Parenting Positive Kids

Crystal2985
Influences from Others.....
August 18, 2012 at 8:55 AM

Hi all, I decided to post this problem in this particular group because, for the most part, she is a positive child. But sometimes, my 7 year old daughter is easily influenced, which I'm sure most are. The problem is, she's influenced by people who should be helping her grow. Let me explain....

Her father and I have never been together. I got pregnant at 19 and had this beautiful bundle of joy. He was abusive, and I admit I tried keeping him out of her life. After court visits, paternity tests, and a little self reflection and growth, I came around and he got visits and what not. It hasn't been the easiest 7 years, but lots of things have changed. I met an amazing man. We are expecting a child at the end of this month and plan on getting married. We moved in with him 2 years ago when my daughter was starting school.

All this probably sounds great!! The problem comes in with the fact that she started calling my boyfriend Dad. Her real father causes a huge stink. He tells his daughter its wrong and makes her feel awful. Then she comes home with an attitude towards us. We never asked her to call him dad, she picked it up on her own. Her father is in and out of jobs, is behind on his child support and goes weeks without calling her. But he makes us out to be the bad guys. I was thinking of counseling for my daughter, but I'm so confused. Should we be telling her not to call him dad?? He provides everything for her. We don't speak a word of bad about her father to her, and I'm sick of him filling her head with this. Her father went so far as to tell her how I tried to keep him away from her. I have tried talking to him, with no avail. Any advise??

Replies

  • Crystal2985
    August 20, 2012 at 9:29 AM

    Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the insight. I didn't mean to bring his financials into it, I guess that just urks me because when he didn't have a job and wasn't paying his child support, somehow he bought her a large pool and a trampoline. But again, that doesn't really matter.

    I did explain to her though, that if her dad did get a girlfriend, or was to get married, that it would be ok to call that woman mom, or some form of mom, if thats what she felt comfortable with. And I'm sure when it does happen, it will burn a bit. Her father said its more of respect thing than anything else. He feels disrespected. She still calls him daddy.

  • Crystal2985
    August 20, 2012 at 9:37 AM


    Quoting one_on_the_way:

    What kind of attitude does she have toward you after being with her dad?

    Honestly, when she does have a visit with her father, she comes home angry. She argues with us about everything. Her father has some anger issues, thats part of the reason he's in and out of jobs. He says he can't work for someone and can't work with other people. I'm not trying to say he's not a good father. She does enjoy spending time with him, especially after he bought her the pool and trampoline. But visits are sporatic as are phone calls, maybe twice a week if we're lucky. She'll call him and he'll tell her he's busy and will call her back, then it will be a few days before we hear from him. She's a very verbose 7 year old, so I'm even thinking a group meeting with just the adults, so we can all get on the same page.

  • mrswillie
    August 20, 2012 at 9:51 AM

    I have mixed feelings on this.  I so disagree on a boyfriend being called dad.  In a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, their is no real hard commitment.  Children need stability.  I also find it hard to believe dd, out of nowhere started calling him Dad.  She had to here it from somewhere.

    My ds (23) have been with the mother of his step son since the step son was 6 months old. He never called my son dad, even after he married when my stepson was 3. It wasn't until ds & his wife had a child, and my son started being refered to as dad to his bio-son, did step son start it.

    With that said...I do believe if a step father is raising the child, it is ok, IF it is the child's decision to do it and IF the child has not been influenced in any way.

    Dh & I have been married 11 years. After about 5 years when talking about dh, my youngest (16) woud say, "Mom & Dad" but called dh by his name.  About 4 years ago bio-dad walked out on ds. About 9 months ago ds started calling dh Dad to his face, but only sometimes.  Now he calls him Dad most of the time.

  • jessi2girls
    August 20, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    I think counseling is a good start yes.

    I don't think it's wrong of her to call her step father, dad, if she feels like he is a father to her. 


  • mrswillie
    August 20, 2012 at 9:54 AM


    Quoting Crystal2985:


    Quoting one_on_the_way:

    What kind of attitude does she have toward you after being with her dad?

    Honestly, when she does have a visit with her father, she comes home angry. She argues with us about everything. Her father has some anger issues, thats part of the reason he's in and out of jobs. He says he can't work for someone and can't work with other people. I'm not trying to say he's not a good father. She does enjoy spending time with him, especially after he bought her the pool and trampoline. But visits are sporatic as are phone calls, maybe twice a week if we're lucky. She'll call him and he'll tell her he's busy and will call her back, then it will be a few days before we hear from him. She's a very verbose 7 year old, so I'm even thinking a group meeting with just the adults, so we can all get on the same page.

