Love & Marriage
So, we've been together for 8 years, had three kids, and got through school and job issues, and moved three times together. We kept saying "We'll get married someday, but for now we're better off." Because of things like bigger tax refunds or more school grants, etc. Well, since the first of the year, none of that applies any more. We're both through school and he just got a super awesome promotion, so I thought "Great time to get married, yeah?"
Since January, I've planned three different weddings - nothing big, mind you. We're getting married at the courthouse on a Friday afternoon, just us and the kids, and then having a party with about 100 friends and family. And pizza. We both love pizza and always said that when we get married, instead of the usual food, we'll have all our favorite kinds of pizza delivered. See, we've talked about getting married. He bought me a ring and proposed 6 years ago. I thought it was a given.
But every time I present him with a plan for a wedding, there's a reason he can't. The first time was April, and he scheduled a gig over it (he's a musician on the side). Then it was May, and I worked out a perfect plan for a combination graduation party (he graduated from college), birthday party (on my birthday), wedding. All the people we knew and loved were already there, we just needed to add a JOP, and whammo - instant wedding. But for that he just hemmed and hawed around until it was too late to make sure everyone was there and the hall got booked (we ended up having the party at his parents' farm).
And then I thought "August 31 - once in a blue moon. Pretty funny." And this time I told him that this was the last wedding I was planning, period, so he better suck it up and say yes or no, and in essence, he said no. He didn't say no outright, but he brought up so many objections, that I knew it was no.
What the hell is the problem? We make a plan, we go through with it. We've always been that way, from babies, to school, to jobs. And now he's freaking out. WTH? Any ideas here?
Thanks for all the answers, ladies. Believe me, we have talked about it, I'm not exactly afraid of sharing my feelings, and his answer has always been "Of course I want to get married." And when it came time to actually talk about a wedding, it was "Just not now." So I sat on things for a while after I posted this, and tonight when he came home from taking the kids out to play I looked at him and said "We're going to do this wedding thing, still, right? Because if you're not into it, then I'm moving out with the kids." And he said "You would really leave if we didn't get married?" And I said "Well yeah, hasn't that been the point the whole time?" So we talked a bit more, but didn't want to fight in front of the kids, so I told him that I was going to come home after work tomorrow and have the sitter bring the kids home an hour later. I told him that I expected his answer, which better be a yes, and I told him I expected a date that we would call our parents and best friends and ask them to hold. And the date will be in 2012. And then I told him that if I did not get a yes, that he better put an ad in the paper for a roommate, because I am going to squeeze him dry for child support. So, I guess we'll see where we're at tomorrow. I also told him he better have a damn good reason for putting me off for the last 8 months. This, I want to hear.
Replies
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I would give him the option of doing it or leaving -
Ask him why...you two just need to talk about it. -
Its just a piece of paper:-) your love and devotion is all that really matters. Just talk with him. -
This could blow up in ur face. The guy my dh works for his g/f said marry me or we are breaking up (she didnt want to leave him but thought if she said that he would marry her) needless to say he left her & shes all kinds of upset. & he said hes not goin back b/c he doesnt wanna get married right now.
Quoting evilangel198431:
I would give him the option of doing it or leaving -
I'm perfectly aware it could go either way. But it also tells you where he REALLY stands
Quoting babymamadrama06:
This could blow up in ur face. The guy my dh works for his g/f said marry me or we are breaking up (she didnt want to leave him but thought if she said that he would marry her) needless to say he left her & shes all kinds of upset. & he said hes not goin back b/c he doesnt wanna get married right now.
Quoting evilangel198431:
I would give him the option of doing it or leaving
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Ever heard the phrase ... 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'
Sorry, but I think he just has the best of both worlds ... or so he thinks; and you let him have it that way. If you really want to get married you have to force the issue or settle for the way things are.
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It sounds like he's nervous about the actual act. I mean, you're already living the life. What does he think will change? I don't think it's snout where he stands necessarily. -
I was just letting op kno this isnt always a good approach :)
Quoting evilangel198431:
I'm perfectly aware it could go either way. But it also tells you where he REALLY stands
Quoting babymamadrama06:
This could blow up in ur face. The guy my dh works for his g/f said marry me or we are breaking up (she didnt want to leave him but thought if she said that he would marry her) needless to say he left her & shes all kinds of upset. & he said hes not goin back b/c he doesnt wanna get married right now.
Quoting evilangel198431:
I would give him the option of doing it or leaving
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sounds like he doesn't want to marry you, sorry.
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I agree with evilangel... If you truely want to get married, then i'd give the ultimatum. If he choses leave, then he clearly wasn't going to marry you, if that's definitely what you want out of the relationship, then you're never going to be happy with him not getting what you want.
Me personally, this is how I would want it. I can't imagine being with my husband & us never getting married and just being engaged, because to me, its not just a piece of paper, it's a commitment, it's him truely telling me I'm it for life.
Yes, I'm sure you're DF loves you very much obviously after all this time, & he may feel its you forever, but just never getting married to me, it's like Why not? If I'm really yours forever what are you afraid of? A messy divorce? It shouldn't be an option, nevermind a thought.
And I just feel so much better saying "husband" than "fiance" ...
Idk mama... goodluck with whatever you chose. Make sure YOU are happy though!
Quoting evilangel198431:
I'm perfectly aware it could go either way. But it also tells you where he REALLY stands
Quoting babymamadrama06:
This could blow up in ur face. The guy my dh works for his g/f said marry me or we are breaking up (she didnt want to leave him but thought if she said that he would marry her) needless to say he left her & shes all kinds of upset. & he said hes not goin back b/c he doesnt wanna get married right now.
Quoting evilangel198431:
I would give him the option of doing it or leaving