Moms with Teens

anonymoustoo
Is my daughter a lesbian?
March 18 at 8:58 AM

My daughter, who is now 18, has always been a girly girl...loved her Bratz dolls and American Girl,  dressed like a princess, very into fashion, loved make-up and nail polish etc. All through school she was the same way and actually still is. She's had boyfriends and actually became sexually active with her first real boyfriend when she was just 15. She was so crazy about him as girls that age are but I never thought she would have had sex. Well she did and she told me about it nearly a year later because she was so upset that she had gone through a sexual relationship with this boy and two months later he broke up with her.  After that she had other boyfriends.  One of her boyfriends was a boy she met when she dstarted high school They were friends but I knew she always liked him as something more. Well, they developed a summer relationship and she confessed that she had sex with him as well, but at the beginning of teh new school year, he was gone...still friends but nit interested in her romantically anymore.  Her last boyfriend was a boy she met at work...a local superette. He was the nicest boy and his mom absolutely adored my daughter. His dad was difficult and didn't want his son in a relationship and that was hard on both of them but they muddled through.  They were together for a year and she asked me about going on birth control so I knew they were having sex as well.  A year later, he went off to college. He worked as an RA and felt that it was too much for him with his job, studies and a girlfriend although he told her he still really loved her.  It was very difficult for her.  Shortly thereafter, she began communicating with a girl in California. I know they met online but I'm not sure on which site.  My daughter told me about her and then that fall, asked me if her friend could come to New York to spend the holidays with us. I was uncomfortable with it because she didn't know this girl. I ended up speaking with the girl's mother and she thought it would be a wonderful experience so I allowed it.  That was December 2012. In July 2013, the girl wante dto come back to New York and she had purchased a plane ticket. A couple of weeks before her flight, I found some letters that this girl had written to my daughter telling her she loved her, that she wanted to marry her...she even sent her a ring and when I asked my daughter where she git iut, she lied and told me she bought it. I asked my daughter at that point if she is gay and she said no and that she had straightened things oiut with her friend so that her friend understood there was no relationship other than a friendship between them.  I believed her...maybe I'm naive, but I did. They continued their friendship but I was still suspicious.  My daughter asked if she could go out to California to see her friend on spring break just a couple of weeks ago. I said yes, because after speaking to my therapist, she told me that if my daughter is gay, there is nothing I could do about it anyway.  Before my daughter left for California, I found more letters, again staling about their relationship and how this girl loves my daughter so I pretty much knew there is a relationship. I asked again but my daughter tells me they are friends and that's it.   She came home this past weekend from California and showed me pictures. In some of them, they look like a couple and they also posted some on Tumblr with sayings like...I love her, Babe etc. Both of them posted, not just one of them.  This is killing me.  My husband is disabled and on dialysis. He is also severly depressed and will be going into the hospital very soon.  My daughter does not get along with him, even though he is her dad because she feels he never took care of himself and caused his own issues.  She is also angry because we are suffering financially and in jeopardy of losing our home because we do have enough income. I have a daycare but i have very little enrollment due to the economy. Parents just cant afford it  My daughter is also angry because when my husband was well, he always worked and nevr had time for she or I. On his days off, he slept so we never did many things as a family  and she is resentful.  I have spoken to my therapist as I mentioned and she knows my daughter because she used to see her as well. She does not think my daughter is gay or lesbian but I just don't know.  Please do not judge me. I am a mother and I'm hurting. I just want to know how I can find out of my daughter is a lesbian or is it because of her past relationships with the male gender...her boyfriends and her dad.  Has any other momn out there experienced this?

Replies

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    March 18 at 9:04 AM
    If she is, she is. Support her. I would leave her alone and see where her life takes her. From your post you will not be supportive.
  • Msgme
    by Msgme
    March 18 at 9:12 AM

    What does it matter if she is. My only concern would be that my dd was happy and comfortable with who she was. If I thought she was in a relationship with someone it would upset me that she couldnt confide in me.  I would just support my dd in her life.

  • StreetsAhead
    March 18 at 9:13 AM

    Um My first thought was why are you are looking through her things and reading her letter? They should be private

    Why does it matter? let the girl be. 

    You dont exactly come across that you would be supportive

  • nana776
    by nana776
    March 18 at 9:26 AM

    I went through a period where my dd thought she might be gay. There was nothing I could do about it, the only thing I had any control over was how I decided to deal with it. I have always told my kids that I loved them unconditionally and there was nothing they could ever do to change that. This was a test of that commitment. I choose to accept my dd for who she was, unconditionally.

