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SuperMom2433
SAHM and really starting to hate it!
August 30, 2012 at 11:13 AM
I love that I get to watch my children grow and dont miss a thing. My daughter is 7 and is in school but my son is 11 months. I live that Im here for everything. However, I HATE not having a job. I hate not having my own paycheck. I hate not being able to just spend money on things I want. Instead I have to go thru my hubby. Now, dont get me wrong, he takes care of us. He pays the bills and then some. He even goes as far as paying for me to get my nails done. Even though he takes care of these things, he's hard to ask for money. He complains, but still does it. He always talks about having to do everything by himself and he's tired of not having any money for himself. That isn't completely true. He buys himself beer every single night (at least $15 worth), his chew (3 cans a day), and lunch (roughly $10 a day). Anyhow, I guess Im just tired of having to go to him everytime I want/need something when I used to be able to just do it myself.
My mom and grandparents live in Kansas and Arkansas and have offered to pay for two of the three tickets we need to make a trip from here (Colorado) to Wichita in November for Thanksgiving. We have never in the 9 years we have been together been to visit my family. They have always come here. Well, I have brought up the trip a few times and its like I don't get a straight answer from him. Im not a nagging type of person, but if we dont get the tickets soon, the price is going to keep going up. He keeps talking about how expensive it is going to be and Im starting to get upset. If I had a job and my own paycheck I would buy the ticket today! Im so frustrated and upset that he's not willing to help me out. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I expecting too much from him? I told him that I dont have to get my nails done ($20 every other week). I just need some advice on how to handle this situation.

Replies

  • Marcey1023
    August 30, 2012 at 11:28 AM

    Hey, I'm in the same type of financial boat.  I've always made my own money until now, our first born is 3 weeks old.  So now I don't work, and need to ask my husband for money when I need it, and he's not always compliant.  My thoughts are, I'd like to add up all of the money we save by me staying home with our son (gas, daycare, food (if you are breastfeeding, you don't go out for lunch, any money I would save on groceries by looking at sales, etc) and let him know that you work hard too.  You don't get to go to work every day, see other adults every day, go out for drink with friends (you could, but it takes a lot more planning).  He's the one with the freedom, you aren't.  You are the one taking care of the house and kids, he's not.  You deserve bi weekly manicures (or something that you enjoy), and you deserve to see your family with your little angels.  Your job is to take care of family, his job is bringning in the money.  You aren't stingy with him spending time with the kids, so why should he be stingy with the money?  If you were shopping online all the time and carelessly spending his money, then yes, I could see his point but it sounds like you are looking only for necessities with the occasional treat.

    If you want to avoid the conversation - I know we aren't supposed to advertise other websites on cafe mom but I know there are websites that offer like, classifieds, of people needing work done around the house, or other temporary cash paid chores (yard work, ride to work, cleaning, deliver fliers, etc).  You could easily make your own money without worrying about a W2 or taxes every year.

    As I am in the same boat as you, I am excited to hear other peoples' response to this post for new ideas :)

  • anotherandree
    August 30, 2012 at 11:32 AM

    My husband and I share finances but we just can't really afford for me to do anything so I feel you.  I just get SO BORED being a SAHM.  I get so lonely.

  • mustloveanimals
    August 30, 2012 at 11:34 AM

    Not having my own money is exactly why I am not a SAHM. However, I dislike being away from home 10 hours a day. My perfect life would include me working part time so I could spend more time with family but also bring in some money.

    Your situation definitely sounds frustrating, and I hate asking over and over again as well. Definitely cut out the nails. Maybe you can go without him? It might be nice to get away...you know what I mean? But then again, he'll need to give you spending money. Oh! I don't envy you!

