Moms with Teens

Basicrose
dd boyfriend's mother
November 11, 2013 at 1:19 PM

OK,  advise on this please.

M dd is 17 and her boyfriend's  mother "sherry" and my dd have been close for bout a year. So much so that my dd practically lived at her house last summer. She would come home and tell me all about the  things she is going through, stuff that I believe that an adult should not be discussing with a child and also on how AWESOME of a woman she is.  

Anyhoo...Recently my dd has been vocal to sherry about what she sees happening (outside looking in) in her home. For example: her 10yr old boy will push his 8yr old brother...he'll only lose computer for MAYBE 1day. If his 16yr old travis escorts his brother out of his room after telling them several times to get out, mom would ground him for a month, take his phone AND yell at him as if he just beat someone. Now, I have heard over the phone Travis talking calmly trying to explain what is going on, and his mother is the one getting in his face, interrupting and telling him that he is being disrespectful and bringing things up that he did in the past as well as demeaning him.  Annie has brought up to her that it seems that travis is getting the short end of the stick and that she seems to jump to conclusions and reacts before finding out the truth....because travis is a "bad kid".  But of course that means she's a "horrible mother". Annie claims she is not on either side, that she is neutral. That she sees both sides. I believe her. She believes that Sherry believes that she's always right.

When Sherry and I talk about travis, whether or not he is in earshot, she ONLY talks negatively about him. She has nothing good to say about him. Literally, she will tell you EVERYTHING that he has ever done wrong. She even talks to her 13yr dd about what he does wrong! If he opens his mouth...he's lying. When I try to make suggestions on how she could try different things, she blows me off, "done that, tried that, didnt't work. It's hopeless. Don't know what to do anymore". And my favorite, "you don't understand"...which I actually do. I am in a similar situation with one of my other dd's.

It is true that I don't know what travis and his mother has been through in the past. But from what I see now, it seems unfair. He seems to be trying to change. I do feel bad for this kid. I cannot imagine having a mom who talks to EVERYONE who will listen on everything that I have done wrong or hearing her talk to my siblings on why I am such a screw up, and/or how you cant trust me...even if I am in the room.  

He and my dd have their issues and I feel she could do A LOT better because he IS little shit, but I don't think there is anything me or anyone can do to change how they feel about each other. I have accepted this. Besides, they will date regardless. 

I know that NO KID acts the same around others as they act at home but Travis has been nothing but respectful to me. I gave him a job where I am a Manager and told him he has a lot to prove. He says, "I will and thank you for the job!." Here, I can watch him and since I do the schedules, I can make sure he works on weekends. I believe everyone deserves a chance ...er rather, a second chance.  

Would you give this kid a the benefit of the doubt? What would you say to the mother? Any thought or suggestions would help.

thanxs!

Replies

  • JessicaR7
    November 11, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    Honestly, I know her type and I don't see her changing anytime soon.  No matter how much advice you offer her, it will fall on deaf ears.  The only thing you can do for Travis is continue to be a positive role model in his life who gives him opportunities to flourish.  He will appreciate everything you've done for him one day.

  • Basicrose
    November 11, 2013 at 1:47 PM
    Thats wht i kinda figured. It is sooo frustrating! I learned the hard way tht it is MY responsibility to change MYself and eventually my kids would follow...NOT the other way around.


    Honestly, I know her type and I don't see her changing anytime soon. No matter how much advice you offer her, it will fall on deaf ears.




    Quoting JessicaR7:

    Honestly, I know her type and I don't see her changing anytime soon.  No matter how much advice you offer her, it will fall on deaf ears.  The only thing you can do for Travis is continue to be a positive role model in his life who gives him opportunities to flourish.  He will appreciate everything you've done for him one day.


  • JessicaR7
    November 11, 2013 at 1:54 PM

    I know what you mean...it is frustrating when people are stuck in their own cycle but won't make the changes they need to make in order to change the relationship.  At least her son has you :) 


    Quoting Basicrose:

    Thats wht i kinda figured. It is sooo frustrating! I learned the hard way tht it is MY responsibility to change MYself and eventually my kids would follow...NOT the other way around.


    Honestly, I know her type and I don't see her changing anytime soon. No matter how much advice you offer her, it will fall on deaf ears.




    Quoting JessicaR7:

    Honestly, I know her type and I don't see her changing anytime soon.  No matter how much advice you offer her, it will fall on deaf ears.  The only thing you can do for Travis is continue to be a positive role model in his life who gives him opportunities to flourish.  He will appreciate everything you've done for him one day.



     

  • luckysevenwow
    November 11, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    There is nothing you can say or do where the mom is concerned. So forget that.

    What you can do is keep supporting him, keep showing him the right way. Believe it or not, that's all a lot of kids need when they start to stray. Sometimes, it coming from someone outside the situation at home is what can make it better. 

    My Dd dated a boy in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, it was hard, but I did love the kid. He just needed to be shown the right path and believed in. So many thought he was a lost cause, his reputation followed him every where. Dumbass, as I call him, is currently serving out the last of his sentence. Never before has he had to do 'grown' jail time. He's seeing the light, he knows he needs to leave our small town, and I still have hope he will pull it together. He's a good kid, he really is, he's just so misguided.

  • Basicrose
    November 11, 2013 at 4:21 PM

     Sad, but his mother has this attitude about him. Like i said, i have no idea what they have been through or what he has done to earn this attitude from his mother.  Still sad. He KNOWS this is how she thinks of him...he KNOWS this is how she talks to everyone about him. He MAY be a lost cause...he may think he is, but maybe...just maybe...


    Quoting luckysevenwow:

    So many thought he was a lost cause, his reputation followed him every where.


     

  • luckysevenwow
    November 11, 2013 at 4:31 PM

    That's how my DD's ex's mom is. Of course she can do no wrong in her eye's, but she is really a shitty mom. Their dad tries but he wasn't involved until it was to late (mom took off with them), and sometimes enables instead of helps.

    He knows that I will always love him, he calls me mom, has me listed as mom on his FB, but that doesn't mean I'll always support him. I tell it like it is. 

    Quoting Basicrose:

     Sad, but his mother has this attitude about him. Like i said, i have no idea what they have been through or what he has done to earn this attitude from his mother.  Still sad. He KNOWS this is how she thinks of him...he KNOWS this is how she talks to everyone about him. He MAY be a lost cause...he may think he is, but maybe...just maybe...


    Quoting luckysevenwow:

    So many thought he was a lost cause, his reputation followed him every where.




  • fammatthews4
    November 11, 2013 at 4:35 PM
    His mother sounds like my step-mother. According to her I was worthless, did nothing to help out around the house, was irresponsible, etc., etc. She would repeat this over and over within my earshot or not. Thing is I wasn't a bad kid, never got into trouble as a teen. Luckily there were many adults who believed in me.

    As others have said all you can do is continue to support him, and be there for him.
  • Basicrose
    November 11, 2013 at 4:39 PM

     Same with him. the only difference is he HAS done drugs, he HAS stolen, and he HAS lied. I am watchful, but believe that he can be someone.


    Quoting fammatthews4:

    Thing is I wasn't a bad kid, never got into trouble as a teen..


     

Moms with Teens