Moms with Teens

irishlass569
My daughter wants to leave and move in with her dad - please help.
December 2, 2013 at 10:27 AM

For more than 3 years my now 15 year old daughter and I have had a difficult relationship.  Problems with failing grades, filthy room and EXTREME disrespect toward me (cursing, "hope you die", "shut up", "I never want to look at your face again".  Her father and I have been apart since she was 1 and he's a dad when its convenient (taking her when he feels like it which is a major reason why she is the way she is - cry for attention). 

I've tried therapy a couple times (and is currently seeing therapists).  She's happy and loving life until she's told NO, made to clean her room, made to do homework or when she wants something.  Prior to 3 years ago my financial situation was different (more money) now after just loosing my home in a short sale I'm trying to get myself together - the money doesn't flow now she really wants no part of me - she's money driven.

She's also jealous of my relationship of one year now to my fiance and uses that as a weapon telling her dad we ignore her, don't love her, don't feed her, keep her in the house and don't take her anywhere... any lie she can think of to get a rise out of him... well it finally worked...

She wants to live with her father and he wants to take her.  She's said she's wanted to live with him before but we work through it for a couple weeks and then it rears it's ugly head again the minute I don't give her what she wants.  I think this will be a big mistake moving her in the middle of a school year and basically showing her that she doesn't have to be accountable for her actions - not to mention he's never tried to be a father before allowing his personal life and love for the ladies to keep him from giving her the time she's cried for for so long - perhaps if he did we wouldn't be in this situation.

All of the issues with my daughter has contributed to high blood pressure, stomach issues, hives when things are heightened, hair loss - not to mention demotion from job due to poor performance because I let all this get to me. 

My heart says don't let her go and keep hoping one day it will change.  But my head says maybe this is the best thing for her and everyone involved.  Its hard to think of letting her go, because I feel I'll loose her forever - but if I don't let her go things will continue to get worse.  How do I let my little girl go?

Replies

  • amber3902
    December 2, 2013 at 11:21 AM

    She's 15, she's not old enough to understand the seriousness of the decision she's making.

    Of course your ex wants to take her, he's probably thinking if she moves in with him he won't have to pay child support anymore.

    I suggest the two of you go to counseling together. 

    When your daughter says such rude and disrepectful things to you what do you do?  It is one thing to express your feelings but another thing to be straight out disrepectful.  Kids need boundaries.  It could be you have allowed your daughter to be disrespectful to you and she is pushing back so much because you have not given her any boundaries.

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    December 2, 2013 at 11:30 AM
    I say at 15 let her go. She needs discipline regardless where she lives.
  • Hannahluvsdogs
    December 2, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    Because I don't know your ex I'm not sure whether to advise her going or staying. My first instinct was to let her go, so she can see life is no better with her dad, maybe even worse, and then she'll come back. But if he's not going to discipline her or put any rules in place, and she finds she has much more freedom with him (too much freedom), she could end up pregnant, dropping out of school, who knows. That would be a huge mistake. I know it seems far off now but maybe she could live with him over the summer? That would be enough time for her to see what life with him is like and wouldn't interfere with school.

  • Jinx-Troublex3
    December 2, 2013 at 11:54 AM
    I think you and Dad need to have a sit down and get on the same page (maybe with a therapist?) As to what is going on with DD. Are ypur rules too strict? Are his too lax? Can you compromise?

    Forget ego and why you split up and put DD first as you hash it out.

    Once you get thee rules.worked out, have a joint sit-down with DD. If she sees you are communicating and working together she may change her mind.

    If things are.consistant between the houses, and she still wants to go, then I would allow it. In most states, at her age, she has the right to choose.

  • gonecrazi
    December 2, 2013 at 12:38 PM

     I agree..

    Quoting atlmom2: I say at 15 let her go. She needs discipline regardless where she lives.

     

  • irishlass569
    December 2, 2013 at 1:39 PM

     Hey refuses to go to sit down with a therapist because he believes nothing is wrong with her - its my fault because I have a fiance and she has to share my time.  BTW, my fiance works 3 jobs so the only time we really spend together is Saturday night - so me showering him with my time is crap.  Because she hears him say he hates therapy and finds it useless... she now feels the same way and also refuses to see the therapists anymore.

    Quoting Jinx-Troublex3: I think you and Dad need to have a sit down and get on the same page (maybe with a therapist?) As to what is going on with DD. Are ypur rules too strict? Are his too lax? Can you compromise?

    Forget ego and why you split up and put DD first as you hash it out.

    Once you get thee rules.worked out, have a joint sit-down with DD. If she sees you are communicating and working together she may change her mind.

    If things are.consistant between the houses, and she still wants to go, then I would allow it. In most states, at her age, she has the right to choose.

     

  • irishlass569
    December 2, 2013 at 1:43 PM

     To be honest, he's only ever been the good time guy because when I needed him to be responsible he never would be (and believe me I tried).  so, I don't know what he would do - but the minute he rides her about her homework he'll see the pain I go through.  Do I think its a mistake - yes.  But I've tried everything else.

    Quoting Hannahluvsdogs:

    Because I don't know your ex I'm not sure whether to advise her going or staying. My first instinct was to let her go, so she can see life is no better with her dad, maybe even worse, and then she'll come back. But if he's not going to discipline her or put any rules in place, and she finds she has much more freedom with him (too much freedom), she could end up pregnant, dropping out of school, who knows. That would be a huge mistake. I know it seems far off now but maybe she could live with him over the summer? That would be enough time for her to see what life with him is like and wouldn't interfere with school.

     

  • irishlass569
    December 2, 2013 at 1:49 PM

    After hours of thinking, crying and consulting with her two therapists and a close relative, as well as great advice from you ladies, I think its in everyone's best interest that she goes with him.  Maybe she'll see the grass isn't greener on the otherside.  Or maybe this will be the best thing for her.  But after 3 years of trying everything else, and her repeatedly saying she wants nothing to do with me, doesn't care whether I live or die and wants to live with her dad - its time to give it a try.  

    Quoting atlmom2: I say at 15 let her go. She needs discipline regardless where she lives.

     

  • suesues
    by suesues
    December 3, 2013 at 8:01 AM

    how does her dad feel about her moving in with him. the grass is always greener on the other side . Let her try living with him  this summer. tell her if she passes all her classes she can go for the summer she will probaly come back after a month or 2 dad wont want her .

  • cheetah90210
    December 3, 2013 at 8:08 AM
    Let her go he'll see the real her and she'll see how much won't change just because she moved.

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