Love & Marriage

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Molo1818
I made a huge mistake......now I need help?
October 6, 2012 at 11:49 AM
Hi All,
I'm new here looking for help...
I am a mom of 3, children. I don't know what I was thinking but....
I was recently caught by my husband of 13 year having an affair with a man I meet at work.
I have since stopped all communication with my fling, left the job and concentrate on fixing my damage that I have caused. Thankfully my husband has kept this from the kids as they are all still young enough to still be home.
My family is everything to me but I fear I have done too much damage to my husband.
I have broken his heart, and lost all his trust, but yet he try's to forgive me.
He has nightly terrors awakening in a rage of anger fighting off my returning fling. We are going to consoling , but his rage is escalating. His drinking has gone from a mild social drinker to 8 to 10drinks a day. I asked him to stop the drinking but he said its the only thing that keeps him inbettween mad and sad,I don't know what to do. I love him dearly and wish I could undo what I have done to us but I cannot go back in time.
I feel like dieing for what I have done and even though I have crushed him, he continues to cater to me, he make my coffee, takes me to lunch, makes dinner for everyone, make us cocktail after dinner, turns down the bed, rub my feet every night with oil, gives me long soothing back rubs but does not ask for anything in return and ends up laying down with me emotionally destroyed. He will just lay there quietly with tears running down to his pillow for hours. He says he doesn't want to sleep because of the night terrors he's going through so he will watch tv till he passes out but only to awake in a rage fighting off a "ghost " as he says. Then he will sit sobbing at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. All I can do is hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how I will fix this mess....but I fear I can't.

Can anyone PLEASE help me?????????
Thanks, Molly

Replies

  • meganisamom
    October 6, 2012 at 11:57 AM
    That's awful. I know you feel badly but you didn't stop till you were caught. I feel the worst for your husband. You may have damaged your relationship beyond repair. You need to give him whatever time and space he needs. The ball is in court.
  • Jennifer508
    October 6, 2012 at 11:59 AM
    God can and will help you two through anything and everything! Your husband loves you and he is hurt. I know how he feels because my husband of 15 years cheated on me. Give him time and be an open book. It was so bad for me that I had to be on Xanax for anxiety. Good luck!
  • meganisamom
    October 6, 2012 at 12:01 PM
    God is not the factor here. It is annoying when people screw up and then use God as a way out. How about answering for ones Indiscretions?


    Quoting Jennifer508:

    God can and will help you two through anything and everything! Your husband loves you and he is hurt. I know how he feels because my husband of 15 years cheated on me. Give him time and be an open book. It was so bad for me that I had to be on Xanax for anxiety. Good luck!

  • JenniferW67
    October 6, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    Its going to take time. Does his counselor know the he isn't sleeping? The longer he goes without sleeping, the worse it'll get. The drinking is most likely affecting his sleep.  I think he should go to an MD and explain what's going on.  Good luck to you and your family.

  • raegan1221
    October 6, 2012 at 12:07 PM

     If you're a Christian, you use God..you pray to him for help and guidance. If you don't believe or are not a Christian, that's fine but don't bash those who are and trying to help.

    Quoting meganisamom:

    God is not the factor here. It is annoying when people screw up and then use God as a way out. How about answering for ones Indiscretions?


    Quoting Jennifer508:

    God can and will help you two through anything and everything! Your husband loves you and he is hurt. I know how he feels because my husband of 15 years cheated on me. Give him time and be an open book. It was so bad for me that I had to be on Xanax for anxiety. Good luck!

     

  • raegan1221
    October 6, 2012 at 12:08 PM

     I'm so sorry for what you are going through...yes, you made a mistake and he is probably just so hurt and afraid of losing you. Maybe keep going to the counseling. He may need his own individual counseling it sounds like. Just keep your head up. Prayers, Momma.

  • PerfectVirgo
    October 6, 2012 at 12:10 PM
    I'm so sorry. I wish you the best of luck.
  • Molo1818
    October 6, 2012 at 12:10 PM
    Quoting meganisamom:

    That's awful. I know you feel badly but you didn't stop till you were caught. I feel the worst for your husband. You may have damaged your relationship beyond repair. You need to give him whatever time and space he needs. The ball is in court.



    Thanks Megan,
    We were friends for a few years at work, then it got sexual for a few months. I stopped the sex with my fling because of feeling miserable for what I had done. My husband found out a month after I had stopped but I had stayed friends with him so all my phone records show him and I still texting so my husband has an even harder time believing anything I say.

    Molly
  • raegan1221
    October 6, 2012 at 12:16 PM

     I have never been in a situation like this...but I believe you can make it through being the fact your husband hasn't left. It seems he just needs time...but I'd probably try and get him into a good counselor for him, individually.  Best of luck, hon.

    Quoting Molo1818:

    Quoting meganisamom:

    That's awful. I know you feel badly but you didn't stop till you were caught. I feel the worst for your husband. You may have damaged your relationship beyond repair. You need to give him whatever time and space he needs. The ball is in court.



    Thanks Megan,
    We were friends for a few years at work, then it got sexual for a few months. I stopped the sex with my fling because of feeling miserable for what I had done. My husband found out a month after I had stopped but I had stayed friends with him so all my phone records show him and I still texting so my husband has an even harder time believing anything I say.

    Molly

     

  • Babujai
    by Babujai
    October 6, 2012 at 12:17 PM
    You describe all the things he does for you...do you reciprocate? Also, have you talked to the counselor about his drinking. You're both supposed to be working through your emotions, but alcohol masks and suppresses his emotions. Individual counseling also sounds like a must.

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