing your child, you can't comprehend this...only they can because the child is one they share. 

    The best advice I have for you is to be there for your fiance.  This is going to be a roller coaster of emotions for him and if you confront him about why he's not including you, you will just be adding stress for him.  This could make him resent you later.  My SO doesn't pretend to know what it's like, but he cares about me and is there for my support whether or not he can help with my son.  You need to be that person. 

    I know you are concerned about your relationship and your other children and that's ok.  But this child takes precedence.  It is your job as your fiance's partner to pick up the slack with the other kids so that he can focus on this one.  I'm not saying he gets a free pass on all fronts, but where this is concerned he does.  Not to be a negative nelly, but what if his son were to die as a result of the leukemia and your fiance didn't spend as much time as possible with him before that because you didn't like it?  How would that affect your fiance's feelings about you?  And how would you feel knowing that your own insecurity kept that child from seeing his father as much before his death?  You would probably feel terrible.

    Or...reverse the roles and put yourself in your fiance's position.  How would you feel if you were going to visit your child with cancer and your fiance kept texting and calling asking when you'd be done because he felt slighted by the time you spent with your kid?  It's all about maintaining perspective and looking at it from all different sides.  If you can put yourself second for a while and allow your fiance to do what he feels he needs to do, you will feel good about your decision in the long run.

    Good luck to you and I wish the child the best outcome!

  • bellebear
    October 10, 2012 at 3:44 PM
    Quoting TommyAbby:

    If he is in the first month of chemo, yeah, keep those kids away! That is the point when he is most vulnerable to pick up infections. I am sure they have a lot to talk about regarding care and doctors and what ifs of cancer care. I know. My son is now considered cured as of July this past summer after 6 yrs of cancer treatments for Leukemia. That first month, he was practically lived at Children's Hospital.  Between blood work, the drugs, required hospital stays..he may be there more than you would normally feel comfortable with. 

    It's not an easy thing to go through. BE SUPPORTIVE. Him not answering his phone could be him giving his undivided attention to his son. Don't take things personally at this point in time. Let him process his child having cancer. 


    that's exactly what I figured was going on. But when its been time to leave and he knows I'm waiting I feel like hes no respect for me. And to be sitting there with the woman who won't let us there!! Thank you for your advise.
  • bellebear
    October 10, 2012 at 3:51 PM
    Quoting givenshl:

     What it seems is that with their son being ill it has brought them closer together. Their son has Leukemia. Right now no one else's feelings are going to really matter because they are trying to get through this difficult time.


    You can't Control him. It's not going to work. Every time he goes over there you are wondering and worrying yourself mad. Girl bump that, you need to get a grip and realize this is something that may not change. If you choose to remain with in this relationship than you need to channel your energy on something else when it comes time for him to visit with his son.


    thankyou for your. Advise but I don't worry at all!! It just didn't seem right yesterday,. I have been supportive. I like how they can get along for there son. But when she don't want me there. And he cant answer his phone? ?? Then I ask myself if I should worry?
  • bellebear
    October 10, 2012 at 3:54 PM
    [quote name="ReadWriteLuv" id="0"]I'm totally confused here.....can someone break this down so it makes sense?[/quote. Sorry was never a good a writer!!
  • CorpCityGrl
    October 10, 2012 at 3:58 PM

    I can see both sides here.

    On the one hand, he is probably focusing on his son and his son's treatment.  That naturally will take up his time and therefore, will eat up any attention that he may have given you and the other kids. 

    However, he is not doing this alone - he also has you to lean on and for support and it seems like he is shutting you out and his ex-wife may just be encouraging it and playing off of his vulnerabilities.  You can't control him and this will be a tough time for all of you, but the fact that he doesn't even lean on you like that or acknowledge the thoughts and gifts you have been giving to his son and does not answer calls kinda bothers me.  I know that you may not be able to sympathize, but your presence should at least be acknowledged.

  • bellebear
    October 10, 2012 at 4:05 PM
    Quoting Metteba:

    aloud = allowed.


    Be worried, be very worried. He's fuckin her and your his comfort zone. But, I think that you know what is happening...and trust me when you hear from his mouth, you will feel such betrayal. Just ask him and if he beats around the bush, all you can do is try to fix it, but something tells me he will not try to make it better.  God, I would not sit in no goddamn driveway, waiting on his ass...LOL.  I would be mobbing right next to him, if he gets mad, just ignore him and do what you gotta do.  BE STRAIGHT UP , MAMA....


    thanks for the correction. My phone will automatically spell a word for me. Not always on the computer.
  • givenshl
    October 10, 2012 at 4:10 PM

     

    Quoting bellebear:

    Quoting givenshl:

     What it seems is that with their son being ill it has brought them closer together. Their son has Leukemia. Right now no one else's feelings are going to really matter because they are trying to get through this difficult time.


    You can't Control him. It's not going to work. Every time he goes over there you are wondering and worrying yourself mad. Girl bump that, you need to get a grip and realize this is something that may not change. If you choose to remain with in this relationship than you need to channel your energy on something else when it comes time for him to visit with his son.


    thankyou for your. Advise but I don't worry at all!! It just didn't seem right yesterday,. I have been supportive. I like how they can get along for there son. But when she don't want me there. And he cant answer his phone? ?? Then I ask myself if I should worry?

    She don't want you there because right now she don't need you there. It's not about you. Not being harsh but it's just not about you. I don't think you need to worry if you Trust your Man.  

  • bellebear
    October 10, 2012 at 4:24 PM
    Quoting jmjdj:


    sorry about your child and thankyou for the advise. I understand what your telling me. I have say again that I do not hurrying him or txt him at all unless I'm waiting. I never call unless he has texted me. Also I don't agree with allowing your partner to console the ex and get consoled by the ex!! That is what I'm here for. She got married and that's what her husband. Is for. As a loving mother of 3 children and a lot of moms out there can. Definitely imagine how scary and heartbreaking it is for your child to be sick. I'm very supportive of him. I would never take that away from him and actually I always help him find the extra time for him to spend with him just in case god forbid anything did happen. My only concern was if I sit back and keep doing what I'm doing and have him do what he wants, never speak up to him about my feelings and concerns and then we all get hurt because I didn't open eyes and be worried about them being alone instead I was being supportive. He is a very difficult peeing to figure out sometimes!! He don't express his feelings very well and he don't listen well either. Again I'm sorry about what you went through and thankyou
  • sydjademom24
    October 10, 2012 at 4:35 PM
    Wow. A lot of differing opinions here. I can only speak for myself. If something happened and my husband and I split up, I would still sleep with him. But also there are plenty of women who wouldn't do that. Also if one of our kids got sick with cancer I would find comfort/support from their father. He's the only other person that would understand what it feels like. What is the reason his x doesn't want you around? You never said that. At this point in time I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I would get proof first. I highly doubt their having sex with you in the driveway, but hey crazier things have happened so you can't rule it out. My advice depending on what the reasoning is for the x not wanting you around would be to calm down. Get some proof if you can, and unless you have concrete proof at this point I would bite your tongue. Might push him closer to his x if you start accusing him. Never know. Be smart about this. I hope your wrong.
  • earthangel1967
    October 10, 2012 at 4:40 PM


    Quoting 3xangel:

    UM, yes you should be worried and you should've put your foot down A LONG TIME AGO. What he's doing is beyond disrespectful and straight up suspicious.


    I agree with this and I would NOT go forward with marrying him unless this gets fixed first, it sounds highly suspcious. I'm sorry HUGS

Love & Marriage