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court30
Being a stepmother..... could you do it or are you one? *long post*
by court30
October 17, 2011 at 11:12 AM

First i just want to say this is kind of hard for me to reach out and ask about! I feel like i am a bad person for even feeling how i do but i dont have anyone i can really talk with about it and i just need some advice or just to vent maybe. My problem is that i am not sure that i am cut out to be a stepmother! I myself have 5 children and my fiance has two. His youngest is 6 and is always crying for his mom and i get it i really do but she lets him get away with murder at her house so when he is at mine he acts like he can do what he wants when he wants which doesnt fly with me. He also likes to jump on the furniture which i dont allow and when i say stop he tells me its not yours. See we got rid of my couch and love seat to use his since i liked it more. My soon to be 5 year old watches this and thinks that he can now be like this which has changed how my son acts in a big way. I mean this child will open like a fruit snack or pack of crackers and throw the trash in the floor and when you ask him to please pick it up he will laugh and say no you do it. So when i say no you did you pick it up he says you are not my mom and then goes crying to his dad he wants his mom. Oh and they baby talking makes me want to pull my hair out he is 6 and still says daa daa like a baby amongst mostly everything else and it just gets under my skin! Now his daughter...... He adopted her when she was 4 she is his ex wifes daughter but he is such a great dad that you would never know she wasnt his and to him she is as good as if he was her bio father. She takes meds for adhd well is suppose to be on meds anyway but she likes to put the pill in the side of her mouth and spit it out when her dad walks away. I know this because my daughters have seen her do this many times. I have come to her dad and told him but he says no i know she took it but i can tell by h ow she acts that she hasnt!  She also lies and i mean flat out lies about everything!! Her mother is crazy and when i say crazy i mean she has been committed in the past and she is bi polar but wont take meds and she likes to play mind games with her kids and i know this since i have to deal with the mother way more than i should have to because she calls my home acting crazy if we have the kids or not. Right now they are week to week because we live on the same street as his ex wife does just a few houses down from the other. His daughter has been friends with my girls for 2 years now but when a child just spends the night here and there you dont get to know them like i know her now and i am just in shock at the things this child has done and said and my girls which are 9 and 13 are starting to act up just like my son has been. His daughter is 11 and she had the nerve to tell my girls that the lotion she squirted on the ground looked like cum. When my girls came to me asking me what she was talking about i about died!! I just dont know if i can do this much longer! I love my fiance so very much i really do and i even love the kids but i thought i could make a difference with them and i know i just cant do it! Sorry so long i just had to get this out!!

Replies

  • BonitaM
    by BonitaM
    October 17, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    Yikes!  No, I don't think I could handle that.  Can you guys maybe see if you can get full custody of them...I know it would take a long time but maybe if they weren't going back and forth they'd have a more stable environment and you guys can raise them better.  Good luck!

  • court30
    by court30
    October 17, 2011 at 11:28 AM

    Well we live in Georgia now but are trying to plan on making a move to NC soon so we would have them half the summer and during school vacations but for a few months still we will be here. I really dont think i could do it all the time since i am having such a hard time with the few days a week! She changes when we have them all the time which also drives me crazy! He is a family guy and she likes to run and party so when she wants to run she will be like this week you get this day and that blah blah. He has put his foot down so it is a bit more predictable now as to when we will have them but right now they are waiting to go to court to make some changes to the agreement because she got fired and now wants money out of Josh which is nuts! Her mother and herself have a shopping problem and her mother was just in busted magazine yet again for stealing at CVS this time. Oh i forgot to mention the grandmother lives down the street also with the ex and she even calls my house almost everyday for no reason!!

  • 2lilmamas
    October 17, 2011 at 11:31 AM

     Hmm thats a very tough situation.. Its complicated.But you should have an opne heart conversation with your fiance if you wantthings to change for the better.

