Moms with Teens

Social Media and Teens
October 7, 2013 at 5:22 AM

My teen created an FB account behind my back. I'm angry at her but now don't know what to do. I know she'll continue to do stuff behind my back because I'm so strict....but I allow her to do whatever she wants either. I guess I'm having  a hard time finding the right median. It was definitely easier before she was a teen. Any ideas or thoughts from other moms with 14 year old daughters?embarrassed


  • GleekingOut
    October 7, 2013 at 7:13 AM

    I think you should put passwords on the computer, wifi, etc. I also think you should take away her electronic privliges for at least 2/3 weeks.

    But - I also think what you should do is demand the password to the account, log in, set her security settings to super high, check out all her friends and things, and then tell her she can keep the account if she agrees to allow you access to EVERYTHING and friend you - so that you can see everything and delete as necessary. Or she deletes the account, and is on complete computer lockdown. Her choice. :)

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    October 7, 2013 at 8:40 AM
    This is why letting her have a monitored one is better, especially at 14. Kids find a way to get one. Facebook is not evil.
  • boys2men2soon
    October 7, 2013 at 10:07 AM

    Keeping her isolated from the world is not an option.    Monitor her facebook account closely, but allowing her to learn to navigate social media at this stage of life is far better than holding her back until adulthood.

  • mopargurl
    October 7, 2013 at 10:12 AM
    I let my 15yr old dd have a fb but she doesn't know the password to it or to the laptop either. She knows I can and will read her stuff and she's ok with that. She messed up a lot when she was a pre-teen and knows she has to earn our trust back, and she is wonderfully! She can use her phone and laptop from 4-9pm on school nites and weekends from 12-9 after her homework and chores are done. She doesn't complain, she hasn't broken the time rules, she's doing great. I didn't want her to have a phone and fb but she went behind our back before and had them anyway doing inappropriate things, so after punishing her for that, she earned the right to have them, but monitored.
  • fantasticfour
    October 7, 2013 at 10:26 AM

     I pretty much agree with the rest of the ladies on here.  Mine have facebook accounts and I have their passwords.  If they don't do anything I find shady I don't look.

  • notomatoes
    October 7, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    ummm, yeah shut down her account and block it before every pedophile in town knows where you live!

  • Msgme
    by Msgme
    October 7, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    did she actually break one of ur rules by opening up the fb account or did she just not tell you.  I had alot of issues with my dd doing stuff behind my back because i was so strict.  She ended up  getting herself into a bad situation and felt like she could not come to me.  It took a long time for us to get to a stage where she can be open and honest and i can let her be a teen.  The consequences of her going behind my back she is still feeling.

  • Niccalyn
    October 7, 2013 at 4:55 PM

    I have 3 daughers, 16, 14 and 9.  I allowed the two older ones to get FB when they were 13 because those are the FB rules, BUT I have their login IDs and passwords. I check at least weekly to make sure everything is on the up and up, and they know this.  I don't ask them about anything I see unless I have a serious concern (I know they don't want to think about  me being all up in their business, so I don't force them to unless I have to).

    My 14-year-old also got Instagram when she was 13 and I pretty much stay logged into her account.  In my mind there are less privacy restrictions in place on Instagram...a year ago she had 850 followers, I made her delete 200 of them whom she didn't know, but she is now back up to 850 followers again.  Her account is set to Private so I don't know how she gets all these followers but it happens. My oldest has one as well but doesn't have nearly as many followers, so I just check hers at least weekly.  Anyway I check my 14-year-old's Instagram daily because I'm paranoid, but again I don't let her know I'm checking unless I have a concern.

    This system seems to work for us -- they feel like they have the freedom to be on social networking sites with their friends, but I'm still checking up on them and making sure they're safe.  They just don't know how MUCH I'm checking up on them!  So far we haven't had any major head-butting situations (knock on wood!). 

  • bexsmum
    by bexsmum
    October 7, 2013 at 6:08 PM

    First off did you actually forbid her to make an account or just assumed she would ask because you have controls on computor time. If you didn't actually spell it out she really did nothing wrong in her eyes. Teens are very literal when it comes to direction.

    Now I see nothing wrong with facebook as long as teens are monitored on it. It's a communication tool for the youth and young adults of today. My DD works for a professional Lacrosse as thier Digital Media Coordinator,ie twitter,facebook, instagram thier website and blog.  This is how the world commicates now and this is the future.

    You need to realize that your daughter is of a different generation and digital electronic means is how they communicate. Hell I know my DD senior yr in highschool the teachers were setting up pages on the schools website with assignments and duedates and how to contact them if needed.

    It's  a new world mama and your daughter is just entering it.

  • fammatthews4
    October 7, 2013 at 6:16 PM

    Had you set down unconditional rules that she couldn't have a FB, or did she just make an account without telling you?  If it was the first then you may want to keep her off it for while then let her on it with rules such as you need to have her login and password so you can check anytime.  If it was the second, let her keep it but again set down rules.  

    There were very few things as far as social media that I forbid my kids from, however they had set rules and guidelines that they had to follow and they did.

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