Moms with Teens

tootsie02
I'm wondering why so parents seem to be into spanking......
September 14, 2013 at 6:10 AM
and punishment? It seems, that most of the advice given here is, to come down on a child even harder, when they don't obey or make repeat offenses. That this will give the best results and if it doesn't you must not be doing it right. What's interesting, is that I don't spank or use punishment at all. I decided this route early on, due to my own childhood. I was spanked maybe 6,7 times growing up and I was grounded a lot. I had things taken away, no contact with friends, no going anywhere and so forth. I feared my parents and never spoke up to them. I didn't have a very close relationship with them either. I lied a lot, due to fear. I also did many things behind their back. A lot of those things were dangerous and my way of coping with the punishment I recieved. I knew, when I became a parent, that I did not want this with my own children. It never made me feel good personlly, and it drove my relationship with my parents, to shit over time. I had this belief, that when I became a parent, I didn't want my kids to fear me, the way I feared my parents. I'm not a bad human as an adult. I care very much for people, do my best not to hurt and I'm dedicated to raising my kids. In some ways, I could say my parents did a very good job, but truth be told, is I do and practice very little, with my children, what my parents ever did to me. When my kids were little, I didn't do the greatest job. I didn't know what to do sometimes. After all, I knew what I didn't want to do, because of what my parents did to me, yet I didn't know what to try different. I knew no different and how would I? At first, I tried some of the things my parents had taught me and with not much success. I also didn't feel good doing it and it felt like I was going against my nature of who I really am. I searched out another way, because what I was doing, wasn't working and it wasn't promoting the type of relationship I wanted with my kids. I didn't want my kids to respect me out of fear, I want them to respect me because I'm worthy of respect, because I show my kids respect and treat with them respect. I don't lay my hands on my kids or punish in any way, when they make a mistake and haven't for years. I believe punishment is for adults and teaching is for children. I welcome any and all mistakes my children make and we work together to problem solve it. I don't judge, lecture, critize, punish or isolate. I have a very loving, understanding, open and close relationship with my boys. I have boundaries and they know this and also have their own boundaries, as young adults ( 16, 13). I'm not a perfect parent by any means. I have my moments where I blow and get frustrated, but I also know how to apoligize and mend the hurt to our relationship and they do to now. I have thoughtful boys,they don't blame others when they make a mistake, they even come home and tell us if they did something that wasn't a good choice, they ask advice many times before making a choice ( including not so good ones) they aren't afraid to stand up to us in a good way and they are thinkers. My oldest has a job, besides sports and school and we aren't religious at all. All this, without the use of punishment, threats, fear, bribes and rewards. I only share this, because I see how many people here are struggling with their kids/teens, and I wanted to say, there is a different way and it's possible. We don't have to react or parent out of fear. Doesn't mean I don't feel fear or have fear at times, but 95% of the time, I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement. Their mistakes are their mistakes and I'm just here to guide them through it and be as supportive as possible, while they learn in my care, in a trusted environment.

Replies

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    September 14, 2013 at 8:12 AM
    All kids are different and different punishments work for different kids.
  • fammatthews4
    September 14, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    this exactly

    Quoting atlmom2:

    All kids are different and different punishments work for different kids.


  • bizzeemom2717
    Jen
    September 14, 2013 at 12:10 PM
    I'm very very proud to say I've never spanked my kids and they are wonderful, productive human beings. Instead I have always taken away privileges, works wonders. I was never spanked as a child either and have an amazing relationship with my Dad and did with my sweet mom until the day she passed away last January. While I do agree every child reacts to something different, I also 100% feel that spanking is wrong.
  • Geena_Page
    September 14, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    i agree with altmom2, unfortunately my 7 year old twin boys still gets spanked, only IF and WHEN needed! they are hard headed, stubborn klds..yet are very rambuctious and loving as well. Even my 14 year old son, still gets a pop in the mouth once in awhile whenever he decided to back talk me! which is very rare...i was raised on spanking, and i am totally not against it, but we spank on the last resort..

  • my2kidsmom9498
    September 14, 2013 at 5:51 PM

    " I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement."  But, you are willing to judge others?? Is that the open-mindness you are trying to teach your kids as well?   Sorry, it just seems very pretentious to me.  I am not a spanker either, but am not casting stones to those who do, with in reason of course.  My kids are great.  I have two sophomores, on in high school and one in college.  Both honor students, athletes, scouts, work and religious too!  So, what?  I know know what works for us. 

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    September 14, 2013 at 5:58 PM
    Even if you don't spank or very little kids do need a little fear of parents and a lot of respect for parents. 2 things many teens do not have today. All I know is I raised 2 respectful adults so something went right. I used all forms of discipline at times.
  • tyfry7496
    September 14, 2013 at 8:09 PM
    I have never wanted my child to fear me. Ever. Children do not need to fear parents, they need to respect parents. In order to get respect, you have to give respect.

    I have little respect for my parents. My mom for hitting and grounding without TEACHING how to act appropriately. My dad for allowing her to hit us.

    I taught my son how to act, why his behavior was inappropriate, critical thinking so HE made amends. He's never been spanked but he's one respectful, well behaved teenager.

    Not spanking does not mean not discipling.
  • Jessiejack
    September 14, 2013 at 10:04 PM

    So if I get this right you never discipline your kids? If they do something wrong you say nothing because you want to be your child's friend ? I am not judging I am just trying to understand.

    You don't need to spank but you do need to teach your children right and wrong. Some things need more than just natural consequences. Sometimes natural consequences can mean getting hurt or worse.

  • bizzeemom2717
    Jen
    September 14, 2013 at 11:42 PM
    I didn't get/feel any type of judgement from this post only the OP sharing what works for her and her past personal experiences. Seems she was trying to reach out and help others with what has worked for her family.

    Quoting my2kidsmom9498:

    " I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement."  But, you are willing to judge others?? Is that the open-mindness you are trying to teach your kids as well?   Sorry, it just seems very pretentious to me.  I am not a spanker either, but am not casting stones to those who do, with in reason of course.  My kids are great.  I have two sophomores, on in high school and one in college.  Both honor students, athletes, scouts, work and religious too!  So, what?  I know know what works for us. 

  • my2kidsmom9498
    September 14, 2013 at 11:56 PM

     I see it as very condesending.  She said she has not corrected her young adults, umm 13 is not an adult, in years.  I doubt that.  I mean, even if she takes her 16 year old out for a lesson in driving, there is corrections being done.  Again, I am not a spanker but I would not be so presumptious to tell you how to raise your kid.  Now, if you post a question, I may say what has worked for us. 


    Quoting bizzeemom2717:

    I didn't get/feel any type of judgement from this post only the OP sharing what works for her and her past personal experiences. Seems she was trying to reach out and help others with what has worked for her family.

    Quoting my2kidsmom9498:

    " I don't react or parent my children based on my own personal fears and judgement."  But, you are willing to judge others?? Is that the open-mindness you are trying to teach your kids as well?   Sorry, it just seems very pretentious to me.  I am not a spanker either, but am not casting stones to those who do, with in reason of course.  My kids are great.  I have two sophomores, on in high school and one in college.  Both honor students, athletes, scouts, work and religious too!  So, what?  I know know what works for us. 


     

Moms with Teens