Moms with Teens

csjoy1
DON'T GIVE UP ON "HOPE" EVEN IN THE MIST OF THE STORM
by csjoy1
September 3, 2009 at 5:13 PM

HOPE -  HAS A GREATER UNDERSTANDING, ESPECIALLY NOW THEN EVER BEFORE.   ASKING, PRAYING, AND GATHERING SUPPORT THROUGH FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CAFE MOMS,  AND BELIEF IN MY GOD, JESUS HAS BROUGHT ME COMFORT IN WAY THAT I COULD NOT HAVE EVER IMAGINED.  WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE A LONG TIME COMING, AND THOUGH THE DAYS OF HEARTBREAK FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY TO ME, BECAUSE OF THE PERSON THAT I AM, GOD TRULY UNDERSTOOD THIS WAS A RELENTLESS PAIN, MORE PAINSAKING THAN MY X AND HIS DRINKING AND RUINED MARRIAGE.  

  THE LOVE I EXPERIENCED WITH HAVING A SON WAS LOVE THAT WAS UN-IMAGINABLE.  THE LOVE OF A MOTHER'S LOVE IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER.  WHEN I HAD TO ACT UPON TOUGH LOVE TOWARDS MY SON IT FELT AS IF I WAS HAVING TO BE AGAINST THE WALL A WALL THAT WOULD NOT BUDGE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED TO MOVE IT.  IT WAS NOT EASY TO FOLLOW THROUGH ESPECIALLY CAUSE  MY HEART AND HEAD PREFERRED NOT TOO.   IT  WAS ACTING THROUGH BLIND FAITH, AND WITH  MY BOY FRIEND, YOU CAFE MOMS, FRIENDS, BOOKS AND FAMILY  ENCOURAGEMENT, COUPLED WITH PRAYER AND HOPE EVEN THOUGH IT WAS TORTURE FOR ME WAS WHAT KEPT ME CONSISTENT AND I FOLLOWED THROUGH.    IT WAS AS I WAS HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, I DELAYED IT TILL I COULD NOT.   WHAT I DIDN'T GET TO EXPERIENCE WITH MY X, BECAUSE I TRULY DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART FELT DESIRE OR HOPE, I KNOW THAT NOW.   BUT FOR MY SON IT WAS A  TRUE DESIRE TO SEE HIM RISE ABOVE AND FOR US BOTH A HEALING DEEP WITHIN OUR HEARTS AND SOUL THAT I KNEW I WOULD NEVER GIVE UP STRIVING FOR, EVEN IF IT MEANT I DIED TRYING DEATH WOULD BE THE ONLY WAY TO REMOVE MY HOPE.    I FEARED MOST FOR TJ'S  SAFETY, AND IT TOOK HIS PUSHER'S DEATH FOR HIM TO GET THE WAKE UP CALL.  

LAST WEEK HE CALLED ME @ 1:30AM, AND STATED "MOM, I NEED MY MOM"!   I IMMEDIATELY RESPONDED, "TJ, WHERE ARE YOU, ARE YOU OK, AND DO YOU WANT ME TO COME GET YOU"?   HIS RESPONSE WAS "YES, MOM, I NEED YOU PLEASE COME"?   I GOT HIS LOCATION, AND WITHIN MINUTES I WAS IN MY CAR, NOT SURE OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO SEE, I WAS JUST THANKFUL, BEFORE HANGING UP I SAID "I'M ON MY WAY" THEN HE SAID "MOM, I LOVE YOU".  IT WAS THE LONGEST TWENTY MINUTES TO GET TO WHERE HE WAS. 

WHEN I ARRIVED AND OPEN MY CAR DOOR, HE RAN INTO MY ARMS CRYING, AND SAID, "MOM, MY FRIEND DIED TONIGHT", I HELD HIS VERY BONEY BODY, AND STROKE HIS LONG HAIR, AND ALLOWED HIS TEARS AND AGONY TO COME OUT,  THOUGH HE'S TALLER THAN ME, I WAS ABLE TO HOLD HIM FULL WEIGHT AND HE ALLOWED TO DROP CLUTCHING ME WITH HIS WEAKEN STRENGHT OF HIS BODY.  AND IN MY THOUGHTS WERE MEMORIES POURING OF HOLDING HIM THE MANY TIMES HE WAS LITTLE, CRYING, AND I SOOTHING THE PAIN, FOR HE KNEW THERE WAS SHELTER IN MY ARMS.  SHELTER THAT ONLY HIS MOTHER CAN GIVE.