  • SuperMom2433
    August 30, 2012 at 11:43 AM
    I really dont want to go without him seeing as it would be a holiday. I dont want to spend Thanksgiving with him a state away. And you are right, he would have to give me spending money. I told him I would cut out my nails if that would help his decision. I dont have to have them. They are just an accessory. I just wish he could be in my shoes for a week and see how bad it sucks to have to completely rely on your spouse for every single thing and hear bitching in the process. Its very frustrating. He doesn't even go grocery shopping. He just buys what we need for dinner and that's it! He's constantly complaining about how much money he has to spend on bills and what not. I've mentioned putting our son in daycare so I can get a job but he's against that idea. I wish he understood really how I feel.


    Quoting mustloveanimals:

    Not having my own money is exactly why I am not a SAHM. However, I dislike being away from home 10 hours a day. My perfect life would include me working part time so I could spend more time with family but also bring in some money.

    Your situation definitely sounds frustrating, and I hate asking over and over again as well. Definitely cut out the nails. Maybe you can go without him? It might be nice to get away...you know what I mean? But then again, he'll need to give you spending money. Oh! I don't envy you!


  • SuperMom2433
    August 30, 2012 at 11:48 AM
    I've been trying to find small things like that. I even looked into this thing that's kind of like Mary Kay but jewelry and hair accessories. However, I have to spend money to start that business. So that's a big no! I've tried offering babysitting but I have yet to get anything. I am starting to feel worthless in the income sense. Im so beyond tired of asking for everything. We went to the store last night and I grabbed a package of the cheapest diapers I could find ($6) and put them in the cart and he says, "I like how you just grab them without saying anything". I got heated and looked at him dead in the eye and said, "How else am I going to get them?". I mentioned that this is yet another reason why I need a job.


    Quoting Marcey1023:

    Hey, I'm in the same type of financial boat.  I've always made my own money until now, our first born is 3 weeks old.  So now I don't work, and need to ask my husband for money when I need it, and he's not always compliant.  My thoughts are, I'd like to add up all of the money we save by me staying home with our son (gas, daycare, food (if you are breastfeeding, you don't go out for lunch, any money I would save on groceries by looking at sales, etc) and let him know that you work hard too.  You don't get to go to work every day, see other adults every day, go out for drink with friends (you could, but it takes a lot more planning).  He's the one with the freedom, you aren't.  You are the one taking care of the house and kids, he's not.  You deserve bi weekly manicures (or something that you enjoy), and you deserve to see your family with your little angels.  Your job is to take care of family, his job is bringning in the money.  You aren't stingy with him spending time with the kids, so why should he be stingy with the money?  If you were shopping online all the time and carelessly spending his money, then yes, I could see his point but it sounds like you are looking only for necessities with the occasional treat.

    If you want to avoid the conversation - I know we aren't supposed to advertise other websites on cafe mom but I know there are websites that offer like, classifieds, of people needing work done around the house, or other temporary cash paid chores (yard work, ride to work, cleaning, deliver fliers, etc).  You could easily make your own money without worrying about a W2 or taxes every year.

    As I am in the same boat as you, I am excited to hear other peoples' response to this post for new ideas :)


  • mustloveanimals
    August 30, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    If he doesn't like the idea of you working part time to bring in a little money, then he really is going to have to let go of his money issues. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can only imagine how frustrated you feel and how you must feel your hands are tied.

    Is it possible for you to watch a friends child or something? You could still be in your home but also bring in a little money for yourself? I know, my suggestion is much easier said than done.

    Quoting SuperMom2433:

    I really dont want to go without him seeing as it would be a holiday. I dont want to spend Thanksgiving with him a state away. And you are right, he would have to give me spending money. I told him I would cut out my nails if that would help his decision. I dont have to have them. They are just an accessory. I just wish he could be in my shoes for a week and see how bad it sucks to have to completely rely on your spouse for every single thing and hear bitching in the process. Its very frustrating. He doesn't even go grocery shopping. He just buys what we need for dinner and that's it! He's constantly complaining about how much money he has to spend on bills and what not. I've mentioned putting our son in daycare so I can get a job but he's against that idea. I wish he understood really how I feel.