    It all comes down to what YOU can control and ultimately the only one you can control is yourself. So Mamma, make your choice, accept it and her or risk doing irreparable damage to your relationship with your dd.

  • Hannahluvsdogs
    March 18 at 10:14 AM

    Why does it matter if she's a lesbian? Are you going to treat her differently? If so, that's what you should be working with your therapist on.

  • anonymoustoo
    March 18 at 10:36 AM

    I never said I wouldn't be supportive of my daughter.  You don't know me at all...my daughter is the light of my life and I love her no matter what but I also need to sort out my own emotions.  I'm still a person and I have feelings.  I don't think it's unreasonable for a mom to hurt if she learns that her child might be different, whether it's sexual orientaton, a physical handicap or anything else.  I'm sorry if I came across uncaring or non-supportive, it's just not true. I was just hoping for a little emotional support for myself as well. Thank you anyway.

  • Niccalyn
    March 18 at 12:40 PM

    I do understand that as a mother, you want life to be easier for your child, not more difficult.  And being gay tends to make life difficult.  I have good friends, a male gay couple who are fathers to 4 adopted children.  My husband had lunch with one of the dads and this gay man said of his son: "I just pray he isn't gay." DH was completely baffled and blurted out "How can you say that?" His response: "Being gay is HARD.  And I don't want his life to be hard.'

    With that said, there honestly really isn't anything you can do about it.  If she is, she is.  I know it is easier said than done, but the best thing you can do for both your daughter and yourself is try not to worry about it.  Love her and support her and be there for her during the difficult times.  That's all you can do!  Hugs. :)

  • lazyd
    by lazyd
    March 18 at 1:43 PM

    I know there are some teens (and even little kids) who know what and who they want in life and than there are others who need to take time to figure out their lives.  My daughter is at the same stage in her life.  She is 15, was sexually active.  Now she calls her self "bi".  Im not sure the reasons behind this.  She has had very difficult times with boys/men, so i don't know if this is the reason she may want to be bi or a lesbian or not.  My daughter also has a best friend who is 18 and is bi, and really adores this girl and thinks she is "cool", so my daughter may be wanting to be like her, so she considers her self bi, to be like her friend.  Even at 18, i think your daughter is still figuring out her life.  I mean your daughter could be "experimenting" to see what she is comfortable with, doesn't make her a lesbian, gay or bi or whatever!  I will also support my daughter, no matter who ever or what ever she becomes...And no matter what or who our children become, we still worry and we still want them to be happy.  Just let your daughter be and it sounds like she needs to be in counseling herself - not to tell with her sexuality, but her issues she has with her father and maybe even you.  No one should have reasons or excuses to be something, I just wish they would be who they want to be cuz thats who they are and not base it on anyone or someone else tellin them what to do or who to be!!! 

  • bizzeemom2717
    Jen
    March 19 at 2:21 AM
    I think people are put off that you read her letters. Also your daughter is an adult. I agree let HER sort it out and come to you...make take a lot of time building up that trust now that you have broken it by reading her letters? Also your daughter seriously may not know just yet if she's a lesbian, bi sexual, straight? Some people know right away some take time. Why worry about something you can't control. Also your therapist "thinks she's not gay because she knows her" wth??? I work as a counselor this is UNETHICAL for the therapist to say. She is not a mind reader and does NOT know what is in your kids head and heart. Ditch the therapist, find someone eithical also someone who will encourage you to worry and work on things you can control like building up trust and open communication with your daughter so she's comfortable sharing her feelings about her sexuality with you.

    Quoting anonymoustoo:

    I never said I wouldn't be supportive of my daughter.  You don't know me at all...my daughter is the light of my life and I love her no matter what but I also need to sort out my own emotions.  I'm still a person and I have feelings.  I don't think it's unreasonable for a mom to hurt if she learns that her child might be different, whether it's sexual orientaton, a physical handicap or anything else.  I'm sorry if I came across uncaring or non-supportive, it's just not true. I was just hoping for a little emotional support for myself as well. Thank you anyway.

  • gracef282
    March 19 at 6:33 PM
    Its teenagers communicating in a different language or secret code to each other. Havent you notice the changes with teenage girls and how they talk to each these days.

    We are so done and left to decode their messages...its their trend not ours.

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