    The attitude is normal.  She has to deal with 2 houses, 2 sets of rules.  I went through is with my children, now oldest ds is going through it with his step son.  It is totally normal.

    When i happened to us, it would only last 24 hours.  We finally just started telling ds, "You are in our home now and you know that attitude is unexceptable." If it happened again, ds would get sent to sit on his bed for 5 minutes.

  • Lynette
    by Lynette
    August 20, 2012 at 9:55 AM

    my mom remarried when I was 4 and w/out promting I started calling him Dad.  My biofather also hated that so when we were around him we called him Dad and my step dad by his first name.  Now as an adult I still call my stepfather Dad, because that is who he is too me.  My biofather though doesn't deserve that title so I now call him by his first name, Robb.  My mom had a plake in her house that read "Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy."  Those words meant a lot to me growing up and they helped me to know that my biofather didn't really deserve the name Dad so I wasn't betraying the man who I thought oof as Dad by having to call him that.  When I got married I didn't even invite my biofather to the wedding, but Dad walked me down the isle.  And now that Dad is Grandpa to my 4 children.  My mom did have us go to counciling to help through all this.  My mom never said anything bad about my biofather growing up and never pushed us to call my stepfather Dad, it was what we wanted.  Hugs

  • Momof72011
    August 20, 2012 at 9:55 AM

    I agree with the other moms. We have 7 children! 5 that were already here when we got together, and 2 together. He knew from day one about them and has always wanted a big family! He has been there for them since he met them. They love him so much too! I have never seen him excercise favortism. He will tell anyone that they are all his children! They call him dad as well! Their fathers were abusive, in and out of jail, and selfish. I do not talk negatively about them to my children. They are upset because the children they took for granted was being loved and reared by another man. I explained to them that no one can take thier place, but he a father to them in every sense of the word. We have been together for 5 years. The community and our friends love our family and the close-knit bond we all have. The fact is, children need to know someone loves them unconditionally. Someone who encourages them and praises thier accomplishments. If your ex is emotionally abusing her, I would get sole custody and make notes of that and see about having supervised visitation with her. No one, not even her own father should be manipulating her. That will destroy her self-esteem and cause problems in her adult life. The important thing is that she is happy. Great job picking a good man. I wish you lots of blessings and stay encouraged!

  • Lynette
    by Lynette
    August 20, 2012 at 9:59 AM

    My older brother and I used to come home w/ bad moods after seeing our biofather too.  Part of the routine when getting home from his house was to take a bath and put on fresh clothes.  That washed away the cigarette smoke from his house and it helped us to reset our moods.  It's hard on a kid having to deal with all these emotions. 

  • alexvitte
    August 20, 2012 at 10:03 AM

    if she likes calling him dad then its perfectly fine. it sounds like your soon to be husband is more of  a father to her than her biological one. i dont understand why guys that are barely around their children get mad when their child is calling someone else dad, that is actually taking care of them, spending quality time, and supporting them. i mean they are never going to stop being their dads, but if maybe they spent some time with their child, the child would call them dad and the other stepdad.

    my mom remarried when i was 8. and my stepdad turned into my DAD not stepdad. he would actually spend time with me, give me advice, dicipline me, etc... he earned the right for me to call him dad. my mom is not with him anymore, but to me he's still my dad and  i still keep in touch with him. to me my stepdad became my dad, and my bio-dad my father. 

    i think counseling is a good choice. good luck ;)

  • LuvingRN
    August 20, 2012 at 10:21 AM
    I have a similar situation...

    My daughters father and I were never married and I got pregnant on the pill. When I told him I was pregnant, he went off the deep end...even to the point where I woke up with his hands around my throat. I immediately move out.

    I met DH when I was 3 months pregnant. So needless to say my daughter felt that he was her dad eventhough we never encouraged it. Fast forward...bio dad came back into the picture & after a horrific court battle, I put my differences aside for my daughter.

    She now feels that she has 2 dads and that works for her. I think we as adults need to put our feelings aside and let our kids make the decision as to who they want to call what. If oyr daughter wants to call both men in her life DAD then let her, bio dad needs to get over it.

    Good luck!!

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