    Quoting mustloveanimals:

    Not having my own money is exactly why I am not a SAHM. However, I dislike being away from home 10 hours a day. My perfect life would include me working part time so I could spend more time with family but also bring in some money.

    Your situation definitely sounds frustrating, and I hate asking over and over again as well. Definitely cut out the nails. Maybe you can go without him? It might be nice to get away...you know what I mean? But then again, he'll need to give you spending money. Oh! I don't envy you!



  • thatislife
    August 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM
    Go back to work. If you have to feel uncomfortable going to him for money than it really is not being treated as our money. It also sounds like your husband is getting very stressed being the sole breadwinner.
  • SuperMom2433
    August 30, 2012 at 11:54 AM
    I have offered babysitting to many different people and they either want to pay little to nothing (like exchanging babysitting) or they dont go thru with what they say. =(. I've mentioned daycare (which Im not crazy about) but he just doesn't want to do that. Im at a loss. He won't let the money issues go. I've been dealing with it since I got put on bedrest at 21 weeks. Our son will be a year Sept 26th. Its starting to wear me down.


    Quoting mustloveanimals:

    If he doesn't like the idea of you working part time to bring in a little money, then he really is going to have to let go of his money issues. I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can only imagine how frustrated you feel and how you must feel your hands are tied.

    Is it possible for you to watch a friends child or something? You could still be in your home but also bring in a little money for yourself? I know, my suggestion is much easier said than done.

    Quoting SuperMom2433:

    I really dont want to go without him seeing as it would be a holiday. I dont want to spend Thanksgiving with him a state away. And you are right, he would have to give me spending money. I told him I would cut out my nails if that would help his decision. I dont have to have them. They are just an accessory. I just wish he could be in my shoes for a week and see how bad it sucks to have to completely rely on your spouse for every single thing and hear bitching in the process. Its very frustrating. He doesn't even go grocery shopping. He just buys what we need for dinner and that's it! He's constantly complaining about how much money he has to spend on bills and what not. I've mentioned putting our son in daycare so I can get a job but he's against that idea. I wish he understood really how I feel.





    Quoting mustloveanimals:

    Not having my own money is exactly why I am not a SAHM. However, I dislike being away from home 10 hours a day. My perfect life would include me working part time so I could spend more time with family but also bring in some money.

    Your situation definitely sounds frustrating, and I hate asking over and over again as well. Definitely cut out the nails. Maybe you can go without him? It might be nice to get away...you know what I mean? But then again, he'll need to give you spending money. Oh! I don't envy you!





  • SuperMom2433
    August 30, 2012 at 11:56 AM
    He is and I can see where he is coming from but he's failing to see where Im coming from even though I've told him multiple times that I can't stand this much longer. Its like he just shrugs it off, like its no big deal. Going back to work is a lit easier said than done. He refuses the idea of putting our son in daycare.


    Quoting thatislife:

    Go back to work. If you have to feel uncomfortable going to him for money than it really is not being treated as our money. It also sounds like your husband is getting very stressed being the sole breadwinner.

  • MSmama_x3
    August 30, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My husband is pretty opposite. We agreed for me to stay home when our 4yr old was born, now we have a 3yr old and an 8mo. I'm taking on a fulltime load of classes from the community classes (pre reqs for Nursing). He never complains about paying all the bills;he feels as if it is how things should be until I get my nursing degree.

    Even though we can afford it, I don't get my nails done, I DO have my hair done every 6weeks, I don't shop all the time unless we need something and he also buys beer after work and has a dip habit that costs roughly $60+ a week. He is at gas different gas stations all day for work (drives a gas tanker) and his spending really adds up...that gets to me sometimes because it's so wasteful when I can buy the things in bulk and save all the extra taxes on red bulls! I don't complain though. He works very hard, including out in the tornadic weather right now, to support his family. I believe if he can work 14-16 hrs a day 6 days a week, he can buy what he wants as long as we can afford it.

    That being said, I don't think you should HAVE to ask for money. We we got married we became a team, nothing "his" or "mine"..it is ours!


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