Love & Marriage

campomommy
He said he is thinking about stuff and junk... ough
November 23, 2010 at 8:47 PM

He is really terrible, my dh said he wanted a divorce, got a new girlfriend and everything. he is neglectful to the kids and me. Ive asked for a chance to fix things and he said no, ive begged pleaded and cried at him, nothing. he has been gone for a full 2 weeks now (problems for a month before that) and today when he came by to see the kids he said quietly "i miss you guys" now i dont even really know if i was included in the you guys, but i think so.. i asked him what he said and he repeated it. (if he meant just the boys he would have said "i said i missed the kids" or something.. right? during the visit he actually let himself smile a time or two at things i said no less!.. then when he was leavin, he said hes thinkin about stuff and junk and that he would come by again tomorrow after school, and before work to see the kids again. But, he is so terrible, I know that I could meet a great new guy who would treat me like a queen, one who at least wouldnt neglect me... But i still just want dh to come home. I love him flaws and all, maybe, quite possibly, I'm stupid for that but i just want him back. I am afraid to give all this much hope and thought though.. is two weeks really enough time for him to realize he is an ass and he regrets his decision already? Another thing i am afraid of is, EVERYONE knows the Whole situation, and i know quite a few people would be so very disappointed in me if i took him back (if he wants that) .... I have been on my road to becoming a independent confident woman, and I know that if he came back i wouldnt lose my progress, but what if he comes back and then in another 6 months he wants to leave again? i like to think i would have built up my independance and maybe it wouldnt be so hard to take in again? Idk, What do i do? Hell i dont even know if he is actually thinking about coming home, maybe im thinking of all this for nothing.. So, I continue my lawyer search? and my applications for assistance, and all the other business involved? I hate that I love him. I hate it.

ETA, reply 8

ETA:

 I've been thinking about it all day. I think I am deluding myself about his intentions.. I piss him off and he thinks I am crazy, so, there's no way he would be reconsidering.. no, it just doesn't sound like him.. That's it, I've decided I am delusional.

Replies

  • jenbscott
    November 23, 2010 at 9:19 PM

    Sometimes it takes for someone to lose everything for them to realize what they had....

    Two weeks can be enough time IF he realized what he did to you and is willing to change BUT it doesn't mean what he did in the past won't happen again. "Thinking about stuff and junk"...you said that he would come by to see the KIDS. Did he say anything about you? Why don't you two have a talk? See what exactly he is really missing. Then go from there.

  • alisha34886
    November 23, 2010 at 10:06 PM

    Honey,your better off without him.I know you love him,but a man who cheats on you and is neglectful isn't worth keeping.You can do much better.If he cheats once he will do it again.If he leaves once he will also do that again.You need to think about you and your kids.Kick him to the curb.I been in this situation like you and it only gets worse.

  • orange4agua72
    November 23, 2010 at 10:12 PM

     BIG HUGS HUN!!! I'm SO sorry you are going through this, especially around the holiday season.

    He OBVIOUSLY is making STRIDES for himself and if you just keep PLEADING with him, he'll ONLY think he's STILL better than you. I KNOW it's hard, but stay strong and just keep being a good mommy. Do what you HAVE to do to get by and pray for him everyday. NOT to change his mind, but maybe to realise the error in his ways! LOVE him more everyday and respect him for WHO HE IS. He'll NEVER respect you, if you don't respect him back (I know it's hard in this situation, but it's true)

    Like I said,  BIG BIG BIG HUGS!!!!

  • KatieJo81
    November 23, 2010 at 10:24 PM

    I think I would hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Since you don't truly know what he wants, continue on your path preparing yourself to be independant and strong for your children and yourself. I agree with jen that 2 weeks can be long enough for someone to realize they've made a mistake. At some point you need to have a sit down with him and find out exactly what he does want so that everyone is able to move forward no matter which path you take. Its absolutely understandable to still love him, miss him, want him back. The fact that he left abruptly, didn't want to work to fix things, got a girlfriend, all would have been a huge shock to me. Keep your chin held up high.

  • MSully3
    by MSully3
    November 23, 2010 at 10:31 PM
    Idk that sounds like what my stbx did. I was pretty ok being alone at first...but I was terrified to be alone to raise 3 kids, and he knew that. He would play that stuff...'i miss u, miss the kids, miss my family..blah blah blah' I didn't put much faith in what he said, but partially believed him. So I told him to show me, by calln, texting, coming by more(he was living somewhere else). I find out the hard way he only wanted to keep me from dating other guys. He had the ' if I can't have you no one else can' attitude. I had been barely been talking to, my BF now, then, and he flipped out hardcore. So I cut all ties..said we were 100% over, I was tired of being treated like shit, I didn't know where the road this new man would take me, but there's nothing worse then how stbx treatd me, so ill take my chances.
    Little did I know he had already knocked up the girl stayn with him...and they were bf/gf from day 1...mofo playn both sides....didn't find that out till months and months later.
    I'm glad I did it though...almost 8 months later BF and I are so very happy we met, I'm growing as a person, learning how to be in a stable/functioning relationship...and stbx is repeating history..knocked up some random girl (yeap that was me 7 yrs ago), and will probably never grow up.

    What does your heart tell you? Why wouldn't he be a man(not saying he's not) and be bold in what he is saying? I believe that if a man truly misses and wants his family back he will fight for them, do everything in their power to show they care, and want them back. Not flip flop, show no outwardly emotion, make silly decisions (get into another relationship immediately, live the single life, etc). But that's just my opinion.
  • ShannaBee
    November 24, 2010 at 12:41 AM
    He may be realizing his mistake and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Speak up and ask him what he has on his mind.
  • mizhoward
    November 24, 2010 at 2:10 AM
    I have been down that road before and I believed my stbx when he said that he wasn't cheating and I found out different. I took him back and he would do good for a while and then go back to doing the same thing. I finally got tired and refused to let him cone back. You have to think about yourself and the kids.


  • campomommy
    November 24, 2010 at 8:27 AM

    Well I havent begged or pleaded in about a week. Ive just been doing my own thing. Previously I told him we should work it out and I would fix all the things I was doing wrong, but now (Ive already 'fixed' myself for myself) He has some fixing to do, some major work. lol, he should have taken me up 2 weeks ago when I was weak and he had a free ride... :P Now, I have seen the light, I know all his problems were his problems, and he needs to fix them, because I will not settle for the crappy life we had together before. So I think I will hope for the best, but know that he will probably fail one way or another.

  • SlightlyPerfect
    November 24, 2010 at 8:31 AM

    But if you take him back this time, what's to say he won't go out again but that time be happy with his decision? This time he isn't happy, but there's nothing stopping him from doing it again and again until he is.He has to understand this on principle, not just in practice.

    I don't know. This is a tough call, and only you and him know the answer. But even if he has come to the realization on principle that family is far more important than idiotic girlfriends and wild nights, you have to ask yourself whether you can make your lack of trust and potential insecurities work in this relationship. Will he support you? Will he change? Only time can answer that.

  • Mom2Jack04
    November 24, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    From my own personal experience.  Men who can be selfish enough to break up his family and immediately have a "girlfriend" while still married rarely change their ways.  He wants the stability of a family but to be able to leave and play around whenever he wants to.  Taking back just says you are accepting that kind of behavior.  You and your kids are worth more.

Love & Marriage