My whole life i been really good at keeping things inside(feelings & thoughts) once i had my first DD i was jst telling anyone who wld listen my problems and everything and it felt like a relief being able to do that.. but now im back to keeping it all to myself.. im 21 with very LITTLE friends if u wanna call them that..but i knw i cant trust them.. i have my BD who i consider my best friend but i cant even talk to him anymore.. im so lost idk who i even am anymore. i had a talk with my pastor last week to start my ministry in singing again but he made it very clear that its not going to happen til we fix our home life first(Mine & BD relationship) the only problem is he wants to have a meeting with me and BD but i knw BD is going to me more than mad about it cuz he doesnt even talk to me about where our relationship stands.. its been the another VERY BAD month for me with our relationship, im jst not 100% sure i wanna wait for him to decide if he wants to be with me(marry me) its been almost 4 yrs and im more then ready to be settled down and i tell everyone who asks that we are so happy and a couple but the truth is we arent a couple at all and im really the only one who considers us a couple.. i wanna tell the pastor i dnt wanna sing anymore jst so we dnt have to go thru with the meeting but i really really love singing i been doing it since i was little.. my BD knws nothing about any of this and i tried talking to him right now its 4:15 am he came home from his friends house next door around 2 almost 3 am but now he saying he doesnt want to talk and he is tired and has to work in the morning so that leaves me alone in the room(we dnt sleep in the same room) crying myself to sleep like most nights than i text him "thank you one again for leaving me crying alone when all i wanted to do was talk" his response was " calm down already you shldnt even be crying for what jst relax and go to sleep"... like really all i wanted was someone who is my best friend to talk to and i cant even do that.. idk how much longer i can do this im so alone and broken idk how to even fix myself anymore idk who i am :(
March 30 at 8:09 AM
first of all keeping feelings inside is not good for you health wise. i believe if you really want any good friends, i would try to find them in your church. perhaps you can go to more church events and feel better. i would suggest a therapist to talk to or perhaps join a support team of some sort. if after 4 years he is not sure if he wants to be with you, then most likely he never will. you do not need that meeting with that pastor in order to decide whether you want to stay together or not. you have to do what makes you happiest in life. we are not suppose to expect someone else to make up happy. God fulfills that role if you let him. instead of being out to wee hours of the morning with his friends he should of been home with you talking. if you do not sleep in the same room after 4 years there definitely must be a problem. the only way i can figure to fix yourself is to leave and just be friends if you choose. some people are just meant to be friends and not in relationships.there is no reason to waist your tears on someone who does not seem to be concerned. you would be better on your own.
That guy is a big part of what is dragging you down. He sounds pretty immature. Doesn't really sound like he is ready to get married.
Are you taking any medication for depression? Have you been diagnosed with depression?
If so I would recommend you don't just wait and see - because you need to take care of yourself and prevent depression from taking over.
After four years maybe it is better to let this one go and move on. Even if you did get married would he really be able to be the type of partner you need, or would he be someone who would be hanging out somewhere else til 4 am while you are alone and upset about something? That he lacks some empathy and sense of responsibility, that isn't going to change.
Sometimes when we are depressed we 'settle' for someone who really isn't capable of being a good partner, simply because depression convinces us we are not 'worthy' of someone better or that 'no one else will want' us. Don't let depression talk you into such things. Those beliefs are just not true- they come out of depression.
There is someone out there who would be a lot nicer partner to you. You just have to find him - usually that happens when you aren't even looking!
hun, it sounds like you need to get out of that relationship. that is just causing you more stress. it doesnt sound like you are a couple. im assuming your pastor would let you back in the choir if you werent living with him. it really sounds like things would be better if you walk out of this relationship. you deserve someone who will treat you like a lady. i dont necessarily agree with the pastors decision. i go to a church and if you want to sing in the choir they dont judge you and would let you sing. my daughter sings and she is single with three kids at 21 and they are always inviting her to sing. think about getting out of the relationship. do you have somewhere else to go and stay. if not you could always get on pa and make your bf pay child support. good luck.