Depression Support Center

lovinlife2005
New to group. Trying to handle deep depression and struggling to stay afloat.
February 3, 2013 at 8:15 PM

Hello, 

I have struggled with depression since I was 12. I am 26 now and my depression is at an all time low. I considered suicide on Thursday, but reached out when the thought wouldn't go away. I had an emergency counseling session that night and it helped b/c she reminded me that I have two babies at home to care for. However, it is a struggle every single day to not give into the anger and anxiety I have.

I have had so many issues in the past and present that affect me. Right now, I am struggling with my husband pretty much just existing and me supporting him and our girls. I can barely support us and so we had to move in with his family for the 2nd time. As if financial and marital problems weren't enough, I have to deal with his family which is from another culture. I also have issues from my side of the family. I have a sister who we mutually leave each other alone. My brother has his own life and really doesn't want much to do with anyone and lives across the country. My mother has prescription pill issues and alcohol issues. Then the one person I could go to is dead, my dad. He died in 2004 from an inherited disease. I pretty much have no one. I have problems making friends. It is like I can make them and then push them away b/c I don't want anyone too close to me.

I pretty much have hate for myself and am having a hard time trying to find anything to love about myself. I don't overeat, but I eat all the wrong things for comfort. I am obese, by my own doing and it kind of crept up on me. I need to get the weight off and then maybe I will start to love myself, but I have no motivation. My two girls should be enough motivation, but I don't know what is wrong with me. I didn't start gaining all this weight until I met my husband. I was always a little chunky, but when my dad died in 2004 and I met my husband, it just ballooned out. I hate myself for getting this big. Its unhealthy and I don't feed my girls like this, they are 9 months and 2 years old. 

Then there is my marriage. My husband just seems like I am a burden on him. It has always felt like this. We might have a good month or two and then things fall back into the same cycle. He is ALWAYS hooked on some game, but swears it isn't because of me. Then he will sleep if not on a game. In fact, he has been in bed ALL day.

I'm going to stop here, because there is just too much for one post. I even feel like all of this is petty because so many others are going through worse, but I need to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading and if any responses, but I really needed to just get this down and out my head tonight.

-Stephanie


Replies

  • Pinkmani
    February 3, 2013 at 8:30 PM

    Sounds like you're both going through some issues. I can totally relate to depression at a young age (16). My parents didn't know about it until I was 17. By the time I was 18, I found out that Lexapro was my savior! The best thing you can do for yourself right now is get some prescription meds. Lexapro works the fastest because it's the only true SSRI. With Lexapro, I still had occasional meltdowns.

    I'm assuming that money is pretty tight since you moved in with your in-laws. If you can't afford your prescription, look for your local city mental health place that will give it to you cheaper or for free. 

    Maybe you can call your sister and just let her know that you're going through this hard time. Even though your not close, you never know if she's been through the same thing. Maybe she can come and do a girls weekend. 

    I think it's also a lot harder for you because your kids aren't school-aged yet. I would think if they were in school you could have a few moments to yourself. 


    Keep your head up, I KNOW IT IS HARD!

  • Tracys2
    by Tracys2
    February 3, 2013 at 9:19 PM

    Wow, no... if you ae in enough pain that you want to end your rlife, it is NOT petty!

    Sounds like there's a lot on you plate and your husband needs some help as well. I'd bet if you could see clearly, there would be a lot about yourself to love. You certainly write well and sound tough, supporting your whole family and putting up with so much. I hope you can find your way out of this soon. It sounds exhausting!

    And welcome to the group. I hope you stick around.

  • lovinlife2005
    February 3, 2013 at 9:52 PM


    Thank you for the kind words. I am hoping that by getting counseling, I can start to see things more clearly. Everything is so clouded in anger, but yet I feel weak. I hope to stay in the group and learn how others deal with the same issues or even how to deal with different issues that may apply to mine.

    Thank you.

    Quoting Tracys2:

    Wow, no... if you ae in enough pain that you want to end your rlife, it is NOT petty!