ONCE IN THE CAR, HE EXPLAINED THAT THE KID THAT PROVIDED HIM THE POT,  HAD BEEN WITH A FRIEND THAT PROVIDED HIM PILLS,  AND THOUGH HE WAS A NICE KID, HE LIKE DRUGS, ALL KINDS.   UNFORTUNIATELY HE TOOK PILLS THAT CAUSED A SEIZURE AND THE OTHER KID THAT WAS WITH HIM RAN AWAY AND LEFT HIM TO DIE.  I HELD MY SON, BECAUSE THE TEARS HE CRIED I FELT THAT HE  WASN'T FEELING THE LOST FOR HIS FRIEND, AS IT WAS FOR HIMSELF, KNOWING THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN HIM.   IT APPARENTLY HIT HOME FOR TJ THIS NIGHT,  THE RESULTS OF WHAT I CALL PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH POT, CIRGARETTES, OR DRUGS IN GENERAL ENDED IN SOMEONE ENDING THEIR YOUNG ADULT  LIFE- HE WAS 18 AND GRADUATED WITH TJ.    BUT THIS WAS NOT A NIGHT TO BE ON MY MOTHERING PODIUM, BUT RATHER, GRATEFUL THAT HE HAD COME TO THE  REALIZATION FOR HIMSELF, SINCE THIS WAS NOW A SECOND FRIEND THAT DIED DUE TO DRUGS.  HIS OTHER FRIEND WAS SO DRUGGED OUT, THAT HE CALLED A FRIEND SECONDS BEFORE ENDING HIS LIFE BY THROWING HIMSELF ONTO THE TRACKS OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN.

THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS HAVE BEEN A GOD-SEND WITH A REBUILDING OF TRUST, BOND AND RESPECT AND A NEW START THAT ONLY GOD'S GUIDENCE CAN HELP US CONNECT AS AN ADULT SON NEEDS TOO FOR HIMSELF, FOR HIS FUTURE, AND FOR THE JOY IT WILL BRING HIS MOTHER BECAUSE OF THE GIFT SHE RECIEVED ON THE DAY OF BIRTHING HIM AND ALL THE YEARS TIL NOW.  I PRAY FOR MORE YEARS TIL THE DAY I DIE, SINCE DEATH IS A NORM.

IN THIS JOURNAL, I EXTEND A THANK YOU TO ALL MY CAFE MOM FRIENDS, AND CAFE MOMS THAT REPLIED TO MY POSTS, OR JOURNAL AND FOR THOSE THAT SENT UP A PRAYER IN BEHALF OF MY TJ AND ME, THANK YOU.  

I PERSONALLY EXTEND TO ALL CAFE MOM'S, TOUGH LOVE ISN'T EASY, BUT WHEN PRESS, DO IT AND STAY CONSISTENT, DON'T EVER GIVE UP, DON'T EVER STOP PRAYING, NOT ALL OUTCOMES ARE  FILLED WITH THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW, OR THE WAKE CALL COMES WITHIN A COUPLE OF MONTHS OR YEARS,  OR REMAIN BLACK AND COLD, BUT WHEN WE AS MOM'S RECIEVE A SEASON OF LOVE, CALM, GUILT FREE, CAUSE LIFE IS LIFE AND IT'S NOT ALWAYS A BED OF ROSES, BUT THOSE SEASONS OF RICH WARM SUN EVEN IF THEY ARE CHERISHED MEMORIES, THEY ARE WORTH REMEMBERING AND JUST KEEP ON HOPING....EVEN IF IT'S AS TINY AS A MUSTARD SEED.    THANK YOU, IT'S GREAT TO SEE MY SON AND HOLD HIM AGAIN.  THANK GOD.        CSJOY1

breastfeeding

Replies

  • IndigoGirl1971
    September 3, 2009 at 5:26 PM

    What a beautiful post. Yes, you're right it is important that we don't lose hope for our wayward children.   They need us to show them the way. Bless you.

  • csjoy1
    by csjoy1
    September 3, 2009 at 6:11 PM

    group hugIT'S CAUSE CAFE MOM'S ALL NEED ENCOURAGING ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE ALL THERE FOR ME.   THANK YOU.   CSJOY1

Moms with Teens

Active Posts in All Groups
More Active Posts
Featured Posts in All Groups
More Featured Posts