  • AnGLInterrupted
    October 17, 2011 at 11:37 AM

    You need to sit down with your fiance and have a very open chat with him.  You need to be honest with him about the things you've seen/heard.  He needs to know that his children ARE acting this way, that they ARE saying these things, and he needs to be the one to put his foot down.  He needs to decide how to handle this, and how to handle his ex-wife.  Personally, this woman sounds like she has a toxic personality, and maybe you and your fiance should offer to take the children FULL time until she gets her crap straightened out.  There's no reason whatsoever for an 11 year old girl to know what cum looks like.  You [preferably you] should sit down with her and ask her where in the world she came into that knowledge.  I say it should be you because you are a female, and 11 year old girls [most of them] are too embarrassed to even talk to their father about pads/tampons and bras let alone body fluids.  I wish you luck honey, and I pray that everything turns out all right.  [hugs]

  • amanda_mom89
    October 17, 2011 at 11:44 AM
    Yep. I'm a stepmom to a 2 year old girl. Can't say I love every minute of it but it's worth it!

    You should join a stepmom group on here. There are sooooo many different step situations. I'm positive someone could give you some great advice.
  • Davina07
    October 17, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    first of all, he needs to see all the signs. if the ex is bi -polar. he needs to get custody of the kids. they need a stable home. i know a family in the same issue. the good thing is Dad won custody over the kids and now they are on a long road to even things out. but i know it will all work. don't give up, just find ways to be positive. that may mean the ex wife only gets her kids on the weekends. everyone needs to be on the same level. so maybe a sit down with all the adults is the right thing to do.; 

  • court30
    by court30
    October 17, 2011 at 11:48 AM

    Thanks for the kind words and i need all the prayers and hugs i can get!! She wont let us have the kids because she is going after him for money so she wants the kids more often now so she can get his money. Right now he doesnt pay her anything because it is 50/50 see her mom lives with them so she has a sitter whenever she wants but they are both nuts!! I did ask her where she learned that and she was like oh i heard it at school and acted like it was funny and no big deal. When i talk to my fiance he just looks at me all sad and say so you dont like my kids which makes me feel awful i mean i have been down right honest and he does put his foot down with them and make them respect me when they dont in front of him or when i tell him they have done something he needs to know about. He is also in a tough spot since they have started to turn on him because when he gets on them for not respecting me they cry for their mom and tell their dad how bad and mean he is which just hurts him so much. The 11 year old is real big on playing sides and manipulating the whole situation to her advantage which i have seen her mom do over and over. It is just a tough situation all the way around but i thank you so much for the kind words and letting me vent!!

  • court30
    by court30
    October 17, 2011 at 11:49 AM


    Quoting amanda_mom89:

    Yep. I'm a stepmom to a 2 year old girl. Can't say I love every minute of it but it's worth it!

    You should join a stepmom group on here. There are sooooo many different step situations. I'm positive someone could give you some great advice.

    That would be great! I need all the help and support i can get!!

  • maryj.77
    October 17, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    I just signed up for this, looking for support as a step mom as well. Although our situations are a bit different, we have a lot in common! The guilt of not being able to truely treat them like your own.. Crazy ex-wives, your own kids who see this behavior, it's so frustrating. And in the end I find myself upset with my husband, which I hate feeling like. My step daughter is 15, and recently started living with us in April, because she was getting into so much trouble.I've known her since she was 5, but she's a teen now, and a manipulitve one. Daddy's little girl. They have a bond, which makes me feel unwelcome in my own home. I always feel like the bad guy. It's like talking to 2 teenagers when they're together. And my younger daughters are starting to act like her.I won't go to much more into it, because I would be typing all day. I would like you to know your not alone!Unfortunatly, I have no good advice, but vent away!!

  • AnGLInterrupted
    October 17, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    He needs to go back to court and get the custody agreement adjusted.  For the well-being of the kids.  Who cares if they think he's mean.  Who cares if they cry?  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but he's the parent..  and he needs to man up and get them out of that situation.  It's up to him to ensure that his children are raised with morals and values in a happy, healthy enviroment.  Obviously their mother isn't going to do so.. 

    There are times I thought my parents were mean.  There are times I cried because life was unfair.  I turned out just fine.  I don't hate my dad for telling me no.  I don't hate my mom for teaching me respect.  I turned out better for it.  I still say you should sit him down and chat with him.  Be sure to let him know though, that you LOVE him AND his kids, and that's why you're doing this..  NOT because you don't like them, but because you want a better future for them.  [hugs]

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