    Sounds like there's a lot on you plate and your husband needs some help as well. I'd bet if you could see clearly, there would be a lot about yourself to love. You certainly write well and sound tough, supporting your whole family and putting up with so much. I hope you can find your way out of this soon. It sounds exhausting!

    And welcome to the group. I hope you stick around.



  • twistandshout
    February 3, 2013 at 9:54 PM

     Hello, I'm Kathy and it is nice to meet you. I am sorry for all the things you are going through. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with little help. I am glad that you have reached out to C.M. there are a lot of really cool Ladies here that will offer you their advice and maybe something will help. It can't be good living with ya in laws for the second time. I feel for ya. Are you working outside the home? Do you have a church you go to? These could be a release for you. A clinic could help you with the depression and anxiety. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there and love those babies. I know it is hard cause I been through it. Keep us up dated please. In the mean time prayers for you.praying

  • leahbeah143
    February 3, 2013 at 9:54 PM

     hugs and welcome to the group!

    You did the right thing by reaching out when you felt you were in trouble. Does your husband know how bad you've been feeling lately?

  • lovinlife2005
    February 3, 2013 at 10:04 PM


    Thank you. I am working outside the home and struggling to even do well at that job. They say I do a good job, but I just feel like poop when there and have bad anxiety there. I worry about my kids when I am at work and feel like I need to be in control. I am going to start going to church. I was going to go with my husband this morning, but he wouldn't get up and it was the start of a huge struggle with him today. I am trying, so I hope something turns out for me.

    Quoting twistandshout:

     Hello, I'm Kathy and it is nice to meet you. I am sorry for all the things you are going through. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with little help. I am glad that you have reached out to C.M. there are a lot of really cool Ladies here that will offer you their advice and maybe something will help. It can't be good living with ya in laws for the second time. I feel for ya. Are you working outside the home? Do you have a church you go to? These could be a release for you. A clinic could help you with the depression and anxiety. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there and love those babies. I know it is hard cause I been through it. Keep us up dated please. In the mean time prayers for you.praying



  • lovinlife2005
    February 3, 2013 at 10:06 PM


    Thank you. He knows and I usually try to go to him first, but can never express what is bothering me in words. I recently went to him about this past Thursday and how low I got and he tells me it's in my head and I can choose not to give in to the thoughts. He thinks that depression is a weakness and that I can will away any and all negative thoughts. I am finding it pointless to go to him with anything.

    Quoting leahbeah143:

     hugs and welcome to the group!

    You did the right thing by reaching out when you felt you were in trouble. Does your husband know how bad you've been feeling lately?



  • twistandshout
    February 3, 2013 at 10:08 PM

     anxiety comes because things are out of control. Try to "real" things alittle at the time. Could you have gone to church yourself without him? Does he control you to that extent? You are really young to be going through all of this. Wow.

     

  • lovinlife2005
    February 3, 2013 at 10:17 PM


    He wouldn't have watched our girls so I could go. I didn't feel like dragging both of them to 1hr long or more service by myself. When he just refused to get out of bed, I felt so angry and felt like I needed to try to control the situation and I couldn't. I don't know why I let his behavior have such an effect on me, but it does. I feel like, why be married if we cannot do things together or work together on most all issues. Part of me thinks he doesn't want me around, even though he says he does. His actions speak louder than his words for the time being.

    Quoting twistandshout:

     anxiety comes because things are out of control. Try to "real" things alittle at the time. Could you have gone to church yourself without him? Does he control you to that extent? You are really young to be going through all of this. Wow.

     



  • twistandshout
    February 3, 2013 at 10:29 PM

     Yea, most men do not want to care for the very young children that have to be changed, feed and constantly watched. Which is no excuse. Ya, know as far as church goes. Try gitting up early and getting the kid ready and go to sunday school then church service caues they usally have a nursery and it would give the children and you some good time spent with good people. If your husband sees that you are having a nice time at church then he may go with you. Who knows. I do know know that you need some time away from that house and thar situation.

     

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